Funny, but True. Igor Kluev
The Jungle Book, there’s a chilling scene where the giant python Kaa hunts the Bandar-log. Paralyzed with fear, Bandear-log is unable to move to escape. That image stayed with me as it reminded me of a moment from my childhood. I, too, was frozen, unable to run or cry. Like the Bandar log, I was motionless, gripped by fear. That memory has haunted me ever since.
I was six years old. I stayed with my grandmother in a small village near Moscow. It was mid-July, the hottest time of the year. The air was sweltering, and the river water was warm. Like any children at the beach today, we spent our days in the water, splashing and playing. We couldn’t swim, but that didn’t stop us from spending hours wading in the shallows.
The day when it happened, I ventured out to the middle of the river. It was thrilling to feel the current pushing against me. The river was shallow, and the water only reached my shoulders. I felt safe. Letting the current carry me downstream was pure joy. Then, suddenly, my feet slipped off the riverbed. I reached down with my legs, desperately trying to find solid ground. The current dragged me forward, but I managed to touch the bottom again. I stood on my toes, my nose barely above the waterline. I was petrified.
I knew that any movement could make me lose the bottom again, and I would drown. I could see people just a few meters away. But I couldn’t call out for help. Fear had me frozen.
The moment lasted only a minute or two. But it felt like an eternity. Finally, the current pushed me forward again, and my shoulders emerged above the waterline. I rushed out of the river, gasping and trembling. That was the last day I went into the water that summer.
The following year, I learned how to swim. Today, I can swim confidently in lakes, rivers, and oceans. I can swim for over an hour without stopping. But sometimes, I feel the same fear creep in. I stop swimming, head for the shore, and rush out of the water.The memory of that moment – those hunting memories from my childhood – still lingers, vivid and alive.
I Am a conscious Man
I am a conscious man and don’t like surprises. It was time for a routine colonoscopy. For the entire year leading up to it, I read every article that contained the word “colon.” I wanted to know everything. The evening before the procedure, I decided to avoid any mistakes and used two bottles of Fleet instead of the recommended one.
The next day, my colon was crystal clear. But my mood was dark. My wife woke up with a fever. It was clear – she wouldn’t accompany me to the doctor’s office. The procedure required sedatives, and my rational mind told me to reschedule. But my subconscious chimed in: “Let’s take a chance!” Ignoring my better judgment, I drove to the doctor’s office alone.
After the procedure, groggy but eager to leave, I headed for the exit. A nurse stopped me.
“Do you have someone coming to drive you home?” She asked.
“Yes, of course,” I lied.
Half an hour later, nobody had shown up. The nurse asked again. Then again, fifteen minutes after that. Finally, five minutes later, she crossed her arms.
“You’re lying. No one’s coming to pick you up,” she said,
I tried begging.
“Fine,” she relented, “but I will test your consciousness. If you pass, I’ll let you drive home. If not, I’m calling the police to drive your home.”
“My consciousness is my strongest weapon,” I assured her.
“What day of the week is it?” she asked.
“Every week has seven days. Yesterday was Sunday or Saturday…” I began to panic. My rational side kicked in just in time.
“Tuesday,” I blurted out.
“Correct! And what month is it?”
I froze. My mind betrayed me. Then, I noticed a calendar hanging on the wall behind the nurse.
“October,” I answered confidently.
“Correct again!” she said, surprised by my quick and accurate responses.
Thanks to a bit of luck, the nurse let me go. Relieved and triumphant, I drove home.
That excitement was short-lived. On the way, the police stopped me.
“You’re driving under the influence,” the officer said.
“How can, you be sure? I haven’t made any mistakes!” I protested.
“You’re right – your driving is perfect,” he admitted. “But only someone under the influence would drive with their hazard lights and all other lights on… on a sunny day.”
Since then, I’ve learned to ignore my subconscious. I’m a conscious man.
Keeping distance
COVID-19 is an invisible enemy. The government urged people to go shopping as little as possible. I followed the guidelines diligently – until my refrigerator was empty, forcing me to visit the grocery store. Fortunately, there were guidelines for that, too: maintain social distancing.
I felt prepared. Every three years, I take a Defensive Driving Course to get a discount on my car insurance. One of the basic rules of safe driving is to keep a sufficient distance from other cars on the road. I could apply the same principle in the grocery store.
I went to the “Stop & Shop” after 9 p.m. to avoid crowds. But when I arrived, I discovered the store was closed at 8 p.m. due to the pandemic.
The next day, I returned earlier, only to be greeted by a large crowd at the entrance. It felt like approaching an enemy line. I donned my mask, gloves, and glasses, looking like a Formula 1 driver gearing up for a race. Once inside, I found the store surprisingly spacious. Navigating the aisles felt like ballroom dancing. With my shopping cart as my partner, I waltzed carefully, keeping the mandated six feet of distance from others.
Eventually, I reached the aisle I needed. Each aisle was like a two-lane road. I managed to keep my distance from shoppers behind me, but to avoid people coming toward me was tricky. The only solution was to wait until the aisle was empty before entering. And so, I did.
Usually, I take my time reading labels to ensure I’m buying healthy products. But under the circumstances, there was no time for that. I had to sacrifice my usual standards for the sake of safety. I grabbed crackers, water, meat, and coffee as quickly as possible and left.
When I got home and looked at the labels, I realized my haste had led to unusual purchases. The crackers were with salt, the water was sparkling, the meat was excessively fatty, and the coffee was decaf. These were all items I’d never buy under normal circumstances.
But I didn’t catch COVID-19. That was the real victory. Trying these unfamiliar products was a strange but surprisingly refreshing experience. Each cloud, after all, has its silver lining.
Good morning, London!
The time was fifteen minutes after 10 p.m. I stood near Victoria train station, unsure of what to do next. Somehow, I had gotten lost in the maze of London’s streets. Worst of all, she was standing right next to me. I could see the doubt on her face.
“Where did you bring me?” Helen asked.
“Helen, what a pleasant evening. Tomorrow, we can visit the Sky Garden at 20 Fenchurch Street and look at the stars in the sky!” I said and smiled broadly.
Then I explained that the Sky Garden is a three-story glass dome with observation decks and an open-air terrace. But inside, I felt foolish and confused.
“Yes, but right now, I can’t see any stars!” She replied.
Helen was right. Rain could start at any moment. How had I let this happen? Two days ago, in Moscow, before my flight to London, I had studied a map