A play for 3 people. Comedy. An appointment with a kayfologist. Nikolay Lakutin
where, what needed to be carefully and painstakingly cared for, what to fertilize. Of course, I also played with the guys, but I lived in this flower garden with my grandfather Nikifor much more often. It was then that I realized that this was my vocation! To keep beauty and order, to take care, to look after, to preserve beauty and clean fresh air for the world! I dreamed of a big garden in which I would live and work with pleasure and for the benefit of everyone.
Emily. But fate– a villain, has made you an astronaut!
Leon. You're almost right. I did not become an astronaut, but I really work in the space industry. I am an engineer at the design bureau.
Emily. Wow! Responsible work!
Leon. Very. If something goes wrong, who will be to blame? Therefore, as you understand, the nerves are shattered. And, excuse me, in what fields do you work? If it's not a secret, of course.
Emily. You've been so open with me, Leon, that now it's just embarrassing for me to keep quiet and conceal anything. I'm an actress.
Leon. Wow? That's right, I've seen you somewhere! Which theaters do you play in? Or are you acting in a movie? I definitely know your face. I was wondering where I could have seen you before…
Emily. No, Leon, I'm not that big of an actress. I've never acted in a movie, but I play in a children's theater, and I also lead children's theater groups. However, if you have children, then yes, you could very well come with the children to my performances. I'm currently playing Alice the Fox in Pinocchio in the musical comedy.
Leon. No, no, I don't have any children. Hmm… it's strange, it turns out I was mistaken.
Emily. But I also went to psychologists.
Leon. Really?
Emily. Truth. And more than once.
Leon. Wait! And what happened to you? Is Basilio the cat spreading its claws?
Emily. Oh, yes, I see you're in the subject! Did you go to our performances after all? Well, open up, surely you have children?
Leon. No, no, I swear to you, Emily, it's just that who doesn't know Alice the Fox and Basilio the Cat? I read it as a child. I'll tell you more. I even know Karabas – Barabas and Tortoise Tortilla, and even Duremar!
Emily. I'm smitten! On the spot!
Leon. So what happened to you? Why did you and I end up being brothers… hmm… Sisters… No, also no, brother and sister by misfortune, that's it. Yes. Although I'm probably meddling in my own business right now, too. Forgive me for my excessive curiosity, I have no right to pry into your soul.
The conversation seems to be over. Leon wants to continue it, but there is an awkward pause. He's shy about asking questions, but Emily keeps up the tact. He thinks of something in his little head, looks at Leon with very meaningful short glances, and smiles meekly. He keeps quiet.
Leon takes this silence as the end of the conversation. Without waiting for an answer, he gets up from the table and is about to leave.
Emily. Because of the children!
Leon sits back down.
Leon. Eh?
Emily. Children are still nerve–wracking. They are wonderful creatures, don't think about it, I love children very much, but many children know how to vampirize energy, I don't know if you understand what I'm talking about.
Leon. I understand, I really do. My boss is the local Count Dracula. As soon as you talk to him, then you leave the office exhausted, or even with a headache.
Emily. That's it! That's right, I'm exhausted. And the headache in our business is caused more by the parents of children. Everyone has a lot of requirements, preferences, wishes, and even claims. For every parent, their baby is the best. So there is a squabble over who should play Pinocchio and who should play Malvina.
Leon. Theatrical affairs…
Emily. Some more!
Leon. And what about psychologists? Did you help?
Emily. I went around several specialists – but it's not the same. They say that finding a personal psychologist is as difficult as finding a husband or wife. You need to find the very person who will understand you, who will not treat you like a bargaining chip among other things, a stream of customers who will actually sincerely strive to help you and not just strive, but really help!
Leon. I agree with you, but where can I find such a person?
Emily. And you know, I seem to have met someone like that.
Leon. Come on!
Emily. Seriously. A friend has problems in her personal life, she was looking for a person who could fix everything. And found it! But not a psychologist, but better!
Leon. Better, how is it?
Emily. The specialist she signed up for is not called a psychologist, but a kayfologist!
Leon. A kayfologist? What nonsense, there is not even such a word!
Emily. Did not have. Now there is!
Leon. And… and what is he, this killjoy. Is he giving away highs? Teaches you a high life? Does it teach you how to get high from life? Such a message?
Emily. Sort of.
Leon. No, it's definitely some kind of charlatan. It's already clear.
Emily. But it's just not! A friend also treated this kayfologist with caution, asked me to go to an appointment with her, as a support.
Leon. But is it really possible? The conversation with the client happens one-on-one, right?
Emily. Strangely enough, he allowed it.
Leon. Is he? That is, the guy there sets his brain?
Emily. A man, yes.
Leon. So. Well, how is it?
Emily. We both left his office in complete delight, even, you won't believe it, hugged him goodbye.
Leon. Oh
, Emily. Yeah…
Leon. So you really got high talking to him?
Emily. To the fullest! I made an appointment with him too. I'm going the day after tomorrow, I couldn't before, he has a queue, and he himself is not always in the city. He often flies back and forth around the world.
Leon. Then I want to get to him too. Would you like to buy me a phone?
Emily. And… um… I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Do I need to give you my phone number? Or a kayfologist?
Leon. Both yours and his… If possible.
Emily thinks, looks at Leon and his playfully sly look.
Emily. Help yourself! Give me your phone, I'll write down both mine and his numbers.
Leon hands over his phone. Emily scores the numbers, they will explain where whose is. They smile, say goodbye, and disperse.
ZTM.
Scene 2. Emily's reception.
The office of a Kayfologist.
Under the explosive bright (preferably accompanied by lighting effects) musical accompaniment in the dance, Antoine comes out singing along to the sounding song. He dances and sings as if into a microphone into the neck of an open bottle of expensive cognac. His mood is great, he is all fresh, cheerful, open and attractive. He is wearing a bright stylish red shirt, otherwise not too strict style.
He is the master of the stage, he is the king of the world! But at the same time he is good-natured, unassuming and unobtrusive. Here you can even give someone from the audience a drink of cognac from a glass, into which Antoine publicly provocatively and seductively pours cognac. (Whether it will be real cognac or apple juice is up to the director to decide).
The music stops, Antoine goes to the work table, looks at who is next there for an appointment.
There's a knock on the door.
Antoine.
Emily comes in. She is shy, somewhat