And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets
quite jolly really, food a bit horrid though. Most of it ok but partridges v dry & tough although everybody politely denied it. Also v British apple crumble had distinct (and somewhat Continental) garlic flavour as Dan, ‘helping’, had used a garlicky knife to slice the apples. As predicted the absolute wanker Gil spent the evening trying to grope Fran who in turn spent the evening trying to fight him off without drawing attention to herself as it’s so humiliating for Geraldine. He has grown a beard for some part he’s doing so is even more unattractive than usual. Geraldine got quite drunk & told me they never have sex any more. Bearing in mind he’d spent the evening trying to mount poor Fran, he’s clearly up for it. She told me she is financing a one-man show (he has written himself) at the Edinburgh Festival. Quentin & Marcia spent the night with Rosamund (7 weeks) and Giacomo (3). Found Hugh & Giacomo posting CDs down gaps in the floorboards this morning. Having stopped them doing that, was alerted to next misdemeanour by loud thudding sound and discovered them jumping off the back of the sofa. Have the constant feeling with Hugh that I am pitting my wits against him to keep him alive. Given his dreadful behaviour at the moment not quite sure it’s worth the effort.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Our New Year’s Eve fantastically dull. Feel even more strongly on New Year’s Eve than on other nights that I would rather stay in (and I feel it v strongly indeed on other nights as you well know). Anyhow thought it would be too sad and pathetic to do nothing so accepted a party invitation from some rather grand people. They are great patrons of the performing arts and a high percentage of the guests were actors, or theatre reviewers, or people otherwise passionately enamoured of the theatre. Entire evening of conversation therefore about plays I have not seen, would not wish to see, indeed would go to great lengths to avoid seeing. Theatre discussion occasionally interspersed with discussion of recent or forthcoming poetry readings. Why any poetry lover, which I consider myself, would want to go and listen to poems read by some ghastly thespian showing off by reading in that stupid actory way they all have, rather than quietly reading them at home is a total mystery to me. Anyhow drank too much to deaden the pain so have horrible hangover and feel my brain moving loosely around in my head. Broke my own resolution to never make New Year’s resolutions and made a resolution not to smack Rob any more as it does no good, really don’t believe in it and never smack the others. Anyhow came down this morning and was making breakfast when Rob came up behind me and stuck his finger in my bum. As I was wearing jersey pyjama bottoms he encountered no resistance. Jumped out of my skin and turned around and swatted him. So that’s going well.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re: fantastic missed opportunity
See, you missed the perfect opportunity when surrounded by so many experts to ask what is the actual point of the theatre as nobody actually REALLY enjoys it, they just like showing off about it afterwards – ever noticed how if someone has been to the theatre they always make a point of weaving it into the conversation, whereas unlikely to be informed if same person has spent a much more enjoyable evening watching Kindergarten Cop. Re New Year’s resolutions – as everybody knows 1st 2 weeks don’t count as this is an ‘adjustment period’ until resolution fully kicks in.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
I’m so annoyed, Dan has lent Toby money for his round-the-world trip. He won’t tell me how much which makes me think it must be quite a lot. I know Hugh & Penelope have lent him money already & Penelope says Hugh is getting quite fed up & wants him to settle down to something. Toby rang this evening to say goodbye, was v charming & sounded v chipper as one might before 4-month holiday paid for by others. Said he would miss us all terribly & see us in April when he’d completed his magnum opus. Said to Dan afterwards that while obviously I am no expert in these matters suspect sweeping epic novels take more than 4 months to write so he told me not to be a cow & Toby was just being enthusiastic.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Don’t blame you for being pissed off about Toby but as Anna will be glad to tell you, blood is thicker than water and Dan probably worries about Toby and is as anxious as you are for him to reach adulthood. Do think on the balance of probabilities unlikely that he will complete epic novel in 4 months (or indeed at all), but not Dan’s fault so don’t take it out on him.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re: mad neighbour
Forgot to tell you about weirdy neighbour Brian Turner’s most recent bonkers preoccupation which has been millennium computer bugs. Came back to stack of barmy letters delivered to all neighbours while we were away. Brian’s apocalyptic predictions included failure of all computers leading to pollution of the water system, no food deliveries to shops, no electricity, gas, etc, etc, this in turn would lead to lawlessness on streets as starving, thirsty people (less well prepared than Brian & his tanklike wife Hildegard) would be forced to roam London stealing canned goods from each other. Among list of many recommendations to prepare ourselves for nightmare new millennium were obvious things like buying lots of tinned food, bottled water, candles, etc, etc, but Brian also, more ominously, suggested keeping a baseball bat by the front door to protect supplies from marauding strangers. Anyway saw Brian in our road today – I THINK looking sheepish (though hard to tell through his big woolly beard), brave of him to come out as he looks a complete arse now. (Though must secretly admit do have quite a lot of water & beans stored in cellar.)
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
You should have scampered anxiously up to him and enquired if it was safe yet to dispense with the baseball bat you’ve been keeping by the front door. I did stock up a bit too, I must admit, though I see with much irritation that my plan to only buy stuff that we would eventually use up anyway has failed as I have inadvertently bought loads of tins of baked beans with sausages in instead of plain baked beans, which the children do eat. Am not about to feed them tinned sausages, God knows what horrendous mechanically recovered body parts go into them.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re: FRAN HAS CRASHED MY FUCKING CAR
Well, not so much crashed it as driven it in slow motion (while I shrieked instructions at her) into some railings outside St Margaret’s. My car is ok, bumper just a bit scraped, unfortunately my nerves & railings are not. Definite dent in railings which unlike my nerves can’t be fixed with large stiff drink. Fran is possibly the world’s worst driver. She drives incredibly slowly while giving the impression of being recklessly out of control. Can’t believe she isn’t grateful DVLC allow her to take the test let alone entertain deranged notion she might one day pass it. Fran v indignant about ‘railings episode’ (too much of an indictment to call it a crash). She says they ‘came at her’. Pointed out to her that if you head towards a stationary object it does tend to ‘come towards you’.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
You must be mad to let her drive your car. The roads are, after all, full of people and objects that can ‘come at you’ quite suddenly when you drive towards them.
We’ve decided to go to Cuba in March when the children have 2 weeks off school. Really looking forward to it. Only a couple of hours flight from here and looks