The First Time Mums’ Club. Lucie Wheeler
the long car journey to the café, but as soon as those words came rushing out of her mouth, she felt the uncontrollable urge to burst into tears. Whether it was sadness or relief that she had told someone who could help her, but her eyes filled with gloom and she let the one tear fall over the edge and escape down her cheek. ‘I’m sorry,’ she added as an afterthought, although she didn’t know why she was apologising.
‘Oh, Els, don’t be sorry!’ Zoe immediately jumped up from the other end of the sofa in the flat above the café where Zoe lived and was right by her side, arms around her and rubbing her back as Ellie began to sob. ‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You don’t have to keep something like this bottled up. How long have you known?’
‘I only found out this morning,’ she mumbled into Zoe’s shoulder.
‘Wow, okay.’ Zoe squeezed her harder as she continued to sob. ‘Come on, it’s going to be okay. You can do this.’
Ellie pulled back in surprise. ‘What do you mean, I can do this? How am I going to do this? I’m not ready to be a mum. I’ve got my career; my flat is too small to have a baby… Zoe, I’m not even in a relationship!’ Sheer panic was rising fast inside her chest and she realised that she hadn’t actually thought of any of this until just now.
‘Ellie,’ she pulled her back and looked straight into her eyes. ‘It will be okay. I promise.’
She nodded to show that she had heard her, not that she agreed with her.
‘Now, take a deep breath and calm down.’
She did as she was asked and, actually, once she pushed aside the impending feeling of dread, she actually felt a little relieved to have got it off her chest. She was no longer alone in this battle. She had Zoe and she would help her. She had to.
‘Now, first things first.’ Zoe stood up and went to the kettle. ‘A nice cuppa and a choccie biscuit sorts out everything.’ Zoe then threw over a box of tissues, which landed on the sofa next to Ellie. ‘And wipe your eyes; we are going to sort this out together. Okay?’
She nodded and grabbed a tissue.
‘Oh wait!’ Ellie snapped her head up to look at Zoe, startled by the sudden increase in volume in Zoe’s voice. ‘Whose is it, then?’
‘What?’ Ellie replied, buying herself yet more time.
‘Whose is it, if you aren’t in a relationship at the moment?’
Ellie shook her head and dropped eye contact. How could she tell her who the baby’s dad was? Whilst Ellie and Zoe were close, no one really knew the kind of relationship she and Chris had. It had worked for them for years. But people wouldn’t understand, especially her sister, who knew Chris very well.
‘Do I know him? I do, don’t I?’ Zoe’s face lit up. ‘Oh my God, is it that guy you were seeing from the film?’
Ellie creased her face in disgust. ‘God, no! He was nice to look at but he was lousy in bed.’
‘Being lousy doesn’t stop you getting pregnant, though.’
‘That’s true.’ Ellie drew another tissue from the box and wiped her face dry. She had not cried this much for years. She didn’t do crying. It was weak. And she wasn’t weak. Although she felt it at times, she couldn’t let her outer self show this. When people saw you were weak, they took advantage of that and she wasn’t one to be taken advantage of. It was her against the world – with Zoe, of course. But they lived so far apart, Ellie felt alone a lot of the time, especially since their dad was not interested in her or anything she did. Unless she was Zoe, she couldn’t live up to what he wanted from her. So it was easier to just let go and get on with her life. She didn’t need him. She didn’t need anyone.
‘Was it that guy you started seeing a few months ago, the guy Chris set you up with from the pub?’
She tensed at hearing his name. Ellie remembered her dates with that guy; he had clearly stated he wanted nothing but fun and being annoyed at Chris for whatever reason it was at that time, she had agreed. But she found herself unable to go through with the type of relationship he wanted and ended it. It was only a matter of weeks after that that she and Chris had slept together again.
‘So…’ Zoe held out her hands, waiting for a reply.
‘Nope, not him.’
‘Oh come on, why won’t you tell me?’ She slammed her hands on the sofa in frustration, briefly showing a more immature side.
‘Okay, fine. But I don’t want any comments.’ Ellie pointed at her sister, warning her.
‘Why would I make a comment?’
‘Because I know you and I know what you will say.’
‘I promise I won’t make a comment.’ She froze, expectantly waiting for Ellie to speak.
‘It’s Chris.’
Zoe gasped and then clamped her hand over her mouth.
‘You said you wouldn’t say anything!’
Ellie watched as Zoe frantically shook her head, still keeping her hand tight over her mouth. It was as if she was desperately holding in the words that wanted to spill out of her mouth. Ellie could see the smile that was splayed across her face, even behind her hand.
They stood there in silence for a minute and then Ellie added. ‘Okay, fine. I can’t stand the silence. Just say something.’
Zoe dropped her hand and revealed the warmest, biggest smile. ‘Els, this is amazing!’
‘How’s that now?’ She knew Zoe would react like this. That’s why she didn’t want to tell her. She didn’t want this to cloud her judgement about what she should do next.
‘Because, it’s Chris! He is going to be the best dad! You’re like, best friends!’
‘I know; that’s why this is so weird! It’s Chris, for God’s sake. We don’t do things like having a baby! We are supposed to be out, getting drunk, eating junk food and watching reruns of Friends until 4am.’ She felt a tingle inside as she relived it – the number of Saturday nights they spent doing exactly that.
‘That’s a good point, how did this happen?’ Zoe walked back to the sofa and plonked herself down next to Ellie, bringing her legs up and crossing them underneath her as if she was about to get some really juicy gossip. Which, to be fair, she probably was.
Ellie skipped past the fact that they had done the whole sex thing a few times now and just referred to the latest time – which Zoe clearly thought was a one-off. ‘He came with me to a product-launch night I was invited to go to a couple of months ago. It was a free bar, we had too much to drink, I had bought a new dress… you get the gist.’
‘This is crazy. What does he say about it all?’ Ellie looked at her sister and pulled a face. ‘You haven’t told him? Ellie!’ She playfully pushed her arm as she berated her.
‘What? I panicked and I literally jumped in the car and drove here.’ Great, now she was feeling guilty as well as emotional and very, very tired.
‘So he doesn’t even know? You have to tell him.’
‘What? No!’ The panic was back. ‘Zoe, I can’t just call him up and say hey, you know that night we shagged, well, turns out I’m pregnant!’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Imagine what he would do. Imagine what he would say! He’d run a bloody mile!’
‘Would he, though? Ellie, that guy loves you to pieces.’
She shook her head. ‘No, he doesn’t, not like that.’
‘He bloody does. You two are perfect for each other; you’re both just too bloody stubborn to admit it!’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Oh whatever. Fact is, you are pregnant and you do have to tell