A Parody Anthology. Wells Carolyn

      IT was a railway passenger,

      And he lept out jauntilie.

      "Now up and bear, thou stout portèr,

      My two chattèls to me.

      "Bring hither, bring hither my bag so red,

      And portmanteau so brown;

      (They lie in the van, for a trusty man

      He labelled them London town:)

      "And fetch me eke a cabman bold,

      That I may be his fare, his fare;

      And he shall have a good shilling,

      If by two of the clock he do me bring

      To the Terminus, Euston Square."

      "Now, – so to thee the saints alway,

      Good gentleman, give luck, —

      As never a cab may I find this day,

      For the cabman wights have struck.

      And now, I wis, at the Red Post Inn,

      Or else at the Dog and Duck,

      Or at Unicorn Blue, or at Green Griffin,

      The nut-brown ale and the fine old gin

      Right pleasantly they do suck."

      "Now rede me aright, thou stout portèr,

      What were it best that I should do:

      For woe is me, an' I reach not there

      Or ever the clock strike two."

      "I have a son, a lytel son;

      Fleet is his foot as the wild roebuck's:

      Give him a shilling, and eke a brown,

      And he shall carry thy fardels down

      To Euston, or half over London town,

      On one of the station trucks."

      Then forth in a hurry did they twain fare,

      The gent and the son of the stout portèr,

      Who fled like an arrow, nor turned a hair,

      Through all the mire and muck:

      "A ticket, a ticket, sir clerk, I pray:

      For by two of the clock must I needs away."

      "That may hardly be," the clerk did say,

      "For indeed – the clocks have struck."

      "YOU are cold, Father William," the young man cried,

      "You shake and you shiver, I say;

      You've a cold, Father William, your nose it is red,

      Now tell me the reason, I pray."

      "In the days of my youth," Father William replied —

      (He was a dissembling old man)

      "I put lumps of ice in my grandpapa's boots,

      And snowballed my Aunt Mary Ann."

      "Go along, Father William," the young man cried,

      "You are trying it on, sir, to-day;

      What makes your teeth chatter like bone castanets?

      Come tell me the reason, I pray."

      "In the days of my youth," Father William replied,

      "I went to the North Pole with Parry;

      And now, my sweet boy, the Arc-tic doloreaux

      Plays with this old man the Old Harry."

      "Get out! Father William," the young man cried.

      "Come, you shouldn't go on in this way;

      You are funny, but still you've a frightful bad cold —

      Now tell me the reason, I pray."

      "I am cold, then, dear youth," Father William replied;

      "I've a cold, my impertinent son,

      Because for some weeks my coals have been bought

      At forty-eight shillings a ton!"

      "YOU are old, Father William," the young man said,

      "And your hair has become very white;

      And yet you incessantly stand on your head —

      Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

      "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,

      "I feared it might injure the brain;

      But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,

      Why, I do it again and again."

      "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,

      And grown most uncommonly fat;

      Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door —

      Pray what is the reason of that?"

      "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his gray locks,

      "I kept all my limbs very supple

      By the use of this ointment – one shilling the box —

      Allow me to sell you a couple."

      "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak

      For anything tougher than suet;

      Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak;

      Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

      "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,

      And argued each case with my wife;

      And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,

      Has lasted the rest of my life."

      "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose

      That your eye was as steady as ever;

      Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose —

      What made you so awfully clever?"

      "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"

      Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!

      Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

      Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"

      DOWN the green hill-side fro' the castle window

      Lady Jane spied Bill Amaranth a-workin';

      Day by day watched him go about his ample

      Nursery garden.

      Cabbages thriv'd there, wi' a mort o' green-stuff —

      Kidney beans, broad beans, onions, tomatoes,

      Artichokes, seakale, vegetable marrows,

      Early potatoes.

      Lady Jane cared not very much for all these:

      What she cared much