Seeing Things at Night. Heywood Hale Broun
FAT MAN – Well, not exactly, but he lives in one of the most accessible parts of the suburb, and we have him up quite often. He's popular on account of his after-dinner stories. What I might call his physical humor is delightfully reminiscent and archaic.
THE SICK MAN – There won't be any bodies, then?
THE FAT MAN – Oh, yes, brand new ones. No tonsils or appendixes, of course. That is, not as a rule. We have to bring in a few tonsils every year to amuse our doctors.
THE SICK MAN – Any shows?
THE FAT MAN – I should say so. Lots of 'em, and all hits. In fact, we've never had a failure (provocatively). Now, what do you think is the best show you ever saw?
THE SICK MAN (reminiscently) – Well, just about the best show I ever saw was a piece called "Fair and Warmer," but, of course, you wouldn't have that.
THE FAT MAN – Of course, we have. The fellow before last wanted that.
THE SICK MAN (truculently) – I'll bet you haven't got the original company.
THE FAT MAN (apologetically) – No, but we expect to get most of them by and by. Nell Gwyn does pretty well in the lead just now.
THE SICK MAN (shocked) – Did she get in?
THE FAT MAN – No, but Rabelais sees her home after the show. We don't think so much of "Fair and Warmer." That might be a good show for New York, but it doesn't class with us. It isn't funny enough.
THE SICK MAN (with rising interest) – Do you mean to say you've got funnier shows than "Fair and Warmer"?
THE FAT MAN – We certainly have. Why, it can't begin to touch that thing of Shaw's called "Ah, There, Annie!"
THE SICK MAN – What Shaw's that?
THE FAT MAN – Regular Shaw.
THE SICK MAN – A lot of things must have been happening since I got sick. I hadn't heard he was dead. At that I always thought that vegetable truck was unhealthy.
THE FAT MAN – He isn't dead.
THE SICK MAN – Well, how about this "Ah, There, Annie!"? He never wrote that show down here.
THE FAT MAN – But he will.
THE SICK MAN (enormously impressed) – Do you get shows there before we have them in New York?
THE FAT MAN – I tell you we get them before they're written.
THE SICK MAN (indignantly) – How can you do that?
THE FAT MAN – I wish you wouldn't ask me. The answer's awfully complicated. You've got to know a lot of higher math. Wait and ask Euclid about it. We don't have any past and future, you know. None of that nuisance about keeping shall and will straight.
THE SICK MAN – Well, I must say that's quite a stunt. You get shows before they're written.
THE FAT MAN – More than that. We get some that never do get written. Take that one of Ibsen's now, "Merry Christmas" —
THE SICK MAN (fretfully) – Ibsen?
THE FAT MAN – Yes, it's a beautiful, sentimental little fairy story with a ghost for the hero. Ibsen just thought about it and never had the nerve to go through with it. He was scared people would kid him, but thinking things makes them so with us.
THE SICK MAN – Then I'd think a sixty-six round Van Cortlandt for myself.
THE FAT MAN – You could do that. But why Van Cortlandt? We've got much better greens on our course. It's a beauty. Seven thousand yards long and I've made it in fifty-four.
THE SICK MAN (suspiciously) – Did you hole out on every green or just estimate?
THE FAT MAN (stiffly) – The score is duly attested. I might add that it was possible because I drove more than four hundred yards on nine of the eighteen holes.
THE SICK MAN – More than four hundred yards? How did you do that?
THE FAT MAN – It must have been the climate, or (thoughtfully) it may be because I wanted so much to drive over four hundred yards on those holes.
THE SICK MAN (with just a shade of scorn) – So that's the trick. I guess nobody'd ever beat me on that course; I'd just want the ball in the hole in one every time.
THE FAT MAN (in gentle reproof) – No, you wouldn't. Where you and I are going pretty soon we're all true sportsmen and nobody there would take an unfair advantage of an opponent.
THE SICK MAN – Before I go I want to know something. There's a fellow in 125th Street's been awful decent to me. Is there any coming back to see people here? (A pause.)
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