William’s Progress. Matt Rudd
Underneath, it reads: ‘Paris in the winter: it’s like being in a film, a beautiful film. The romance is illicit. You steal each other’s kisses.’
It has always been important to keep Andy grounded when it comes to women. Johnson and I think of ourselves as his emotional anchor. Every time he starts talking rubbish about romance, we have to take him for a pint and suggest that he calms down, cancels his plans to emigrate to Santiago with the secretary from the Chilean Embassy and maybe first goes for dinner with her a couple of times. After that, things usually sort themselves out. Saskia is a different prospect: emotionally manipulative with very long legs. It may prove harder to keep him on an even keel.
Happily, there is a small text box below the photo inviting comments. I type, ‘Pass le sac de vomit,’ and hastily log off before Anastasia can make any more sarcastic comments.
Tuesday 26 February
Andy’s e-mail: ‘I found your comment on my Facebook page upsetting.’
My e-mail: ‘Lighten up.’
His e-mail: ‘You need to get over your hang-up with Saskia.’
My e-mail: ‘I have, but do you really expect to post a cheesy picture of you and my ex on the internet and not get the slightest reaction?’
His e-mail: ‘You didn’t go out with her. You had a fling with her and you dumped her. Callously. You should move on, man.’
I decided not to dignify that with a response. For about five minutes. Then I e-mail back saying how disappointed I am in Andy, that he was there when we discovered what Saskia had been up to with Alex, that I can’t believe he is being so easily manipulated. No reply. Loser.
Wednesday 27 February
THE THREE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY
1 Isabel woke up at 5.30 a.m., snuck down to my sofa bed, woke me up and said, ‘Jacob’s asleep,’ before starting naughty kissing. Having been asleep, I was still half asleep when I began naughty kissing back. Then, before I could stop and think what I was doing, Isabel was saying, ‘Gently,’ and we were having post-op sex. Less than two months after the Caesarean. And then Isabel was saying, ‘I think we need to stop. It’s hurting.’ And I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t going to have sex with Isabel until she was a thousand per cent recovered. How had this happened? We stopped and that will be it for a while.
2 Saskia is trying to become my Facebook friend. I can’t say no because she’ll know and Andy will know and that will seem childish. And I can’t say yes because then I’d be Facebook friends with Saskia.
3 When I got home from an entirely miserable train journey during which the ginger woman filed her nails and flossed her teeth right opposite me, I found a large half-egg-shaped package in the midst of our living room.
‘Hi, darling,’ said Isabel, as if there wasn’t a large half-egg-shaped package blocking our view of each other.
‘Hi. How are you?’ Was I the only person who could see it?
‘Oh, fine. Jacob is playing up but nothing out of the ordinary.’ Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe I had suddenly developed a half-egg-shaped cataract.
‘Darling?’
‘Yes.’
‘I think I’ve got cataracts.’
‘What?’
‘Either that or the bath, which was supposed to arrive in two weeks’ time, has arrived already.’
‘I know, it’s exciting, isn’t it?’
‘Does this mean we’re going to have a bath in our living room for the next three weeks? Or is there the slightest chance that Geoff and bloody Alex are starting earlier than expected?’
‘No, they can’t, unfortunately. They’re going to Barbados. And they want to be around when the work begins. Because of the filming.’
‘The filming?’
‘Yes. In order to cover the costs of the whole installation, they’re going to have a small camera crew doing a little television thing. It’s only a daytime thing. Spruce Up Your House or something. Geoff and Alex are the presenters. It’s a big deal for them, but it shouldn’t affect us. Didn’t I mention it?’
‘No.’
‘Oh right, sorry. It’s not going to be a big deal, so don’t worry.’
‘But—’
‘I should also mention that there’s been a slight change of plan re the colour.’
‘Why are you talking like someone at a call centre?’
‘It’s lilac.’
‘What is?’
‘The bath.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘The bath is lilac. Only a bit. You’ll hardly notice. It’s like a lilac-white. They just thought it would match the colour scheme better and be more relaxing.’
‘We have a pink bath?’
‘Lilac. Lilac-white. Do you want to see?’
‘No.’
‘I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, moreeternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of alittle baby when it wakes in the morning and coos orlaughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.’
VINCENT VAN GOGH
Friday 1 March
REASONS TO BE HAPPY
1 I am a father.
2 I am still alive.
3 Isabel is still alive.
4 Jacob is still alive, he is two whole months old already and no longer looks so fragile that he might not make it through the night. According to the health visitor, who appears to have accepted that we are, in spite of everything, not about to end our child’s life at our earliest convenience, he is now above average in height and weight. If we play our cards right, this means he will be a successful rugby player and I will get tickets for Twickenham internationals through his club.
REASONS TO BE UNHAPPY
1 Due to the pressures of modern life as well as the relentless marketing that children are exposed to from a very early age, we won’t have a chance to play our cards right and Jacob will become one of the nine out of ten children who are morbidly obese by their fifth birthday.
2 We have a bath in our living room. This means I can’t open the sofa bed. This means I can either sleep back in the bedroom with a fidgety baby and a fidgety wife or I can sleep in the bath.The bath, due to its annoying egg shape, is uncomfortable to lie in.And it’s pink.The ‘present’ Alex and Geoff have given us comes with a television crew attached, so it wasn’t really a present at all.
3 And I am not talking to my best friend.
4 Every time I think about sex with Isabel, I feel terrible because she’s the mother of our baby. She’s vulnerable. She wants protecting and looking after and help with the whole mother–baby thing. Not sex. She says otherwise, but I’m pretty sure she’s pretending to make me feel better. It’s confusing.
5 This