Putting Alice Back Together. Carol Marinelli
you getting out.’
Not with my credit card. I pushed the button and took a ticket and I heard her irritated sigh because I hadn’t taken her advice.
I couldn’t stand this.
She was going.
In an hour or so she’d be gone and I didn’t want it to end on a row.
‘I just…’ We were through the barrier and going up the levels. ‘He rang just as I was dashing out. I knew you were waiting and I couldn’t find a pen—I just forgot, okay? I’m sorry.’ The place was packed and we drove around but ended up going up another level and I knew I hadn’t mollified her.
I didn’t want her to leave on a row.
I didn’t want her to leave on a row because it would make it easier for her to never come back.
‘I’m not jealous, Nicole.’ I found a parking spot, it was narrow and it would be hell getting out, but I squeezed in. ‘I’m just…’
‘Just what, Alice? Go on, just say it.’
How, though?
‘Just what, Alice?’ She insisted to my rigid face. ‘Come on, if you’ve got something to say then I want to hear it.’
‘I’m worried about you.’ I turned and looked her square in the eye and she stared right back. ‘Remember how badly you took it when Dean broke up with you?’
‘Paul’s nothing like Dean.’
‘Off course he’s not,’ I said quickly, and then paused for a moment. ‘But he does live on the other side of the world. I’m just worried how you’re going to be if it all ends.’
‘It might not end,’ Nicole said firmly, ‘and if it does then I’ll deal with it. You don’t have to worry about me, Alice. I’m not like I was when Dean broke up with me. I know I was a mess, I know I must have been a pain to live with and how great you were and everything, but that was years ago.’
‘There have been others since then, though,’ I pointed out gently. ‘And you always seem so…’ I struggled to find a softer word than the one that was on the tip of my tongue, but none was forthcoming. ‘So devastated when you break up with someone. You’ve got so much pinned on this trip; I’m just scared you’re…’
‘Heading for a fall?’ Nicole asked, and I nodded, not sure how she’d take it, so I was infinitely relieved when she leant over and wrapped me in a hug.
‘Oh, Alice, that’s so like you.’ She hugged me tighter. ‘Always worrying about other people, and I suppose with my track record…’ She gave a little laugh and pulled away. ‘I know I’ve been an idiot over guys in the past, but I’ve grown up since then. I’m a lawyer, I see women every day moving on with their lives after their relationships break up—I’m not going to crumple in a heap if Paul and I finish.’
‘I know. I’m just concerned for you, that’s all.’
‘Well, you don’t have to be,’ Nicole said, but her words were gentler now.
‘I’m sorry I forgot to tell you he rang.’
‘I’m sorry for bringing it up, I was being stupid.’
And I left it at that.
We were friends again.
That was all that mattered.
We made an odd little group. We were rarely all together but Nic seemed genuinely delighted that we’d made the effort.
Dan was there waiting, the most beautiful man on God’s earth, and his face lit up when he saw me. I just fell into his arms and stayed there for a moment.
He knows me better than anyone.
He knew, more than anyone, how hard tonight was for me.
He just didn’t know it all.
‘She’ll be back,’ Dan said, and kissed the top of my head and held me for a moment. ‘How was last night?’
‘Great.’ My face burnt in shame against his chest for a full minute before I could bring myself to look up. ‘You missed a good night.’
Roz was there too. In contrast to Dan and his suit, Roz was in last night’s cargo pants and T-shirt.
‘Come on,’ said Dan as he let me go. ‘Let’s go and have a drink.’
‘I can’t, I’m driving.’
‘You can have one,’ Dan said, but I shook my head and the three of us found a seat as he went to the bar.
I never got that—I mean, what is the point of having one?
Why would you sit there nursing one gin and tonic when you know you can’t have another?
I’d rather just go without.
‘What time do you have to go through?’ Roz asked, and Nicole glanced at her watch.
‘Not for another hour.’
My lips pursed a touch—all that carry-on and we had to sit here for an hour.
Dan was up at the bar, ordering the drinks, and I was thinking that maybe I should have one after all, because sitting here trying to make small talk, trying to pretend that in fifty-six minutes we wouldn’t be saying goodbye with that awful music hitting every nerve, was more than I could bear.
You know those two-way mirrors at airports?
I assume you think, like I used to, that customs officers are standing behind them, checking you out. Watching how you walk in case you’ve got half a kilo of crack cocaine concealed in your privates.
Well, they’re not.
Instead they’re standing there pissing themselves laughing as they choose the next song and watch the public’s reaction.
I swear that’s what they’re doing.
It’s bad enough your loved ones are leaving, but to have to sit and listen to that…
I love music, I love songs, I love lyrics, I love notes, and every last one at the departure lounge is, I’m sure, designed to encourage suicide.
And that won’t end it though, oh, no, because suicide’s a sin, so you’ll end up in hell. A hell I’ve just upgraded, because not only will you perpetually be saying goodbye to your loved ones, they’ll have the music that most gets to you, playing over and over, as you do.
‘Here you go.’ Dan hadn’t listened to me and had got me my one gin and tonic and I was glad that he had.
I glanced at the clock.
Fifty-three minutes now.
Oh, and they were having fun in customs, they were really cranking it up.
We’d had Mike and the Mechanics, ‘The Living Years’.
And then the customs officers were all nudging and grinning behind those two-way mirrors because they’d unearthed an ancient New Seekers song, and, lucky me, it’s the one Mum played over and over when Dad left—’I Wanna Go Back’.
And I was really trying to smile and chat to Nicole, but I wanted to go back too.
‘I Wanna Go Back’. I couldn’t help it, I was starting to cry.
‘It’ll be sodding “Leaving on a Jet Plane” next!’ Dan grinned and put his arm around me.
‘I’m going to go through,’ Nic said, because she could see I was upset and, as she doesn’t smoke, she was quite happy to be on the other side trying out perfume in the duty free. I could tell Roz was relieved because she wanted to get outside for a fag.
And suddenly we were there at the silver doors and it’s the place I hate most on this earth.
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