Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. Barbara Angelis De
cleaning on the way home.”
“Did you remember to pay that overdue electric bill?”
“Do you realize the petrol is almost on empty?”
“You didn’t remember to make reservations? Never mind, I’ll call for you.”
“How many times do I have to remind you not to leave those wet towels on the floor?”
“Don’t you think you’re going to be cold with that light jacket on?”
If you’re like me, you’re cringing with guilt after reading this list. Mistake #1 is one of the most common and destructive habits we have with men. We treat men like children; we assume they can’t take care of themselves; we act as if they are incompetent, and that they need us to run their lives for them.
Now, I know what you’re thinking - that in many cases, these assumptions are true! And you may be right. But that’s not the point. What’s important is this:
WHEN YOU TREAT A MAN LIKE A LITTLE BOY HE’S GOING TO ACT LIKE A LITTLE BOY. WHEN YOU EXPECT A MAN TO BE INCOMPETENT, HE REMAINS INCOMPETENT
WAYS WOMEN ACT LIKE MOTHERS AND TREAT MEN LIKE CHILDREN
1. Acting overly helpful by doing things for men that they should be doing for themselves. We look for his keys; pick up after him; go in the other room to get him something he can easily find himself; straighten his tie; comb his hair; choose his clothes for him in the morning and lay them out on the bed.
2. Playing verbal guessing games with men, trying to pull information out of them. We say, “Okay, you’re hungry … are you in the mood for cereal? No? What about some pretzels? Not pretzels? Okay, then what about some nice soup? Not appealing. Hmm, let me think … I know … what if I make you a grilled cheese sandwich? Wouldn’t you like that?”
3. Assuming men will be absentminded or forgetful, and reminding them of information they should remember by themselves
“Don’t forget to call me when you get there.”
“Don’t forget to pick up Susie at her dance class.”
“Don’t forget the rubbish needs to go out tonight.”
“Don’t forget your doctor’s appointment after work.”
4. Scolding them as if they were children
“Where do you think you’re going without a jacket? Don’t you know how cold it is outside?”
“How many times do I have to tell you to turn the lights off before coming to bed. Our electric bill is outrageously high.”
“You ate a whole pizza and had three beers at Eddie’s house while you watched the match? No wonder you have a stomach ache.”
5. Taking charge of activities that you assume they can’t do right
“If I let Fred make our dinner reservations, he somehow gets the time wrong, and forgets to request a good table, so I just do it myself.”
“The last time I sent Steven clothes shopping with the kids, it was a disaster - they came home with stuff they could never wear to school. Now I just take them myself. I couldn’t stand to go through that again.”
“I asked Jason to find us a nice hotel in Chicago months ago, and wouldn’t you know that it ‘slipped his mind.’ NOW our trip is three weeks away, and I’m the one who ends up making the phone calls anyway. I should have just done it myself in the first place.”
6. Correcting and directing them
“No, honey, the couple we met on vacation were from Virginia, not West Virginia.”
“The way you just used that word in a sentence was incorrect, dear.”
“I think you should take the Westway to avoid the traffic on the Parade. In fact I’d get into the left lane now if I were you.”
“Why don’t you just call your mother up, and first tell her that the kids aren’t feeling well, and then mention how busy you are this week at the office. After she starts to feel concerned, then let her know that we’ve decided not to come to visit next Sunday. But whatever you do, don’t tell her we saw my mother last weekend.”
WHY WOMEN MOTHER MEN
I know you hate to think you might be taking a mothering role with the man you love, but believe me, you’re not alone. Why do we act like mommies and treat our men like children?
Julie had been married to Fred for three years when she came to me complaining about her relationship. “I don’t feel like Fred’s wife,” she said bitterly, “I feel like his mother! He seems to act like such a baby around me, expecting me to pick up after him, think for him, and be the one who ends up in charge. He’s getting lazier and lazier, and I’m getting more and more angry!”
Julie wasn’t even aware of how natural it was for her to mother Fred. She’d been blaming him for being immature for so long, that she’d never taken a look at her part in creating the problem. As we talked about her parents, we could both see the roots of Julie’s mommy game. “I can’t ever remember my mother and father being intimate or romantic with each other,” Julie recalled sadly. “My dad traveled a lot for his business, and my most vivid and common memories of my mother are of her packing for him before his trips, unpacking for him after his trips, making sure he remembered to keep his appointments when he was in town, and constantly fussing over his clothes. I guess by the time we were in our early teens. Dad was kind of like one of the kids. Mom would scold us and scold him; she’d shove lunches at us and shove his lunch at him. I never realized that, on some level, I must have concluded that loving a man meant treating him like Mom treated Dad.”
Until recently, being a mother was one of the only acceptable “professions” for women with nurse and teacher close behind. We grew up seeing our mothers rewarded for their nurturing behavior, and getting rewarded for that same behavior in ourselves: “Good Sally, you’re taking care of your little brother so nicely.” “Be a sweetheart, Jane, and bring Daddy his slippers - that’s my girl.”
WE OFTEN RETURN TO OUR MOTHERING BEHAVIOR WHEN WE WANT TO BE LOVED BY A MAN
Darlene, married for fifteen years, described it this way: “Whenever I feel like I’m not getting enough attention from Charlie, I definitely fall back into the mothering mode - I start baking his favorite dishes, or organizing his drawers for him, or trying to be as helpful as I can. What I really want is more affection, more intimacy, for him to act like more of a lover and not just a husband. Of course, this is the opposite of what I get - the grateful ‘son’ thanking me for being so considerate.”