Manners & Cvstoms of ye Englyshe. Doyle Richard
me in the Extreme: only their bepowdered Pates do offend me, for I think the Fashion an uncleanly one; and after all, I wonder how their Masters and Mistresses can delight in dressing them out so much like Mountebanks. Did note divers Noble Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons whom I did know either by Sight or from the Caricatures in the Shop-Windows. From four to five o'Clock around the Ring and up and down by the Serpentine to make my observations. Methought how jolly these fine People must be, and how happy they looked compared to a Beggar Boy whom I did spy squatting on the Grass: yet no Doubt many of them have Troubles enough, and some may be even short of Cash to pay for their Vanities. After that, to the Corner, by the Powder Magazine, nigh to Kensington Gardens, to see the Company alight from their Carriages, and take an Inventory of the Ladies' Dresses, whereof to furnish an Account to my Wife. Then away home at half-past Five, and so to Dinner off a Shoulder of Mutton and Onion-Sauce, which my Wife doth make exceeding well, and my Dinner did content me much; and thereupon I did promise my Wife a new Bonnet, the Like whereof I had seen on a Countess in the Park, and so both in great Good Humour, and very loving all the Evening.
A DRAWYNGE ROOM DAY. SAYNTE JAMES HYS STREETE
To see the Nobility and Gentry, and other great Company, go to the Queen's Drawing-Room, with a Friend to St. James's Street, where did stand in Front of Boodle's Club-House in the Rain, which was heavy, and spoiled my Paris Hat, cost me twelve Shillings. But the Sight of the Show almost worth the Damage; for the Red and Blue Uniforms of the Army and Navy Officers with their Orders on their Breasts, and their Cocked Hats and Plumes in their Laps, and the Ladies of Quality in their Silks and Satins of all Manner of Colours, and their Hair crowned with Ostrich Feathers, and sparkling with Pearls and Diamonds, did much delight me to behold. But I wish I could have had as good a View of the Gentlefolks within the Carriages as I had of the Lackeys outside, who, with their supercilious Airs, and their Jackanapes Garb, did divert me more than ever. I do continually marvel at the enormous Calves of those Varlets, for which one might almost think they were reared, like a sort of Cattle. Indeed, I should have believed that their Stockings were stuffed, if I had not seen one of them wince when a Horse chanced to lay hold of his Leg. It did more and more amaze me to observe how high they carried their Noses, especially as most of them had Posies in their bosoms; whereas they looked as though, instead, there were some unsavoury Odour beneath their Nostrils. But much as the Servants resembled Zanies and Harlequins, yet did some of their Masters look not much better; being dressed in a Court Suit, which methinks do make a Gentleman seem a sort of embroidered Quaker. I do greatly wonder why the ugliest Apparel of any Date in English History should be pitched upon for the Court Dress. But the splendid Carriages painted with Coats of Arms, and the stately caparisoned Horses, did make a rare Show; and among them mighty droll to mark the Hack Cabs not suffered to enter at the Palace Gate; so the Fares had to alight and walk on foot the Rest of the Way to the Drawing-Room: and so into the Presence of Her Majesty in dirty Boots: which was not seemly; but many of them are Half Pay Officers, and other poor Subjects, who could afford no better than a Cab. Pleased to see the Police with their Truncheons, keeping Order among the Vagabonds, till one did tell me to move on, which did vex me. Then there were the Guards, in full Uniform on Horseback, with their Helmets on their Heads and their Swords drawn, about one under each Lamp Post, mounting Guard, and I believe this is the heaviest Part of their Duty. What with the blazing Uniforms and glittering Jewels, my Eyes were dazzled and my Head did somewhat ache; moreover, some pretty Faces put my Heart in a Flutter, which did not think fit to mention to my Wife. Methinks how fine it would be to ride in State to Court, if it were not so chargeable, and I should much delight in the Honour and Glory of the Thing, but not like the Expense. A Drawing-Room doth altogether eclipse the Lord Mayor's Show; although it do seem but a Toy and gilt Gingerbread Affair, and an empty, childish Display, like the Babies' Game of King and Queen; but then it hath certainly this Advantage, that it do much good to Trade.
