Don’t Say a Word: A gripping psychological thriller from the author of The Good Mother. A. Bird L.
The old world.
A single wrap of cocaine on a dusty floor.
I slam the file shut.
I close my eyes.
I try to dispel the image.
But I can’t. Because that’s all it took, that time. Well, almost all. That and another nineteen wraps like it.
And the promise of more.
I need some, oh what do I need – air. That’s it. Some air.
I push back my chair and head for the door.
I walk straight into Bill.
‘Oh, good. You’re ready for the meeting,’ he says.
Meeting? Oh. Of course. Note-taking. I dart back to my desk and grab my notebook.
‘Forgot this!’ I say, holding up my notebook. ‘Silly!’
I don’t think I can manage any more words without cracking in two.
Bill looks at me closely.
‘You all right, Jen? You’re a little pale.’
‘New face powder,’ I say. An old line, like they used to use. When it wasn’t the wraps.
‘Ah, fine – well, maybe back to the old one, hey? Golden Jen works best!’ He does an embarrassed laugh. Maybe he thinks I’m going to start talking about feminine hygiene products next.
We go into the meeting room. I slip into a seat next to Bill. He is nice and big and comforting. Like a dad. Not my dad, obviously. Even when he was alive. But Mr Typical Dad. A sturdy shoulder to cry on. To fly you up into the air in his strong arms and make you feel like you can defy gravity.
Perhaps I should just tell him. Perhaps I should have a quiet word and say: look, I can’t get involved in Tim’s case. I don’t know what it’s about but I looked at one picture and now it’s all I can do to stop my brain flashing back there. Back to her. Back to him.
But then, even Bill wouldn’t understand the reaction to that single wrap. Nobody could. Except me and my conscience. Not that I did anything wrong. You’d have done the same in my situation. Or at least, you should have done, if you didn’t want to end up dead.
So, no. We don’t tell Bill. We hold our pen nicely and we mechanically take some notes. And we – from the corner of one eye – look at the clock while it ticks all the way round to when I can go collect Josh. He’ll make everything better. He always does.
The clock is ticking too fast, though. They’re still in mid-meeting flow, and it’s already 3.30. I have to leave 3.40 to get there for 4 if I want a parking space, 3.45 if I just want to double-park and grab. Later than that, and he’s hanging around the school gates, thinking something is more important to me than him. Or ready for someone else to grab.
I start shifting around in my seat. Then a flick of the wrist to look at my watch: 3.31. If only I were more important to these men. Then I could say, ‘OK, let’s be wrapping up now.’
Oh. Unfortunate language.
Come on, Bill.
Still they drone on. Bank transfer, signature, guarantor. Yadda yadda yadda. I need to pick up my son. Is this what it’s like for every mother, or is it just me, with my special considerations?
Can I just go? Can I simply duck out of the room and hope Bill will remember why? That he’ll start to write his own notes? He knows why I have to be at those gates. He knows why I can’t leave Josh waiting. He knows there’s a just in case to end all just in cases. All the fear: Chloe fear; Mick fear; unnamed accomplice fear.
Then, rescue.
In the form of Lucy. Bizarrely.
She’s sticking her head round the door of the meeting room.
‘Sorry to interrupt, Bill. May I borrow Jen? It’s rather urgent.’
Is it? Has she shown sudden compassion and memory about my pick-up times?
Oh fuck.
The Land Transfer forms.
Lucy gets Bill’s best subtle unimpressed look. I’m allowed to share in it. Crap. Crap crap crap.
‘Yes, of course, Lucy. Send in Sheila, will you? She can carry on note-taking.’
I leave the room with as much dignity as I can muster. I know I’m in for a major bollocking now. Well stuff it. She’ll just have to have her forms tomorrow. It’s 3.35 at least by now.
When I’m out of the room, Lucy strides ahead of me until we’re out of earshot of the meeting room. Then it’s blast-off.
‘Well, Jen, where are the forms? I’m assuming you’ve done them? You know I have to send them over by 4 p.m.?’
Silence as I try to rally my brain. With the lunchtime window scare, the Dan call, the drugs picture – I just forgot. I clean forgot.
‘I’m waiting, Jen.’
She’s actually tapping her foot. Oh God this takes me back to all those kitchens, hallways, lobbies – holding chambers for frustration of adults at fucked-up children.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say.
I wait for the response.
‘Sorry isn’t good enough.’
Yep, there it is.
I give a little shrug.
‘Have you done anything on the forms at all?’
‘I’ve started, but –’
‘Well finish now then!’
That is a shout. She is definitely shouting.
I look at my watch.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Jen, do you have to be somewhere?’
‘I have to collect my son,’ I tell her.
‘You should have thought about that before,’ she tells me.
Yep, yep, I should have thought about that before. Before I swore at my new foster dad (then wanted to stay). Before I threw the key of my new children’s-home room into the River Don (then wanted to get my phone). Before I grabbed my bags and told them all I was leaving (but didn’t have any money).
But now I’m a grown-up. Now I get a say.
‘Look, Lucy. It’s nearly 4 p.m. now. You won’t get the forms over before then, even if I stay. This transaction’s been going on for months. Why don’t you call the other side and explain it’s being pushed back one more day? I need to collect my son.’
I make to walk to my desk.
Lucy grabs my arm.
I recoil immediately.
‘Jennifer Sutton, don’t you dare speak to me like that! Put back my transaction I’ve been working on for months because you couldn’t be bothered to do your work? Your son can wait at the gates like everyone else. Or get his dad to pick him up. Or a friend or something?’
‘His father doesn’t pick him up,’ I say. I could say so much more. But that means enough in itself.
‘Look, don’t bother me with your domestic arrangements. You get to that desk, you do your work, or I’m taking you straight back into that meeting room and getting you fired this instant.’
Suddenly a male voice chips in.
‘Lucy, a word?’ It’s Tim.
Lucy wheels round to face him. ‘What?’ she snaps.
If it occurs to Lucy she needs to adjust her tone to speak to a fellow partner, she doesn’t show it. If anything, her eyes narrow.
‘Thought