Blackwood's Edinburgh Magazine, Volume 62, No. 383, September 1847. Various
hope ye are yaup, for ye have a lang day's wark before ye."
"I am sure it would be an agreeable one, sir, if accompanied with such sweet music as I heard this morning. Pardon me, Miss Binkie, but you really are a perfect Sappho."
"You are too good, I am sure, Mr Dunshunner. Will you take tea or coffee?"
"Maggie," said the Provost, "I maun put a stop to that skirling – it's well eneuch for the night, but the morning is the time for business. Mr Dunshunner, I've been thinking over this job of ours, and here is a bit listie of the maist influential persons in Dreepdaily, that you must positeevely see this day. They wad be affronted if they kenned ye were here without calling on them. Noo, mark me, – I dinna just say that ony o' them is the folk ye ken o', but it's no ava unlikely; sae ye maun even use yer ain discretion. Tak an auld man's word for it, and aye put your best fit foremost."
I acquiesced in the justice of the suggestion, although I was really unconscious which foot deserved the precedence. The Provost continued —
"Just ae word mair. Promising is a cheap thing, and ye needna be vera sparing of it. If ony body speaks to ye about a gaugership, or a place in the Customs or the Post-office, just gie ye a bit wink, tak out your note-book, and make a mark wi' the keelavine pen. It aye looks weel, and gangs as far as a downright promise. Deny or refuse naebody. Let them think that ye can do every thing wi' the ministry; and if there should happen to be a whaup in the rape, let them even find it out theirsells. Tell them that ye stand up for Dreepdaily, and its auld charter, and the Whig constitution, and liberal principles. Maist feck o' them disna ken what liberal principles is, but they like the word. I whiles think that liberal principles means saying muckle and doing naething, but you needna tell them that. The Whigs are lang-headed chiells, and they hae had the sense to claim a' the liberality to themsells, ever since the days o' the Reform Bill."
Such and such-like were the valuable maxims which Provost Binkie instilled into my mind during the progress of breakfast. I must say they made a strong impression upon me; and any candidate who may hereafter come forward for the representation of a Scottish burgh, on principles similar to my own, would do well to peruse and remember them.
At length I rose to go.
"Do I carry your good wishes along with me, Miss Binkie, on my canvass?"
"Most cordially, Mr Dunshunner; I shall be perfectly miserable until I learn your success. I can assure you of my support, and earnestly wish I was an elector."
"Enviable would be the Member of Parliament who could represent so charming a constituency!"
"Oh, Mr Dunshunner!"
Directed by the Provost's list, I set forth in search of my constituency. The first elector whose shop I entered was a draper of the name of M'Auslan. I found him in the midst of his tartans.
"Mr M'Auslan, I presume?"
"Ay," was the curt response.
"Allow me to introduce myself, sir. My name is Dunshunner."
"Oh."
"You are probably aware, sir, that I am a candidate for the representation of these burghs?"
"Ay."
"I hope and trust, Mr M'Auslan, that my principles are such as meet with your approbation?"
"Maybe."
"I am a friend, sir, to civil and religious liberty, – to Dreepdaily and its charter, – to the old Whig constitution of 1688, – and to the true interests of the people."
"Weel?"
"Confound the fellow!" thought I, "was there ever such an insensate block? I must bring him to the point at once. Mr M'Auslan," I continued in a very, insinuating tone, "such being my sentiments, may I venture to calculate on your support?"
"There's twa words to that bargain," replied M'Auslan, departing from monosyllables.
"Any further explanation that may be required, I am sure, will readily – "
"It's nae use."
"How?" said I, a good deal alarmed. "Is it possible you are already pledged?"
"No."
"Then what objection – "
"I made naue. I see ye dinna ken us here. The pear's no ripe yet."
"What pear?" asked I, astonished at this horticultural allusion.
"Hark ye," said M'Auslan, looking stealthily around him, and for the first time exhibiting some marks of intelligence in his features – "Hark ye, – hae ye seen Toddy Tam yet?"
"Mr Gills? Not yet. I am just going to wait upon him; but Provost Binkie has promised me his support."
"Wha cares for Provost Binkie! Gang to Toddy Tam."
Not one other word could I extract from the oracular M'Auslan; so, like a pilgrim, I turned my face towards Mecca, and sallied forth in quest of this all-important personage. On my way, however, I entered the house of another voter, one Shanks, a member of the Town Council, from whom I received equally unsatisfactory replies. He, like M'Auslan, pointed steadily towards Toddy Tam. Now, who and what was the individual who, by the common consent of his townsmen, had earned so honourable an epithet?
Mr Thomas Gills had at one time been a clerk in the office of the departed Linklater. His function was not strictly legal, nor confined to the copying of processes: it had a broader and wider scope, and was exercised in a more congenial manner. In short, Mr Gills was a kind of provider for the establishment. His duties were to hunt out business; which he achieved to a miracle by frequenting every possible public-house, and wringing from them, amidst their cups, the stories of the wrongs of his compotators. Wo to the wight who sate down for an afternoon's conviviality with Toddy Tam! Before the mixing of the fourth tumbler, the ingenious Gills was sure to elicit some hardship or grievance, for which benignant Themis could give redress; and rare, indeed, was the occurrence of the evening on which he did not capture some additional clients. He would even go the length of treating his victim, when inordinately shy, until the fatal mandate was given, and retraction utterly impossible.
Such decided business talents, of course, were not overlooked by the sagacious Laurence Linklater. Gills enjoyed a large salary, the greater moiety of which he consumed in alcoholic experiments; and shortly before the decease of his patron, he was promoted to the lucrative and easy office of some county registrarship. He now began to cultivate conviviality for its own especial sake. It was no longer dangerous to drink with him; for though, from habit, he continued to poke into grievances, he never, on the following morning, pursued the subject further. But what was most remarkable about Toddy Tam was, his independence. He never truckled to dictation from any quarter; but, whilst Binkie and the rest were in fear and terror of the Clique, he openly defied that body, and dared them to do their worst. He was the only man in Dreepdaily who ventured to say that Tom Gritts was right in the motion he had made, and he further added, that if he, Thomas Gills, had been in the Town Council, the worthy and patriotic baker should not have wanted a seconder. This was considered a very daring speech, and one likely to draw down the vengeance of the unrelenting junta: but the thunder slept in the cloud, and Mr Gills enjoyed himself as before.
I found him in his back parlour, in company with a very rosy individual. Although it was not yet noon, a case-bottle and glasses were on the table, and the whole apartment stunk abominably with the fumes of whisky.
"Sit in, Mr Dunshunner, sit in!" said Toddy Tam, in a tone of great cordiality, after I had effected my introduction. "Ye'll no hae had your morning yet? Lass, bring in a clean glass for the gentleman."
"I hope you will excuse me, Mr Gills. I really never do – "
"Hoots – nonsense! Ye maun be neighbour-like, ye ken – we a' expect it at Dreepdaily." And so saying, Toddy Tam, poured me out a full glass of spirits. I had as lieve have swallowed ink, but I was forced to constrain myself and bolt it.
"Ay, and so ye are coming round to us as a candidate, are ye? What d'ye think o' that, Mr Thamson – hae ye read Mr Dunshunner's address?"
The rubicund individual chuckled, leered, and rose to go, but Toddy Tam laid a heavy hand upon his shoulder.
"Sit