What's your hurry? A deck full of jokers. Niblo George
already."
He pointed out the word "question."
Reading further I found this:
"To pop the question – see pop."
Well, I never begrudged that dime a bit. And my respect for that solemn old conglomeration of knowledge is now mingled with hilarity.
Since I'm in on the subject of young ones, let me tell you that I've always endeavored to impress my children with the fact that I take an interest in all they do.
That is, I want them to come to me with all their troubles, and gain by my checkered experience.
Sort of older brother confidence game, you know.
Once in a while I'm rather afraid they take advantage of my easy-going character.
There's Aleck, about sixteen, and almost ready to go to college – what d'ye think he said to me yesterday.
Catching me in a particularly good frame of mind, when a big check had just come in, he said in a serious tone:
"Will you advise me, pop?"
"Certainly – only too delighted, my son. Now, what is it you want my opinion upon?" I said, feeling particularly pleased because of this confidence.
"Well, you see, I wanted to know whether I had better strike you for five dollars or for ten?"
There's no use in telling you how much he got, for who could resist such a clever hold up?
Oh, by the way, did I ever tell you about Jackman?
Among my friends I suppose he is by long odds the most consequential – why, he has the strut of a Lord High Admiral in a comic opera.
That is, when before the public.
Secretly, I believe he leads a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde life, and that the power behind the throne is in reality his wife, a little woman with a will of her own.
This was proven to my mind the day I was out with him at his country seat.
His coachman came up, looking red in the face, as though out of humor.
"I think I must leave you, Mr. Jackman," said he.
"Why, what's wrong, Thomas?"
"I don't like to complain, sir, but really I can't stand the missus."
"Oh, is that it – she's too strict, eh?" laughed Jackman.
"Yes, sir, she keeps forgetting that I can throw up my job at any time, and bosses me around just as if I was you, sir."
I thought it good manners to get behind the stable before I allowed myself to laugh.
But Thomas went all the same.
Jackman told me Thomas had recently got religion and was about the longest-winded petitioner at prayer he ever knew. But I had been South among the darkies, and remembered one old fellow, at least, who could give him points and still win out.
This was old Uncle Mose, who looked solemn enough for a funeral when I asked him how things were going.
"I declar'," he said, "I got ter be mo' keerful in future – I sho' has!"
"What's the trouble now?" I asked.
"Well, suh, I whirled in en prayed fer rain dese two hours en a half, en bless de Lawd, dey come along a regular deluge, dat mighty nigh drown de bes' mule I had. Prov'dence am so partial ter me, dat I'se got ter be mo' keerful about overdoin' things, you see."
Uncle Mose had a son who, being a barber, puts on considerable style at times.
I'd seen him look like a howling swell.
One day, down at the post office, while waiting for the mail to be distributed, I saw this Adolphus saunter in.
Another young gamecock rubbed elbows with him.
"Hullo, 'Dolphus, you'se ain't been a wearin' dem fine patent-leather shoes ob yours no mo'. What am de matter?" I heard him ask.
"Kain't – de patent done run out," said Adolphus.
That fellow was quite good looking, and in fact I can remember quite enjoying him after a fashion.
I don't believe I've ever been called a handsome man myself.
That is, in a beauty show, the prizes wouldn't be rushing in my direction.
And yet for years I did cherish the fond belief that my face had the stamp of honesty and rectitude upon it.
Alas! I'm not so positive now.
To tell the plain, unvarnished truth, I begin to fear this business of talking on humorous subjects is beginning to leave its effect upon my frank countenance.
This is how I know.
I had engaged to do a stunt in a certain town down among the North Carolina pines.
Come to find out, there was no way of getting there except by means of a stagecoach, just as in olden days.
I was the only passenger, you see.
There had been considerable talk about a rascal who had robbed right and left, so that I was not feeling very good.
Besides, I didn't like the looks of that driver, for if ever an evil-browed mountaineer had taken to coaching, he was the man.
He kept looking back at me every little while, and somehow I got the notion into my head that he was figuring whether it would pay to make way with me.
There was an awful lonely stretch of woods between Athens and Saulsboro, and when we struck it I tell you a cold chill pranced up and down my spinal column, for it was just an ideal spot for murder.
Suddenly the driver drew in his horses.
My knees began to knock together, and my teeth rattled just like those Turkish castanets you've seen dancers use.
The worst had come, and this black-browed villain was about to finish me then and there.
I tried to get to my feet.
"Hold on there!" growled the driver.
His voice trembled, I thought, with rage.
It was the most terrible moment of my life.
"Who are ye?" he next demanded.
I told him my name.
"What ye going to Athens fur?" he asked.
I hastened to inform him that I was the funny man who had been engaged to appear, my object being to let him know I might be worth more coming away from Athens than when bound there.
He put out his big hand, quickly.
I expected to see a big pistol in it, but no, it was empty.
"How glad I am, mister, to hear that," he said. "I've been shaking in my boots all this yer time thinkin' ye was that land pirate an' meant to murder me, 'cause they say he's even an uglier cuss than me. Shake hands, mister. I declar ye've taken a mighty big load off'n my mind."
I shook hands with the delighted fellow, but lacked the nerve to tell him how badly scared I had been.
But I'm not so proud of my honest looks nowadays.
Whenever I hear a good story in connection with some person of note, I always enjoy it more if I happen to know the party.
They told me about Richard Harding Davis the other night at the club, which amused me not a little.
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