Mr Unbelievable. Chris Kamara
SUPPORTING CAST
| Howard Wilkinson… | Visionar |
| Ian St John, Frank Burrows… | Pompey managers |
| Stan Bowles… | Gambler |
| Terry Hurlock | Hard man |
| Vinnie Jones… | Actor |
| Gordon Strachan Lee Chapman, etc.… | Leeds team-mates |
| Danny Williams, Bobby Smith, etc.… | Swindon managers |
| Lou Macari… | Disciplinarian |
| Frank McLintock… | Brentford manager |
| Gazza… | Genius |
| Mick Mills… | Stoke manager |
| Alan Ball… | World Cup winner |
| Neil Warnock… | Loose cannon |
| Papa Bouba Diop… | The Man Mountain |
| Geoffrey Richmond… | Bradford City chairman |
| John Hollins’s backside… | Goal thief, Arsenal |
| Radley Smith… | Brain surgeon |
| Frank McAvennie… | Injured playboy |
| Referees… | Know-alls |
| Stephen Bywater… | Pottymouth |
VILLAINS
| Jim Melrose… | Opponent |
| Bobby McGuiness… | Dodgy car salesman |
| Geoffrey Richmond… | Bradford City chairman |
| John Hollins’s backside… | Goal thief, Arsena |
| Radley Smith | Brain surgeon |
| Frank McAvennie… | Injured playboy |
| Referees… | Know-alls |
| Stephen Bywater… | Pottymouth |
THE BIG-MATCH BUILD-UP
With your host, Jeff Stelling
Good morning/afternoon/evening (delete as applicable), dear reader, and welcome to your copy of Mr Unbelievable, one of the most anticipated literary fixtures of the season. Well, at least in the Royal Bank of Kammy, where shares have taken a slight tumble following collapses in the Soccer Saturday accumulator. According to our very own financial analyst (Paul Merson), Kammy has clocked up more negative numbers than a Manchester City financial report. Your shrewd investment will keep his Goals on Sunday shirts bright and pristine for the forthcoming season. You should feel very proud.
It’s also money well spent, because Mr Unbelievable delivers far more than your average ex-footballer’s autobiography. I’ve noticed that this work doesn’t pull any punches when discussing former team-mates, managers and Soccer Saturday panellists.
Anyway, I’m honoured to be introducing such a literary masterpiece. As the suave, granny-magnet host of Countdown, I think I’m amply qualified for the task, but I have been pondering on how best to whet your appetites for the chapters ahead. Chances are you’re already familiar with Kammy’s role on Soccer Saturday, so I’ll avoid detailing his greatest moments or blunders. The author does this very ably himself, somewhere around the front of the book.
You’re probably also familiar with Kammy’s day job. It won’t come as a surprise to you that in Sky’s lengthy contract, the details of his role include giggling like a schoolgirl, mispronouncing the names of Europe’s football elite and shouting ‘Unbelievable!’ into my earpiece at Glastonbury Festival volumes. All of this is covered, too. Instead, I’ll list five amazing, incredible and tantalising facts about his playing career which should prepare you for the excitement ahead.
1/ UNBELIEVABLE!
Kammy’s had more death threats than George W. Bush. And not from viewers of Soccer Saturday. As one of the few black players in English football during the 1970s and early 1980s, Kammy was a target for racist organisations such as the National Front. He came through this horrible affair unscathed.
2/ UNBELIEVABLE!
He’s played at Wembley. For a real football team. No kidding.
3/ UNBELIEVABLE!
He’s managed a club to Wembley glory, too. I won’t tell you which one. Giving it away would be like revealing the end of a J.K. Rowling novel, though some of you should know already.
4/ UNBELIEVABLE!
Eric Cantona was his replacement at Leeds. Seriously, I’m not drunk. Though Eric was hardly filling the boots of Cristiano Ronaldo, it has to be said.
5/ UNBELIEVABLE!
He played for England. Once. But not in the way that you’d think.
So with these tantalising nuggets delivered, it’s time for you to enjoy the rest of the show. It’s quite a performance. Just don’t believe any of the scurrilous gossip featuring yours truly. I can assure you it’s all lies.