You Cannot Be Serious!: The 101 Most Frustrating Things in Sport. Matthew Norman

       To Rebecca and Louis, implacable enemies of sport in all its myriad guises

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

      Introduction

      101 - Roger Federer

      100 - Neville Neville

      99 - Adolf Hitler

      98 - Simon Barnes

      97 - The Argentine Polo Player

      96 - Blake Aldridge

      95 - Peter Fleming

      94 - Tony Green

      93 - Frank Warren

      92 - Graeme Souness

      91 - Kriss Akabusi

      90 - Ronnie O’Sullivan

      89 - Pelé

      88 - Brian Barwick

      87 - Sledging

      86 - Graham Poll

      85 - Pat Cash

      84 - Richard Keys

      83 - Harold ‘Dickie’ Bird

      82 - Mervyn King

      81 - Virtual Racing

      80 - Alastair Campbell

      79 - The Vuvuzela

      78 - The Charlton Brothers

      77 - The Charity Fun Runner

      76 - Rhona Martin

      75 - Arjen Robben

      74 - David O’Leary

      73 - Lleyton Hewitt

      72 - Ken Bailey

      71 - Alan Sugar

      70 - John McEnroe

      69 - David Bryant

      68 - Badge-Kissing

      67 - In da Hole!

      66 - Sir Geoffrey Charles Hurst

      65 - George Graham

      64 - Eric Bristow

      63 - Jonathan Pearce

      62 - Sir Clive Woodward

      61 - The Japanese Racing Driver

      60 - Jonathan Edwards

      59 - Sven-Göran Eriksson

      58 - Sir Allen Stanford

      57 - The Jockey Club

      56 - Daniel Levy

      55 - Joe Bugner

      54 - Flavio Briatore

      53 - John Motson

      52 - Willie Carson

      51 - Mike Gatting

      50 - Footballers in Gloves and Tights

      49 - Paula Radcliffe

      48 - Tony Blair

      47 - BBC Sports Personality of the Year

      46 - Colin Montgomerie

      45 - Glenn Hoddle

      44 - Andre Agassi

      43 - Dwain Chambers

      42 - Sir Ian Botham

      41 - Ron Atkinson

      40 - The Centre Court Crowd

      39 - Will Carling

      38 - Tiger Woods

      37 - Sue Barker

      36 - Andy Gray

      35 - Mark Nicholas

      34 - The Barmy Army

      33 - Ashley Cole

      32 - Olympic Race Walking

      31 - Mick McCarthy

      30 - Thierry Henry

      29 - Naseem Hamed

      28 - David Pleat

      27 - Sepp Blatter

      26 - The Bare-Chested Gargantuan Newcastle Fan

      25 - Steve McClaren

      24 - John Inverdale

      23 - Kenneth Bates

      22 - Alan Shearer

      21 - Billy Bowden

      20 - Derek Thompson

      19 - Michael Schumacher

      18 - John Terry

      17 - Pete Sampras

      16 - Harald ‘Toni’ Schumacher

      15 - Kevin Pietersen

      14 - Mark Lawrenson

      13 - Audley Harrison

      12 - Tim Henman

      11 - José Mourinho

      10 - The Henman Parents

      9 - Geoffrey Boycott

      8 - Sir Alex Ferguson

      7 - Bernie Ecclestone

      6 - The Offside Rules of Rugby Union

      5 - Arsène Wenger

      4 - Alan Green

      3 - Sebastian Coe

      2 - The England Football Team

      1 - Peter Alliss

      Copyright

       About the Publisher

      Introduction

      I love sport. I love it with a passion so obsessive that it strikes me as indistinguishable from mental illness, as my wife would be gracious enough to confirm. In May 1991, three days into the commencement of our courtship, she awoke at 6.30 a.m. to hear me announce that I was leaving the flat to tie a shoelace on the northbound Northern Line platform at Embankment underground station. Spurs were playing Nottingham Forest in that afternoon’s FA Cup final, I explained as her absolute indifference gave way to mild alarm, and because such a shoelace-tying had prefaced our victory over Manchester City in the replayed Cup final of 1981, it had to be done again. She didn’t say anything.

      Nor was she capable of speech four months later when, a week into our honeymoon, I checked us out of a quaint Shaker inn in rural Massachusetts and