The road of healing. Miss Ann
(people who hurt me, my past, my insecurities).
You never know where you will be hit next,
Because they wear masks, they show themselves as your friends and mentors
Giving you advice to follow the “right” and “safe” way
Even if it keeps your pain repeating itself over and over again.
My constant resistance makes me tired but aware,
Like they will hurt me no more.
But the only thing I want is detachment.
I don’t wanna fight, I accept my pain,
I’ve learnt from it, that’s all in the past.
I am already strong enough to protect myself,
So my indifference and calmness scare them away
Because it’s not under their control anymore
22.06.2022
When illusions fade away, you look inside yourself,
You study yourself and you enjoy that you’re complete.
You understand that everything which you were held to is
Just a product of your imagination,
Your illness but not love.
Because true love inspires and supports,
It doesn’t hurt and betray.
Your healing process may be slow but worthy.
The happiness which you reach on your way is precious
Now as you know what you want to fight for.
For the first time in your life
You stop waiting and start living.
14.07.2022
Sometimes I think that I feel too much,
It’s almost unbearable.
Love, happiness, passion, sorrow, anger, anxiety –
It covers me like a wave:
My body hurts, my head is about to explode
And I’m always afraid I’m gonna lose myself and get crazy.
Sadness makes my heart heavy,
It’s even hard to breathe.
At these moments I imagine it would be endless
Like I’m drowning in this darkness.
But the storm slows down, my ocean becomes calm,
I wake up and I can see things clearly.
I always come back to my harbor stronger than before.
The process is not fast,
From time to time, I even think that God forgot about me
But it just takes patience.
‘Do not force anything, let things just be’ –
A lesson I must learn on a way of defeating my irrationality.
19.08.2022
Once I thought I ran out of tears.
They were coming out over and over again,
It felt infinite and then stopped: why am I doing this to myself?
Why do I constantly torture myself going down to the hell
Which I created? Will it ever end?
Sometimes we become addicted to our pain.
And when it goes away, we choose to put ourselves on the same road.
Even if it hurts deeply, subconsciously we like it but never admit.
We got used to living like this and when the slightest thing changes,
When we see the light, we don’t believe and we’re afraid.
We’re frightened of being happy and loving.
But what about my hell? Does it disappear? Never.
I feel these demons every day and almost every second.
They whisper, sometimes they scream.
They tell me that I’m not the person I’m trying to be,
They tell me I’m a hypocrite who hides their true self.
Will they ever leave? No.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Live and embrace my demons but not follow them
Because the choice is always mine.
I control, I choose the other side.
My genes don’t have a right to rule my life, I won’t let them.
My freedom is in love and forgiveness,
Being honest with myself is the main priority.
24.08.2022
Some time ago, when I thought about my past,
It went through me like it’s happening right now,
It hurt and I lived in it.
But what’s the point?
Spending your life on something that was far away,
Repeating particular moments in your head,
Missing the ones who decided to leave you.
My time is precious, my happiness is in my hands,
I don’t wanna waste it anymore.
Now it feels like I’m in the water
And it brings me slowly to the place I need.
It flows and I’m calm because I trust it.
For the first time in my life, I don’t want to control anything.
Just be as it is because if something is yours,
It will be yours and find a way to you no matter what.
29.08.2022
You have to be as much a dreamer as me
To understand the world I see.
31.08.2022
It’s never too late to love again,
To feel the way, you always wanted to feel.
It’s never too late to open your heart,
To show your true self, to believe and trust.
It’s never too late to change your life.
3.09.2022
For a long time, I have thought
That I fought against one particular person.
He was the monster in my head, he was my greatest fear.
I pictured him as a narcissist who played with me
And hurt me because he was cruel and had no soul.
Only later I saw the reality:
Not against him I was but against myself.
Our talks which I imagined where I said what I really felt,
How painful it was and unfair what he did to me
Were the talks with my infantilism.
Because we got angry only with something which we deny in ourselves
We close our eyes and pretend we don’t care
Though we want to scream.
As soon as I accepted myself, the anger has gone.
I forgave myself, my heart is light,
I let myself be weak and vulnerable
And I’ve never felt as free and
Close to something incomprehensible as I am now.
5.09.2022
I believe in love.
Love