The Day I Lost You: A heartfelt, emotion-packed, twist-filled read. Fionnuala Kearney
will be,’ he replied honestly. ‘I just wish …’
‘No, no you don’t.’ She sighed loudly. ‘It’s hard, but you don’t wish – you don’t wish this was different. You don’t wish I was coming back. We are broken.’
The wind was high. He wiped his left eye, which had begun to water, with the back of his hand.
‘It’s the truth, Theo,’ she continued.
Theo bent down on his hunkers, clutched his knees with his free hand. The words of her last sentence entered his brain, rolled around like a spin cycle in a washing machine. Faced with them, he couldn’t deny them. ‘Would you mind coming and taking the rest of your clothes?’ he asked. ‘That body lotion of yours hangs around.’
She was silent.
‘Harriet?’ He stood up again, stretched tall. ‘You there?’
‘I’m here. I’m sorry, I could take them when I pick Finn up Friday?’
‘No. Don’t do that. Finn going to yours for the first time with a boot full of your clothes wouldn’t be a good idea.’
‘You’re right. Sorry.’
Theo turned back towards the house. ‘Stop apologizing, Harriet. If we really are both to move on, we have to find the best way forward for him. I’m not sure we’ve figured that out yet.’
‘No, but it’ll come. We have to stick together where he’s concerned.’
He nodded to a dog walker coming towards him.
‘Are you in the woods?’ Harriet asked.
‘Yeah.’
‘I miss them.’
Theo laughed. ‘I’m trying not to resent that remark.’
‘I miss you too. Of course I do. I’m not in love with you any more, Theo, but I will always love you.’
He felt sure he’d heard that line before – some movie or television drama; perhaps a song.
‘I miss my son. I miss seeing Finn.’ Harriet’s voice faltered. ‘Every day I have to convince myself that leaving him with you was the right thing if I had to go.’
‘I think …’ Theo ignored her underlying question. The last thing he needed was for her to fight him for Finn. ‘I think I just needed to know you’re sure. Because you need to be, Harriet. Once these papers go back, once I put them in the post …’
‘I’m sure. I struggle with it, but I’m sure.’
Theo reached the path, stood aside to let the figure he could see coming in his direction pass.
‘Okay, then.’ With those two words, he felt his wife slip away; he felt her slip into the arms of another man he barely knew. He felt himself loosen his grip and let go. ‘We’ll see you Friday, Harriet. Take care of yourself.’
Theo hung up the phone and stood still, the person on the pathway now only twenty feet from him.
‘I thought you’d be in here,’ Finn said.
‘And what if I hadn’t been? Did you tell Bea where you’d gone?’
They both walked towards the house.
‘Of course I did. Besides, I knew you’d be in here. This is where you always sulk.’
Theo faced his son. ‘I do not sulk.’
‘You do. A little bit. The beach is a good idea on one condition.’
Theo raised his eyebrows, not much in the mood for more conditions being placed on his life. ‘And what’s that?’ he asked anyway.
‘We ditch the ham sandwiches and have fish and chips instead.’ Finn shivered on cue. ‘It’s too cold for sandwiches.’
‘We’ll take them and have them in the car on the way down or back. We’ll have fish and chips when we’re there.’
Finn smiled. ‘I’m ready to go. Are you?’
An hour and a half later, they were both sitting on the highest dune at the furthest end of the stretch of strand at West Wittering. The light was dull, the sun trying to break through the abundant clouds above them. An Atlantic wind whipped around them but Theo didn’t care. The chips were hot, the fish was fresh and crispy, and his son was huddled next to him, munching.
‘You can just see the Isle of Wight, see the outline?’ Theo pointed and Finn nodded. ‘Do you remember the time we all camped there one summer? Your mum got drunk as a skunk!’
Finn nodded again.
‘I know you miss her. You’re bound to miss her. I … I just want you to know that I know.’
Theo noticed the chips couldn’t go into his son’s mouth quickly enough, as if Finn didn’t trust himself to reply. He pulled the blanket he had brought around Finn’s shoulders. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Thanks for doing this today.’ More nodding. ‘I used to come here a lot as a boy, before my father died.’ He followed his son’s gaze, looked out to the grey surf.
‘Why do people have to die, Dad?’
It was such an unexpected remark that Theo said nothing, allowed the question to linger.
‘Anna’s dead, isn’t she?’ Finn added.
Theo thought some more before replying. ‘More than likely, but until a body is found …’
‘No one could survive seventy days buried under snow, not even if they were in a hole of some sort.’ Finn had counted the days.
‘The human instinct is to survive against all odds.’ Theo picked up a chip and placed it in his mouth. It was already cool.
‘You’re a doctor. What do you think?’
When Finn stared up at him from his huddled stance, Theo saw fear and confusion and remembered what it was like to be young and afraid. He felt bad for not recognizing that two epic events had happened within such a close space of time. Harriet is his mother. And she had left him. Anna had been his beloved babysitter for years. And she was probably dead.
He hugged his son close. ‘I think we don’t know until we know. We have to have hope.’ Theo felt Finn’s body hold back tears. He held him as tight as he could without making him want to pull away. In the distance, the Isle of Wight had disappeared into black clouds. ‘However awful things might seem, we have to have hope.’
Finn’s lower lip trembled. ‘Did you like her, Dad? Anna?’ His voice caught on her name.
‘Of course.’ Theo angled himself to try and catch his son’s expression. ‘What a strange thing to say. Now …’ He loosened his grip on his son and gathered the rubbish into the plastic bag he had brought. ‘You put this lot into that bin over there, then I’ll race you to the car.’
Finn grabbed his arm. ‘Dad?’
‘Yes?’
‘Mum … She’s not coming back, is she? Like, never.’
Theo drew the cold air through his nose slowly, and exhaled it even slower. ‘No, Finn. I don’t think she is.’
‘See, I do hope. I keep hoping that Mum will come home. I keep hoping that Anna’s alive but …’
Theo paused before speaking again. ‘I know you do.’ He took one of his hands and squeezed it hard. ‘But we’re here. Alive and kicking. And your mum may be living somewhere else now, but she loves you very much and you can see as much of her as you want, any time. Any place. We will both make sure of that.’
Theo let the statement rest with his son for a few minutes, then turned and play-punched him. ‘So, what about that race?’
As