Ortus Christi: Meditations for Advent. St. Paul Mother
of the Lord" to-day.
Spiritual Bouquet. "In all things I sought rest."
MY SINS – A TRIPTYCH
"The night is past, and the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the works of darkness and put on the armour of light."
1st. Prelude. The Foot of the Cross where my sins have all been laid.
2nd. Prelude. The grace of contrition and firm resolution.
It is clear from the words which she has chosen for her "Epistle" for the First Sunday of Advent that the Church intends us during this solemn season to think about sin, – the darkness of the past night and the light of the day that is coming and our duty with regard to both. It is not sin in the abstract, but our own personal sins that we are to consider. "Let us cast off the works of darkness." If the Apostle Paul included himself in that "us," we need not fear to do the same. It is meet, when we are thinking on the one hand of Him Who is coming to save us from our sins and on the other of His coming to judge us "according to our works," that we should give some thought to those sins. Nothing will better help us to understand the mercy of the Saviour and the justice of the Judge than a meditation upon our own sins. God forgets the sins He has forgiven, but it is better for us, more wholesome and more humiliating, to remember them sometimes. David says: "My sin is always before me" (Ps. l. 5). The object of this meditation, then, is not to cause trouble in the soul – trouble about sins that are forgiven can only come from the devil – but to excite in us a deeper contrition, more gratitude and a greater watchfulness.
Am I to consider all the sins of my life? The subject seems so vast, it is difficult to know how to condense it so that I may be able to bring it within my grasp. All sin may be summed up in one word – disobedience —non serviam. It was the sin of the Angels, it was the sin of our first parents and it is at the root of every sin that has ever been committed. God says: Thou shalt not, the sinner says: I will. God says: Do this and thou shalt live; the sinner says: I will not, I would rather die. Sin is man's will in opposition to God's Will. This thought simplifies the subject and makes it easier for me to call up the sins of my life and look at them. Let me make a picture of them – a triptych, a picture, that is, with three panels side by side, the middle one shall be called Places, that on the right hand Persons and that on the left Work.
1. Places. As I look at the middle picture I see it consists of numbers and numbers of small ones, each representing some place that is familiar to me – there is the house where I was born, there the school I attended, houses I have visited, hotels where I have stayed, gardens, playgrounds, lonely roads, walks on cliffs, villages, towns, churches, the sea-side, trams, omnibuses, trains, boats, bicycles, carriages, stations… I am fascinated and cannot help looking still, though the variety and number are almost bewildering. Each picture is so familiar; some awaken sweet and precious memories, from some I quickly turn away my eyes. All can witness to my presence, how many can witness also to my sins? "Indeed the Lord is in this place, and I knew it not." (Gen. xxviii. 16). That may to some extent be true and if so there is One who is always ready to say: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." I know how much I knew, and the best thing, the only thing for me to do is to make an Act of Contrition.
2. Persons. I turn to the right hand panel and there are crowds and crowds of faces, each one familiar – father, mother, brothers, sisters, relations, servants, teachers, scholars, friends, enemies, priests, confessors, acquaintances … what impression have I left upon each of these? If they could be called up and asked: "What did you think of so and so?" what would they have to say? They would have something, for I left some impression – and yet none of them know me as I really am. The three Persons of the Blessed Trinity have been near me always and always observant. They really know me. What have They to say? "If Thou, O Lord, wilt mark iniquities, Lord, who shall stand it?" (Ps. cxxix. 3).
This picture makes me sad! That is just what Our Lord wants from this meditation. Let me offer once more my heartfelt contrition and He will be glad that I had the courage to open the triptych.
3. Work. As I turn to the panel on the left I feel that I can breathe more freely – my work will certainly give satisfaction! It is something to be proud of; I have always got on well; I have never been idle and I have had a certain measure of success, and I feel that in that respect at any rate my life will bear inspection. But this picture too, as I look at it, seems to be divided up. Yes, I can see quite clearly all the different works upon which I have been engaged. All are very familiar and bring back for the most part happy memories, but some of them seem to be labelled. – What is it that is written across them? "You did it to Me." And all the rest that have no labels? They do not count – so evidently considered the One Who put on the labels. He left them, passed them over, there was nothing there for Him. But that hospital that was founded is not labelled, nor that legacy promised for a charitable purpose! Surely some of these without labels are "good works!" And these that are labelled are such insignificant things, things I should never have remembered at all if they were not in the picture – a kind word, a smile, a hasty word kept back because I knew it would pain Him, suffering cheerfully borne because I wanted to be like Him who suffered for me. Why these and not those? Because He prefers little things? No, but because of the motive. Had the hospital been built out of love for Him and His sick, had it been built for the glory of God and not for the glory of self, it too would have been labelled. Had the hasty word been kept back that others might notice my self-control, it would not have been labelled. What counts with God is the intention with which a thing is done. If it is done out of love for Him, no matter how insignificant it is, yea, no matter how badly done, it will surely be labelled "You did it to Me," and it will last when the mighty works that men have so much praised are crumbling in the dust, labelled with another label You did it not unto Me. Have I not need to make another Act of Contrition as I think of my works, my love of gain, my ambition, love of praise and success, of the motives of my so-called works of charity, of the times in which I have allowed my work to take the first place in my life, while my soul had to take the second?
I shut up my triptych and leave it at Thy Feet O my Jesus, where the Blood from Thy Wounds may ever drip upon it, while I with Magdalen stoop and bathe Thy Feet with my tears.
As I look up, I see my triptych opened again and all the thousands of little pictures seem to be transformed. Each one is speaking to me of God's goodness and tenderness and love. How good it is to turn away from my own misery to His infinite mercy; yea, more – to recognize that the one is the cause of the other! And this is what He wants. If the sight of self does not lead me instinctively to look at Christ, it is a very dangerous thing, for it can only lead to despondency and discouragement. The object of looking at self and its deeds is so to look that everything good or evil may shrivel up and disappear, till self is there no longer, but Christ only and all He has done either for or through me. As I gaze now at the picture, I no longer see the places on earth which have known me for short periods of time, but my place in Heaven which by His mercy, if I persevere to the end, is to know me through all eternity; not my dear ones as I saw them on earth, but as they are now in my heavenly country waiting for me; not my innumerable sins of omission, nor my "good works" done to please self, but the work of Him who always pleased His Father, work which has made up for all my omissions, and which shines through every thing that I have done for Him, making it, too, acceptable to His Father. It seems to me now that I want to linger over the picture, for His mercies are indeed infinite, and I shall never be able to thank Him enough for them.
But does He, the God of infinite mercy and plenteous redemption, never look at my pictures? He says: "I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more" (Jer. xxxi. 34); and it is true. He will never open my triptych for the sake of looking at my sins, but may He not open it for the joy of seeing each of those thousands of pictures shining with pearls – the tears of contrition? Do not let me disappoint Him. This is the chalice of consolation which I can offer to the Sacred Heart in reparation.
Colloquy with Jesus