Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows: A hilarious and heartwarming novel. Balli Jaswal Kaur
old décor too dingy to be considered hip and its menu no competitor for the trendy café that had opened up next door. Sam O’Reilly spent more time than ever in his small back office, surrounded by reams of receipts and invoices.
Nikki replied.
I saw it too. They want min five yrs sales experience. Need a job to get experience, need experience to get a job – madness!
Olive didn’t reply. A trainee secondary teacher, her weekday communication was sporadic. Nikki had considered studying to be a teacher but each time she heard Olive talk about her rowdy students, she was thankful that she only had to manage the occasional swaying drunkard at O’Reilly’s.
Nikki typed another message.
Will see you at the pub tonight? You wouldn’t believe where I’m off to – Southall!!
She stubbed out her cigarette and joined the rush hour crowd to board the train.
During the journey, Nikki watched as London fell away, brick buildings replaced by stretches of scrapyards and industrial lots as the train rushed westwards. One of the final stations on the line, Southall’s welcome sign was printed in both English and Punjabi. She was drawn to the Punjabi one first, surprised by the familiarity of those curls and twists. Those summer lessons in India had included learning to read and write Gurmukhi script, a useful party trick later in life when she wrote her English friends’ names in Punjabi on bar napkins in exchange for free drinks.
Through the windows of the connecting bus to the temple, the sight of more bilingual signs on shop fronts gave Nikki a slight headache and the sensation of being split in two parts. British, Indian. There had been family day trips here in her early childhood – a wedding at the temple, or a shopping trip dedicated to finding fresh curry spices. Nikki recalled the confused conversations of these trips as Mum and Dad seemed to both love and loathe being amongst their country folk: wouldn’t it be nice to have Punjabi neighbours? But what was the point of moving to England then? As North London had taken the shape of home to her parents, there were fewer reasons to visit Southall, which faded to their pasts along with India itself. Now a bhangra bass beat throbbed from the car in the next lane. In a textile merchant’s window, a row of glittering sari-clad mannequins smiled demurely at passers-by. Vegetable markets spilled out onto the pavement and hot steam rose from a samosa vendor’s cart on the street corner. Nothing had changed.
At one stop, a group of secondary school girls boarded. They giggled and spoke over each other and when the bus lurched suddenly, they flew forwards with a collective shriek. ‘Fuckin’ hell!’ one girl yelped. The other girls laughed but their noise faded quickly when they noticed the glares of two turbaned men sitting across from Nikki. The girls nudged each other to be quiet.
‘Have some respect,’ somebody hissed. Nikki turned to see an elderly woman giving the girls a withering look as they ducked past.
Most passengers alighted the bus with Nikki at the gurdwara. Its golden dome glinted against the stone-grey clouds and brilliant sapphire and orange curlicues filled the stained-glass windows on the second floor. The Victorian terraces that surrounded the temple looked like toys in comparison to this majestic white building. Nikki itched for a cigarette, but there were too many eyes here. She felt them on her back as she overtook a pack of white-haired women who slowly made their way from the bus stop to the temple’s arched entrance. The ceilings in this vast building had seemed infinite when she was a child and they were still dizzyingly high. A faint echo of chanting floated from the prayer hall. Nikki took the scarf out of her bag and draped it over her head. This temple’s foyer had been renovated since her last visit years ago and the location of the noticeboards was not immediately obvious. She wandered around for a while but avoided asking for directions. She had once entered a church in Islington looking for directions and made the mistake of telling the minister that she had lost her way. The ensuing conversation about locating her inner spirituality took forty-five minutes and did nothing to point her towards the Victoria line.
Finally, Nikki spotted the noticeboards near the entrance to the langar hall. There were two large boards taking up most of the wall: MARRIAGE and COMMUNITY SERVICE. Whilst the community service board was woefully scant, the marriage board overflowed with flyers.
HEy thEre, HoW U DoIN’? JUST KiDDInG! I’m A PrEtTy LAid BAcK GuY bUT I CAn AsSuRE U, I AiN’t The PlAya tYpE. My GOAL IN LIFE is tO EnJoY iT, TaKE OnE DaY At A TiME and DoNT sweAT tHe SMALL StUfF. MoST ImpOrTantLY I WanT 2 FiND My PRINCESS aNd TrEAt hEr THE wAy sHe DeSeRves.
Sikh boy from Jat family of good lineage seeking Sikh girl from same background. Must have compatible likes and dislikes and same family values. We are open-minded about many things but will not accept non-vegetarians or short hair.
Bride for Sikh professional.
Amardeep has finished his BA in Accounting and is looking for the girl of his dreams to complete him. First in his graduating class to secure a top position at a top London accounting firm. Bride must be a professional as well, with BA preferably in one of the following areas: Finance, Marketing, Business Administration or Management. We are in the textile business.
My brother doesn’t know I’m posting this here but I thought I’d give it a go! He’s single, age 27, and available. He is clever (two Masters degress!!!), funny, kind and respectful. And best of all, he’s HOTTT. I know it’s a little weird to say this because I’m his sister but its true, promise! If you want to see his pic, send me an email.
Name: Sandeep Singh
Age: 24
Blood Type: O Positive
Education: BA Mechanical Engineering
Occupation: Mechanical Engineer
Hobbies: Some sports and games
Physical Appearance: Wheatish complexion, 5'8", easy-going smile. Also see picture.
‘No way,’ Nikki muttered, turning away from the board. Mindi might be going the traditional route but she was too good for any of these men. Nikki’s modified version of the profile advertised a compassionate and confident single woman who struck the right balance between tradition and modernity.
I am just as comfortable in a sari as in a pair of jeans. My ideal mate enjoys fine dining and can laugh out loud at himself. I’m a nurse by profession because I find true pleasure in caring for others, but I also want a husband who is self-reliant because I value my independence. I like the occasional Bollywood film but usually watch romantic comedies and action films. I’ve done a bit of travelling but I’ve put off seeing more of the world until I find The One to accompany me on the most important journey: life.
Nikki cringed at the last line but it was the sort of thing her sister would consider profound. She surveyed the board again. If she walked away without posting this profile, Mindi would find out and pester her until she returned to finish the job. If she posted it, Mindi might end up settling for one of these men. Longing for a cigarette, Nikki chewed on her thumbnail. Finally she tacked the profile on the marriage board but on its farthest corner where it was virtually invisible, overlapping with the scant flyers on the Community Notices board. Technically, she had carried out her task as instructed.
There was the sound of throat clearing. Nikki turned to find herself facing a wispy man. He shrugged awkwardly as if responding to a question. Nikki gave a polite nod and looked away but then he spoke.
‘So you’re looking for …’ He waved bashfully in the direction of the board. ‘A husband?’
‘No,’ Nikki said quickly. ‘Not me.’ She didn’t want to draw his attention to Mindi’s flyer. His arms were like toothpicks.
‘Oh,’ he said. He looked