SMYTHFIELD CATTLE MARKETE
Up betimes, it being scarcely Light, to Smithfield, to see the Cattle Market, which I do think a great Disgrace to the City, being so nasty, filthy, and dangerous a Place in the very Heart of London. I did observe the Manner of driving the Beasts together, used by the Drovers, which did disgust me. To force the Oxen into their Places, they have stout Cudgels, pointed with iron Goads or Prods, wherewith they thrust the Creatures in the flesh of their Hind Quarters, or with the Cudgel belabour them on the Hock. These means failing, they do seize the Animal's Tail and give it a sudden Wrench with a Turn of the Wrist, whereby they snap the Tail-bone, and so twist and wring the spinal Cord till he pushes forward as far as they would have him. Some, not getting Room for the Beasts in the Pens, do drive them into Circles called Ring Droves, with their hind Parts outwards, and their Heads forced as close as may be together: this done by beating them with all their Might about the Head and Eyes, and between the Horns, which they do call pething them. Then to see how they crowd the Sheep into the Pens by dogging them as their Word is, which means baiting them with Dogs that do tear the Sheeps' Eyes, Ears, and Cheeks, until they worry such Numbers in, that not one can budge an Inch. All this Cruelty is caused by the Market not being big enough: for which Reason they are obliged to force the unlucky Brutes into the smallest possible Space. What with the Oaths and Curses of the Drovers and Butchers and the Barking of their Dogs and the Cries of the Animals in Torture, I do think I never heard a more horrid Din in my Life. The Hearing was as bad as the Seeing, and both as bad as could be, except the Smell, which was worse than either. But to be sure it was good Sport to see here and there a fat Grazier overthrown by a Pig running between his Legs, and so upsetting him in the Mire. It were well if it were never worse; but with mad Oxen driven from the Market through Streets full of People, it continually happens that some Person is tossed and gored, and one of these Days it will be an Alderman, and then Smithfield will be put an End to. No doubt it would have been done away with long ago, but for the Tolls and Dues which the Corporation do derive from the Market. This is why they do keep up a Nuisance which did well nigh poison me; though one of them at a Meeting did declare that he thought Smithfield salubrious, and did send his Children to walk there for Change of Air, which if it were for the better, methinks that Gentleman's Dwelling-House should be a sweet Abode. All but the Citizens do say that Parliament ought to abolish this Nuisance; but it is thought that my Lord John dare not stir in the Matter, because he is Member for the City. To Breakfast to an Early Coffee House, having lost my Pocket Handkerchief, cost me 5s., doubtless by the Pickpockets, of whom Smithfield, besides its other Recommendations, is a great Resort. But content, not having had an Ox's Horn in my Stomach, and having seen all I wanted, and do not wish to see any more.
A FEW FRIENDS TO TEA, AND A LYTTLE MUSYCK
To Mr. Jiggins's, where my Wife and I were invited to Tea and a little Musique, but we had much Musique and little Tea, though the Musique was like the Tea in Quality, and I do prefer a stronger Kind of Musique as well as Liquor. Yet it was pleasing enough to the Ear to hear the fashionable Ballads, and the Airs from all the New Italian Operas sung by the young Ladies; which, though they expressed Nothing but common-place Love and Sentiment, yet were a pretty Sing-Song. But to see the young Fellows whilst a Beauty was singing crowd round her, and bend over her Shoulders, and almost scramble to turn over the Leaves of her Musique Book! Besides the Singing, there was Playing of the Piano Forte, with the Accompaniment of a Fiddle and Bass Violl, the Piano being played by a stout fat Lady with a Dumpling Face; but for all her being so fat it did amaze me to see how nimbly she did fillip the Keys. They did call this Piece a Concerto, and I was told it was mighty brilliant; but when I asked what Fancy, Passion, or Description there was in it, no one could tell; and I verily thought the Brilliancy like that of a Paste Buckle. It had not even an Air to carry away and whistle, and would have pleased me just as well if I had stopped my Ears, for I could discern Nothing in it but Musical Sleight of Hand. But good Lack! to think how, in these Days, Execution is Everything in Musique, and Composition little or Nothing: for almost no Account is made of the Master, and a preposterous Value put upon the Player, or artiste, as the Frenchified Phrase now is! After the Concerto, some Polkas and Waltzes, which did better please me; for they were a lively Jingle certainly, and not quite unmeaning. Strange, to find how rare a Thing good Musique is in Company; and by good Musique I mean such as do stir