The Complete Parenting Collection. Steve Biddulph
his own penis while you supervise.
Q: Should I pull back the foreskin to keep his penis really clean?
A: This is not necessary, in fact it’s not a good idea at all. At this age the foreskin is adhered to the end of the penis. Toddlers naturally pull back their foreskin little by little, and at about three or four years of age you will notice that it retracts. At the age of four, you can tell him from time to time in the bath to pull it back and wash around the end of the penis. Show him how to leave the foreskin back until he is dry after a shower, and how to pull the foreskin back when having a wee so as to keep urine from staying underneath it.
Q: My son pulls and stretches his penis or pushes his finger inside it. Is this okay?
A: Basically children won’t damage themselves, because if it hurts they’ll soon stop! Penises are a little fascinating to their owners, feel comforting to hold, and this is fine. Don’t make a fuss about it.
Q: My son often holds onto his penis to stop himself weeing. Is that harmful?
A: Most boys do this. Girls have strong pelvic muscles that can hold back their wee without anyone knowing they’re doing it. Boys are made differently, and can’t do this. So if they need to do a wee but are too engrossed in playing, they will often ‘hang on’. Encourage them to take a toilet break!
Q: What name should we call our child’s penis?
A: Call a penis a penis. Don’t make up silly names for it.
Q: When boys are a little older, they sometimes get hit in the testicles during games. What should I do?
A: Testicles are very sensitive – that’s why all the men crouch over in sympathy if someone gets hit in the crotch during a cricket match. But usually there is no lasting damage. Go with your boy to a private spot and check him out gently. If there is severe pain, swelling, bleeding, bruising, or if pain continues to make him cry for a long time, or if he vomits, then get him straight to a doctor. Otherwise just let him sit quietly and recover. If tenderness continues after a few hours, have him checked by a doctor.
If you are in any doubt on these questions, talk to your doctor. It’s always best to be on the safe side.
Always encourage children to be careful of each other’s bodies. Challenge your son or daughter strongly if they think harming other kids is funny or trivial. Come down hard on games that involve grabbing or hitting people in the genitals. Some TV shows treat these injuries as a joke, which they are not. Being hit in the genitals is about as funny as being hit in the breasts, and testicles are far more sensitive.
(Our thanks to Dr Nick Cooling for this information.)
AT THE SHOPS
Julie and her son Ben, aged eight, were in town to do some supermarket shopping. Just outside the shop they saw two girls from Ben’s class at school, sitting on the bench. Ben gave a cheery ‘Hi’ to the girls, but instead of saying ‘Hi’ back, both girls just looked at the ground and giggled!
Julie and Ben finished their shopping and went on down the street. Julie noticed that Ben was rather quiet, and asked how he was going. ‘Oh, I’m fine,’ said Ben (who, after all, is an Australian male and obliged to say this!).
Julie wasn’t put off. ‘Did it upset you that those girls just laughed and didn’t say hello?’
‘Umm … yes,’ admitted Ben.
Julie thought for a moment before replying. ‘Hmm, well I don’t know if it helps, but I remember being a girl in Third Grade. You did have your favourite boy. But it was kind of awkward. If he spoke to you, especially if you had friends around, you might get embarrassed. So you just might giggle to cover it up. I don’t know if that fits here or not.’
Ben didn’t say anything, but he seemed to be walking taller all of a sudden!
‘Anyhow, it’s lucky,’ Julie went on, ‘that we’ve forgotten the milk! So we have to go back!’ And before Ben could even gasp, she swung round right there on the footpath and headed back to the supermarket. ‘You’ll get a second chance!’ she added. The girls were still there. This time they gave their own cheery ‘Hi’, and Ben had a conversation with them while his mother searched for the milk – which took a while to find!
Adjusting your mothering to his growing up
As a boy grows from helpless baby to towering teenager, your parenting style has to adjust with him. To begin with, you’re ‘the boss’, providing constant supervision. In the school years you teach, monitor and set limits. Later, you are a consultant and friend as he makes his own way. You gradually allow more and more responsibility and freedom. It’s all in the timing. Here are some clues to this.
The primary school years
In the primary school years a lot of gentle steering and helping goes on. Mothers watch their sons’ activities for dangers or for a lack of balance. They set a limit to TV viewing and computer time, so that boys get out and get some exercise. (Many schools have banned computer ‘play’ in lunch breaks because some boys never learn to socialise or interact – skills they really need.)
Encourage your son to invite friends over, and be kind to and chat with them. Feeding them always helps! Ask them for their points of view and their ideas about school and their lives.
It’s okay and important to monitor and check who will be there when your son visits a friend’s house. Are they well supervised? Boys can get into deep water if no-one looks out for them at this age. They shouldn’t be left alone in a house for long under the age of ten (though this depends a lot on where you live). Riding bikes around is not good after dark. And under ten, boys are not yet ready for the traffic on main roads. Their peripheral (sideways) vision is not yet fully developed for judging traffic speeds.
At secondary school
By secondary school, living with a boy is more a matter of fair exchange – ‘I’ll drive you there if you help me out here’, ‘If you cook, I’ll clean up’. A boy can accept the clear separation of his activities from yours. But stay friendly and available so that talking can still happen. Be sure to still have special times one-to-one. Stop for a drink and talk on shopping trips. Go out to the movies together, and have time after to talk.
Some boys still love cuddles at this age, while others find it too intrusive. Find ways to show affection that are respectful of his wishes. Sit close on the couch, stroke his head at bedtime, tickle him – find the ways that he doesn’t mind.
You may have to make a stand against a school or a sport wanting to dominate your kid’s life too much. (See ‘Homework Hell’). Allow your son to have a ‘health day’ or two once a term – a day off school when he doesn’t have to be sick, but can be peaceful by himself.
Towards the end of high school, around the pressured time of major exams, help your son to study, but take a position that this is not the meaning of life, and that enjoyment and soul-time are also important. Let him know that his worth is not measured by exam results.
In Australia a kind of competitive madness has developed around Year 12 exams. They’re portrayed as the make-or-break year of a person’s life. We can blaze a middle road here, encouraging kids to give school their best shot (all through late secondary school) but keeping it in proportion with the real goals of adolescence – which are to find