Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things. Billings Josh
so low.
Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.
It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.
Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.
One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.
At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.
I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.
The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.
I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.
The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.
XI.
JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION
Dear World: —
I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers:
I am a black Republican, with white antycedents.
I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly.
I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in the Kingdom ov Heaven.
I believe in the doktrine ov secession – if i don't like my home, and am 21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me.
I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our citizens.
I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew say.
XII.
COLD PIECES
It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy most are alwus envying somebody else.
Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade.
Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant, – criticism is a mere string and plummet, – the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines.
Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I should have wrote it.
Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true.
Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow.
If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder.
Passion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz.
Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still.
Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much virtue, energy, or wisdum.
Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who can slide up hill.
A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very poor judge ov himself.
What a cumfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend! tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overkum all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sass with, in a cloudy day.
One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to please.
I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love ov a father for a daughter.
I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut up tew enny advantage into village lots.
I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant tew forgit than tew remember.
Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and then gitting awl we want.
I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the desires that God haz given us.
Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but, in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness.
The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus professing grate luv for others.
Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted.
Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like adversity, – adversity iz the hunger ov the soul.
Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world.
XIII.
LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS
My Dear Press:
Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin dispensing?"
Briefly thus i reply:
Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav "tramp'd – tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i think i kant tell.
Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick.
Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense.
I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a flower, hard tew diskribe.
Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.
It soon bekums hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3 years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their holes and only cum out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid.
I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi telling one poor one.
Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure.
Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence: a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel.
Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face.
Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest.
Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it.
I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could hav had it pattented and no questions asked.
If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan then stick yure thum into them anywhare.
But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a comick lektur.
A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto him.
Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop and explane a joke.
I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in Massachewsetts.
I