I Was Born for This. Alice Oseman
I say. I put the phone down on the bed and turn to Juliet. ‘What is happening right now?’
Juliet has both of her hands on her face. ‘I’m dying,’ she says.
‘You don’t think – I mean – the title of the article was kind of misleading, but—’
‘Look at them. Look at them. They’re cuddling.’
I look at the photo again. They are sort of almost nearly cuddling.
‘They’re cuddling,’ I say.
Juliet flops down onto the bed.
‘This is the beginning,’ she says, ‘isn’t it?’
Of course it’s the beginning. It’s the beginning of everything we ever dreamed of. Jimmy and Rowan standing up and showing everyone that love is real. That even amidst all the shit, there is some pure goodness in the world.
Juliet suddenly flings herself out of bed. ‘I need to tell Mac.’
Having forgotten that Mac exists for the past few minutes, I am suddenly sprung back to reality.
‘Oh yeah. Don’t bring him in here, though.’
Juliet gives me a confused look until I point at my scarf-less head, and then she gives me a thumbs-up and leaves the room.
Once she’s gone, I load up the image on my own phone. When did this happen? There was nothing about this when I checked Twitter after I got up to pray earlier this morning. Amazing how everything can change within the space of a few hours.
I stare at it. It’s beautiful. God. It’s so beautiful. Jimmy is so beautiful. Rowan is so beautiful. They love each other so much. I want to cry. Nobody will ever love me like that. Doesn’t matter. Jowan exists. There’s something good in the world. There’s a point to being alive.
Every single day I wish I knew the full story. I wish I knew how they met. I wish I knew the things they say to each other. Who’s louder. Who’s the joker. I wish someone had recorded their every interaction and I could sit down and watch them all from start to finish.
I’ll never know, though. But at least we have this.
Enough to make me believe.
When Juliet calls ‘Angel, do you want breakfast?’ through the door, I realise I have been sitting in bed looking at the photo for over ten minutes.
Please don’t let me die in a plane crash. Please. I mean, I’m on a plane every other day so if it’s going to be anyone, it’s going to be me. Can you imagine dying in a plane crash? All those people screaming in an oversized tin can. Knowing they’re gonna die. Can’t even call your grandad on the phone. Sounds like something that would happen to me.
I’m curled up in my first-class seat, clutching my cross necklace, counting down the minutes until we land safely back in London and the chance of me dying a fiery metallic death is back to ‘relatively low’. I know the chance is low anyway. I know that. But I can’t stop thinking about it, and the more I do, the faster my heart beats and the harder I find it to take a full breath. At this rate, I’ll flood the plane with my own sweat. Create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Suddenly, Rowan yanks up the blind that shields my seat from the rest of the cabin. He looks furious, but then his expression drops into something softer, and he says, ‘Jesus. You all right?’
I release my necklace and wipe my hand on my joggers.
‘Planes,’ I say.
‘Oh, yeah.’ Rowan opens the compartment door and sits down on the table next to my seat. ‘You know you’re more likely to—’
‘To die in a car crash, to get struck by lightning or to get eaten by a shark than to die in a plane crash. I know.’
‘Oh.’
There’s a pause. My breathing has calmed down.
‘Anyway,’ I say. ‘What’s up?’
He sighs, then glances around the cabin. There are a few people staring at us, which isn’t unusual. I’ve already caught two people taking photos of us when they thought we weren’t looking. Not that I confronted them about it.
Rowan shuffles further inside my compartment, shuts the door, then pulls up the blind so no one can see or hear us. He drops his iPad into my lap and touches his fingertips to his lips.
I look at it, confused. ‘Did you get stuck on Candy Crush again?’
He gestures at the iPad and doesn’t say anything. The expression on his face suggests that this is not a Candy Crush-related issue.
I pick up the iPad and look at it.
On screen is a picture of me and Rowan sleeping in my bed in our London apartment.
I laugh. It’s kind of funny. We look like we’re a couple, or something. Lister must have taken it as a joke.
I look up at Rowan, expecting him to be laughing too. But he isn’t. His eyes are wide. His hand is gripping the back of my seat.
‘I don’t understand,’ I say.
‘Haven’t you checked Twitter today?’ he says, shaking his head almost manically.
‘No?’
Rowan snatches the iPad back and swipes the screen. The image minimises and the screen returns to Rowan’s Twitter notifications, which seem to be full of people tweeting him the photo. He starts to scroll through them, holding the iPad in front of my face. Everyone is tweeting him about the photo, and the link to where it came from.
I sit upright in my chair, take the iPad from Rowan and click on the nearest link.
It takes me to a big but gossipy news site, the usual sort of place that jumps on any Ark news for easy clicks. And there, in the centre of the page, is the photo of me and Rowan, accompanied by the title,
THE ARK’S JIMMY KAGA-RICCI AND ROWAN OMONDI CAUGHT SLEEPING TOGETHER AT LONDON APARTMENT
‘Well, that’s misleading,’ I say.
‘Quality click bait,’ says Rowan, nodding solemnly.
It’s almost chilling, actually. Where did they get this photo from? How did Lister slip up this time?
‘I can’t believe he did something like this again,’ groans Rowan.
He’s referring, of course, to the fact that Lister is the sole reason I came out publicly as trans when I was sixteen. He tweeted a photo of our open suitcases while we were packing for a tour with a cheerful ‘PACKING FOR TOUR WITH THE BOYS #TheArkEuropeTour’. This included my suitcase, which had my hormone-blocker medication in it, very clearly visible in one of the suitcase compartments. And so the speculation and coming-out pressure began.
I got over it pretty quickly but Rowan barely spoke to Lister for two entire months.
Coming out at sixteen was probably a bit too soon for me – I wasn’t completely sure whether I was ready for everyone in the world to know – but it wasn’t a total disaster. There was hate, obviously, but most of our fans were amazingly supportive and it actually brought in a whole new load of listeners, ones that looked up to me specifically. Which was kind of cool.
Suddenly we weren’t just a teenage boy band playing fun, upbeat tunes. Suddenly we were something a little bit more important than that.
‘Didn’t think he was quite that dumb,’ Rowan continues.
‘Are you talking about me?’
Rowan and I turn to look