How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. Leil Lowndes
Willie beamed.
When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes. And Carla continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them were making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth, I said, ‘Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you?’
‘Yes,’ Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us.
‘And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,’ I continued.
‘Yes,’ she murmured, now confused at my question.
‘Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?’
‘Yee-es,’ she answered haltingly.
‘Well, I have a request, Carla. The next man who smiles at you, I want you to give him that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.’
‘Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.’
‘Carla, do it!’ Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, ‘Hello, come join us.’ He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation.
After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend.
Just then the technique I call the Big-Baby Pivot was born. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.
Technique 5:
The big-baby pivot
Give everyone you meet the Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 per cent toward New Person shouts ‘I think you are very, very special.’
Remember, deep inside everyone is a big baby rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is.
The next technique reinforces their suspicion that they are, indeed, the centre of the universe.
The secret to making people like you
A very wise man with the funny name of Zig9 once told me, ‘People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care … about them.’ Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!
Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch – from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet – must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an ‘I care about you’ attitude.
Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive. Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius, he ‘has a lean and hungry look – he thinks too much – such men are dangerous.’ So it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.) And hungry (we’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this potential relationship). So we think too much instead of responding with candid, unselfconscious friendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.
When our bodies are shooting off 10,000 bullets of stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to assure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly.
To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.
How to trick your body into doing everything right
Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it Hello Old Friend.
When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone book. No information on-line. None of your mutual friends had a clue.
Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.
That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to convince New Person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, ‘Great to see you again!’ or ‘How have you been all these years?’ You merely say, ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ ‘I am pleased to meet you.’ But, inside, it’s a very different story.
You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make New Person feel very special indeed.
Technique 6:
Hello old friend
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!
The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.
In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semi-formal gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours.
Not a word need be spoken
The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes