Sunday Hindsight Diaries. Nastya Fall

      i want you to know me

      like no one before you,

      see something behind what i choose to expose.

      learn my secret language

      and write me a message,

      cause nobody else ever gets our jokes.

      ineffable silence

      and talking in glances,

      we’re driving home singing my favourite song.

      the way you look holding

      my hand is so cozy,

      i’d never stop dreaming of you all night long.

      you will be my best friend

      no matter the weather,

      it’s like you have been here for my whole life.

      you want me to know you

      like no one before me,

      it’s more than an honour to know what it’s like.

      and even if i never touch your lips,

      this love will remain as a wreckage of glory,

      so blinding and pure that nobody before me

      deserves to exist in your own memories.

      when the mornings grew cold

      and the leaves turned to gold

      every day i recalled breathing free.

      will the start of the fall be as cruel as all,

      will the summer end beautifully?

      will it come corner-sweeping

      pain and leave me to weeping?

      will it bless me with horrible sins?

      will it give me a clue to know what i should do,

      will i live when the autumn begins?

      i find myself on the kitchen floor, on the bathroom tiles, speaking out the pain,

      i squeeze my hand on the lifeless blade, begging you to call till it’s not too late.

      if i play things right, will you love me back? will you drag me out of this long nightmare?

      it just seems to be: only ending me can put all of this shit to an end.

      blessed be the rain, and the way we ran

      through the crowds to the scarborough fair.

      dancing in the fires, drunk and seeing stars,

      no one could put our love to an end.

      blessed be the times, lying in your arms,

      i forgot i was mortally cursed.

      as if cherry pies would’ve cured my lies,

      but they only made agony worse.

      no one could control my disastrous soul,

      and i’m sorry i’d wound you this hard.

      blessed be the day that you held my hand

      or the night that had torn us apart.

      i wish i could pick up the keys to your heart

      and stay inside where i belong.

      i can’t allow to get them wrong, that’s why i take my time.

      i’ll know the right ones when i find among the counterfeit

      the shiny plainly reading sign «exactly what you need».

      and when you play a song i like, i’ll feel it all kickstart,

      the bridge comes in, we both begin:

      «this is my favourite part!»

      i find my peace in frozen leaves, lakes, haunted by the drowned.

      i feel you breathe beneath the trees, die, as you touch the ground.

      the evanescence of your step lures to repeat your path,

      there’s no obstruction between us, except for life and death.

      i whisper vows for winds to catch, i’m barely moving lips.

      i tread the lake until ice breaks, and there i find my peace.

      holiday spirits, festive wishes,

      cold breaths, church bells, granny’s tales, woollen mittens,

      gift wrappers, skate blades, cheering, christmas tree lights,

      iced cookies, champagne, carols, snow, sleepless nights,

      mistletoe kisses, spruce wreaths, candlelight,

      yuletide, advent, candy, childish delight.

      the hour of wonders and family fights.

      of course it’s not christmas till somebody cries.

      if you asked me what happiness is, i would spare time to answer.

      i would go for a walk to a song that reminds me of life-changing summers.

      i would write down the things that have taken my breath for a while

      and the people to whom i hope never to say a goodbye.

      we were destined to live here without asking for our consent.

      we are doomed to misstep, to regret, to amend.

      when the lunacy of existence starts flooding my thoughts

      there is always a thread i fold close to my heart and hold on.

      it is lovingly weaved out of different scenes you can capture:

      out of window views and daydreams in the middle of boring lectures,

      hugging someone so tight that their heartbeat vibrates inside you,

      knowing