Mr Starlight. Laurie Graham

       EIGHT

      I wished Uncle Teilo could have been there to see us, ‘chugging back and forth on some tub’ as he’d put it. The Queen Mary was no tub. She was a floating palace. You could go to the pictures, in a proper cinema with flip-up seats, or play ping-pong, or keep fit in the gymnasium, riding on a bicycle that was nailed to the floor. You could get a shave and have your nails buffed, send a telegram, get your trousers mended. There were even churches: a normal one and a Jewish one. And there was plenty of entertainment: a band, a string trio and two feature pianists, four showcase ballroom dancers, and Sel and Tex and Glorette. It must have been a headache if you were a passenger, deciding how to fill the days. I’d have been worried there wasn’t enough time to sample everything.

      It was different for us, of course. I enjoyed the work. Lionel Truman led a good band and I liked the camaraderie of it, but when you weren’t working you were very cooped up and five days at sea could seem longer than five days in Saltley. It was very gloomy below decks. The walls were painted dark-green up to the dado. You needed the lights on all the time and you could never get away from the vibration of the turbines and the smell of cooking and machine oil and men’s socks. Tempers were liable to get frayed, as they did between Sel and Mess Room Steward Carey.

      Carey was a man who got very attached to people and if he liked you he expected to monopolise you. So when Sel went down to G deck one afternoon, taking up the offer of being shown around by one of the firemen, Carey got overexcited and fetched a knife from the galley. ‘Guided tours, is it!’ he shouted. ‘I know their game!’

      Hazel was on her break. We were having a cup of tea.

      ‘I’ll kill him,’ Carey was shouting. ‘I’ll kill them both!’

      He’d been at the cooking brandy. You could smell it on him.

      I said, ‘God Almighty, Hazel, I’d better run and warn Sel.’

      But there were three hundred yards of boiler rooms and he could have been anywhere. I didn’t like it down there. I never liked the idea of all that steam being pent up.

      Hazel had fetched two big kitchen porters in case assistance was required, but Carey had shut himself in his cabin in the meanwhile and was promising to do himself an injury, and as everybody seemed to be ignoring him I surmised it wasn’t the first time this had occurred.

      I said, ‘I couldn’t find Sel.’

      ‘Shaft alley,’ somebody said. ‘That’s where he’ll be.’

      I said, ‘I don’t know where that is.’

      Everybody laughed.

      Hazel said, ‘Pay no attention, Cled. And don’t worry about Mother. You couldn’t cut hot butter with that knife he was brandishing.’

      I said, ‘I get the impression Carey isn’t a family man. I suppose things can get out of proportion when you don’t have a home life. It’s a shame he’s gone off the deep end, though. He’s been very fatherly to Sel.’

      Hazel said, ‘I don’t know about that. Ask me, half the crew belongs in the madhouse.’

      She’d put a saucer over my teacup, to keep it warm while I was searching for Sel. It’s funny the little things that make you fall for a girl.

      I said, ‘Are you going to let me take you dancing when we get to Southampton?’

      ‘Maybe,’ she said.

      I knew one of the pastry chefs was keen on her. I’d seen her chuckling with him.

      Sel didn’t have a good trip sailing east that first time. There was the upset with Carey. Then one of the pianists complained about him improvising in the Midships Bar so he got a stripping down from Massie about doing what he was paid to do and not a note more. They started trying to needle him in the mess room too, calling him Sally instead of Sel.

      ‘Sally, Sally, don’t ever wander,’ they’d sing, hoping to aggravate Mother into grabbing a knife again.

      On Channel night I went looking for Hazel before we started the show in the Veranda Grill. She was working on a silk blouse with a piece of tissue paper, trying to get a water mark off it.

      I said, ‘Well, have you made your mind up? What’s it to be? Coming ashore with me or sleeping your life away?’

      ‘I don’t drink, mind,’ she said.

      I said, ‘That’s all right. You can have a port and lemonade.’

      ‘Cled,’ she said, ‘invite Sel to come with us. He seems very down in the dumps.’

      We had a nice crowd in for Gala Night. Tex got in a bit of a tangle with ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ but nobody appeared to notice and Tex couldn’t have cared less. He knew Sel outshone him. I think he was just vamping until something else came along; a rich widow looking for companionship, or death from strong drink. It’s only when you’re on the up that you care how highly you’re rated. The downward slide is the downward slide wherever you are on it.

      I said to Sel, ‘Me and Hazel are going to the Imperial for afternoon tea after we’ve docked, but I don’t suppose you feel like coming with us?’

      ‘Yeah, all right then,’ he said. ‘Keep an eye on you, you old goat.’

      The ladies always liked him, laughing at his silly jokes, telling him all their business. Not that he ever had a lot to show for it. I was the one who got results.

      ‘Hazel,’ he said, ‘I want to pick your brain. What’s the best thing for my patent leather shoes?’

      ‘Vaseline,’ she said.

      He said, ‘And what about the black satin on my revers?’

      ‘Potato water.’

      ‘This woman’, he said, ‘is a treasure.’

      He was holding her hand.

      ‘Now what about old Chufty Auchtermuchty? I was watching him during the cocktail hour. He looks like a man who doesn’t always know where his mouth is. You been removing stains for him?’

      ‘His name’s Lord Auchinloss,’ she said, ‘and I’m not telling.’

      He said, ‘All right, just tell me this, you know that furry thing he wears between his legs all the time?’

      She was laughing. ‘That’s called a sporran, Sel,’ she said.

      ‘I’ll take your word for it,’ he said. ‘But seriously, what would you do with that if he brought it to you and asked you to take care of it?’

      ‘Throw it a steak,’ she said.

      They were in a silly mood, the pair of them.

      I said, ‘Don’t let us keep you, Sel. I expect you’re keen to go and meet your pals.’

      It was seven o’clock before I got shot of him.

      Hazel said, ‘He’s lovely. I have enjoyed myself.’

      I said, ‘I hope you’re not using me to get to him because you’ll be in for a disappointment. That business holding your hand? It’s just acting. He’s got no time for romance. All he’s interested in is seeing his name in lights.’

      ‘He’s still lovely,’ she said. ‘He has a very happy attitude to life.’

      Of course, she didn’t know the half of it. She hadn’t seen him moving