Fallen Skies. Philippa Gregory
prosaic flicker of the fire but now he glanced up at Lily’s face. She was very still but her face was shiny with the wetness of many tears. He pulled her down beside him on the hearthrug and held her close.
‘If I loved you any less, then I would marry you and make you stay with me,’ he said softly into her hair. ‘If I loved you any less I would marry you and keep you and try to convince you that children don’t matter, that making love doesn’t matter. But I love you so much that I won’t do that to you.’ He took a breath. ‘I made up my mind when I was first injured. I wouldn’t do that to any woman. I’ll even play ragtime at your wedding.’
Lily shook her head and turned to argue but Charlie kissed her into silence. Her mouth was wet and salty. He took the sleeve of his pyjamas and wiped her face very gently.
‘I’m not a child,’ Lily said.
He nodded. ‘I know it. You’re a beautiful and desirable woman, Lil. And I wish to God that my luck was different. There have been times when I’ve wished that the shell had killed me outright; but I don’t think that any more. Not even now – with you in my arms and nothing I can do for you. There are things that I have had to put from me and forget, and there are things which I can still have and enjoy. I cannot be your lover but I’m damned if I’ll spend my whole life regretting that. I didn’t come out of that shellhole and on to that stretcher and through that bloody dressing station where young men – children – were dying all around me, to spend the rest of my life wishing it away. I won’t grieve, Lil. Don’t you grieve either.’
Her young bright courage rose at that, as he had thought it would. She pushed back her hair. ‘But you do love me?’
He smiled. ‘Oh, you’re a woman all right! Yes. I love you, and I will never love anyone else like I love you tonight. Will that do for you? I never have loved anyone as I feel for you. And I have never told anyone else about this – my injury. I love you and I trust you, Lil. And I’ll help you with your career when I can, and sometimes we’ll work together and we’ll always be friends. Will that do?’
Lily nodded, and tried to smile.
‘But I won’t stand in your light. I won’t overshadow you. You have to go forward. You’ll meet other men and you’ll like them and one of them you will love. You’ll love him even more than you love me now. That’s how it has to be, that’s how I want it. I want you to promise me that you’ll love and marry when you wish. Don’t hold back for me. Because I won’t thank you for it.’
Lily nodded forlornly, her face strained, dark shadows under her eyes.
‘You look all in,’ Charlie said. ‘That’s enough for tonight. We’ll talk more tomorrow if you want, sweetheart. But you go now. Off to bed with you.’
‘Can’t I stay here? Just for a few moments? Can’t we cuddle up together and just hold each other?’
He pulled her to her feet and settled her into his bed. He got in beside her, careful that their bodies did not touch. He put his arm around her shoulder and she rested her head on his chest. He lay very still until the steady rhythm of her breathing told him that she was asleep. Only then did his face relax and he felt the warmth of his tears on his own cheeks as he acknowledged the ache in his body where his balls had been, and the pain of his heart, still thudding too fast from impotent desire.
They both jumped awake at the hammering on the front door. Charlie, with an old trained response, was out of his bed and at the bedroom door before he was fully awake.
‘Damn. That’s torn it,’ he said.
Lily slipped out of bed and came to his side.
They could hear the landlady opening the door and the flush of the cistern from the next door bathroom.
‘Miss Pears?’ the woman said to the caller. ‘I think all the girls are still asleep.’
Lily shot a quick anxious look at Charlie. ‘You’ll have to make a run for it,’ he said. ‘Try and look as if you’re coming out of the bathroom.’
He half-opened the door but then pulled her back behind it as the conjuror’s partner saw the door open and said jovially, ‘Morning, Charlie! What’s all the damned noise about so early?’
‘Miss Pears,’ said the man clearly from the doorstep. ‘It’s an emergency.’
‘That’s Stephen Winters,’ Lily hissed. She paused for a moment and then realized. ‘My God! It must be my ma.’
She slipped from Charlie’s restraining hand, tore open the door and ran to the stairs.
‘Stephen!’ she called, running downstairs towards him, careless of her striped pyjamas and her rumpled hair. ‘Is Ma ill? What’s happened?’
Charlie followed to the head of the stairs to listen.
‘She’s very ill, Lily,’ Stephen said. Charlie could hear the triumph in the man’s voice, his self-importance. ‘She’s got Spanish flu. She’s at the Royal Infirmary. I drove all night to come and fetch you. I’ll take you home to her now.’
Lily turned away from him and looked up the stairs to Charlie. Stephen followed the direction of her gaze and saw Charlie, dark-jawed and weary, standing at the head of the stairs.
‘What should I do?’ Lily asked him.
He nodded at Stephen. ‘You’d better get dressed and pack, Lil. You’d better go at once.’ He spoke past her to Stephen. ‘Are you fit to drive back? There are trains.’
Stephen gleamed at him. Despite driving all night he looked glossy with health. Charlie felt rumpled and dissolute, blinking in the late-morning brightness, still aching from the distress of last night.
‘I shared the driving with my man,’ Stephen said. ‘I’ll trouble your landlady for some bread and cheese to take with us and we’ll be off as soon as Miss Pears is ready.’
Charlie nodded. ‘Please, both of you, come in. Mrs Harris will make you some tea and some breakfast. Lil had better have something to eat before she goes as well.’
He waved Stephen into the dining room and retreated to his bedroom, pulled on a pair of trousers and a shirt. He felt better once he was dressed. He went next door to the bathroom and splashed water on his face. His deep-set dark eyes looked at him from the mirror. His face was grim.
Downstairs two of the chorus girls were fluttering around the dining room in their dressing-gowns. Mrs Harris brought in tea and chunky bacon sandwiches thick with butter and dripping with fat. Stephen sat quietly in the midst of all the confusion and excitement and ate hungrily. Coventry ate standing up beside the sideboard. Lily came into the room with her handbag and vanity case. Charlie went up to her bedroom to fetch her suitcase and put it by the front door.
In the dining room the girls were pressing Lily to eat, but all she would have was a slice of bread and butter and a cup of tea.
‘Telephone from Portsmouth as soon as you know what’s happening,’ Madge instructed. ‘Let us know how she is.’
Lily nodded, chewing bread without being able to swallow. She sipped tea. Charlie felt his heart wrenched for her white-faced fear.
‘D’you want me to come with you?’ he said suddenly, offering the impossible.
Lily looked at him while Stephen covertly watched them both.
‘No,’ she said gently. ‘I know you can’t. It’s all right. I’m a grown-up now.’
He smiled at her, the tender intimate smile of lovers who have spent the night in each other’s arms. ‘You are indeed,’ he said. ‘Be brave, Lil.’
She nodded and ate the last of the slice.
‘Time to go,’ Stephen said. He pressed his napkin to his moustache and threw it down. Mrs Harris had given him the best linen, Charlie noticed. He drained his tea cup and went towards the door.