Gullible's Travels, Etc.. Lardner Ring

      "Do you want these tickets or don't you?" he says.

      So I seen he didn't care for no more verbal collisions with me, so I give him the two tickets and a bonus o' ten bucks and he give me back four pasteboards and throwed in a envelope free for nothin'.

      I passed up lunch Tuesday because I wanted to get home early and have plenty o' time to dress. That was the idear and it worked out every bit as successful as the Peace Ship. In the first place, I couldn't get in my room because that's where the Missus and Bess was makin' up. In the second place, I didn't need to of allowed any time for supper because there wasn't none. The Wife said her and Bessie'd been so busy with their clo'es that they'd forgot a little thing like supper.

      "But I didn't have no lunch," I says.

      "That ain't my fault," says the Missus. "Besides, we can all go somewheres and eat after the show."

      "On who?" I says.

      "You're givin' the party," says she.

      "The invitations didn't contain no clause about the inner man," says I. "Furthermore, if I had the ten dollars back that I spent to-day for tickets, I'd have eleven dollars altogether."

      "Well," says the Missus, "maybe Mr. Bishop will have the hunch."

      "He will if his hearin' 's good," says I.

      Bishop showed up at six-thirty, lookin' mighty cute in his waiter uniform. After he'd came, it didn't take Bess long to finish her toilet. I'd like to fell over when I seen her. Some doll she was, too, in a fifty-meg evenin' dress marked down to thirty-seven. I know, because I had helped pick it out for the Missus.

      "My, you look sweet!" says Bishop. "That's a beautiful gown."

      "It's my favoright," says Bessie.

      "It don't take a person long to get attached to a pretty dress," I says.

      The Missus hollered for me to come in and help her.

      "I don't need no help," she says, "but I didn't want you givin' no secrets away."

      "What are you goin' to wear?" says I.

      "Bess had one that just fits me," she says. "She's loanin' it to me."

      "Her middle name's Generous," I says.

      "Don't be sarcastical," says the Missus. "I want sis to look her best this oncet."