Fallen Women. Sue Welfare
until he gets himself on his feet. I’d imagine it’s quite nice for them both. Why?’ There was a pause and then Liz laughed. ‘Oh my God, you’re not interested in Guy, are you? Things with Joe can’t be that bad, surely?’ She was laughing. ‘Peter reckons Guy’s used to having someone to wait on him and you know what Mum’s like, she’s always loved to have someone to cook for and make a fuss of.’
Kate wondered who on earth it was Liz saw when she looked at Maggie. She was just toying with the idea of explaining to Liz that their mum wasn’t just making the boy cocoa, when Liz said, ‘Oh and how’s Chrissie? I keep meaning to ring her. Last time we met at yours she was telling me she’d found this gorgeous new man, he was married, I think, which made it all a bit messy –’ and then Liz said, ‘Mind you, I don’t suppose it can be easy starting again at her age. She is quite nice-looking though, isn’t she? In a common sort of way. I suppose there’s a lot of men who find that sort of thing attractive.’
And at that moment Kate decided not to tell Liz anything at all. Ever again. It would be infinitely more satisfying when Liz found out about Guy for herself.
When she finally hung up Kate went into the kitchen made a mug of tea and dumped the bed linen alongside the swing bin. From the window she could see Joe in the garden, sitting on the wall. She watched him for a few minutes and then went outside.
‘Joe?’ She noticed that he flinched at the sound of her voice. Kate felt tears welling up inside, her anger momentarily displaced by a great wave of grief and sharp, pointed loss. Maybe it would be easier never to speak to Joe again, except of course that there were all those things she wanted to say, all those things that she needed to know, and things that had to be said if they stood any chance at all of putting things right.
Kate swallowed hard; did she really want to put it right? Wasn’t this the chance she’d been waiting for for years, a get out of jail free card with all the fine views that came from having the moral high ground? She had as much leverage and power now as she could ever want. The idea made her shiver; surely she was more honourable than this?
Joe turned and looked up at her.
On Thursday, the night before the supper party, when Kate had gone to bed a couple of hours after Joe? When she crept in beside him, that moment when he had turned towards her half-awake and half-asleep? When he had snuggled up against her, encircling her body with his to share his warmth, who had he been thinking of then?
Kate had been so pleased, so bloody grateful that whatever had been firing his discontent had gone – even if only temporarily. Joe had held her in his arms and slowly, oh-so-slowly, begun nuzzling into her neck with a flurry of soft kisses, rekindling the fire, that long slow familiar dance that they had shared so many times. As it was, Joe had been deeper asleep than Kate had first thought and after a few moments he had slowed and stopped and slipped back to unconsciousness but now that image, that seduction, was frozen on an inner canvas.
Did Joe do the same dance with Chrissie, go through those same compelling steps? Join the same dots? Did he make those soft puppy noises of pleasure; did those little high spots of colour appear on his cheeks when he came? Did he nuzzle her neck, cup her breasts, purr into her hair in just the same way as he did with Kate? The thoughts piled in one on top of the other. Kate blinked hard, her whole body rigid. It was agony to swallow down the tears, each one as hot as molten lava.
‘Hi,’ Joe said.
He looked as if he’d been crying. He looked very pale. She knew that men, or at least Joe, didn’t go hunting for the truth in the same way that women do. Men don’t want to know, women do, and once they do know the truth they torture themselves with the things they find out.
But that wasn’t what Kate said aloud, instead she said, ‘Mum rang me. I’ve told her I’ll go up and give her a hand next week.’
‘So what’s changed?’ Joe said. Kate was certain that couldn’t be what he had meant to say. She looked at him. What little colour Joe had left suddenly drained away and as if the words hadn’t been spoken, he continued hastily, ‘What – all week?’
‘Probably.’ Kate paused, wondering how best to describe Guy and then decided not to bother, she didn’t want to share her thoughts or her secrets with Joe any more. ‘There’s no way Mum can manage on her own.’
‘What, so you want me to have the boys all next week?’
Was it that hard to understand, or was it that he was protesting?
‘Yes.’
Joe sucked his bottom lip thoughtfully. ‘I’m really busy at the moment, Kate.’
He paused and looked up at her; Kate knew that the disappointment and pain had already registered on her face, and it struck her as typical that even now, when she needed him most, Joe couldn’t help her. Even now when, if not logic then most certainly guilt, should have him making all kind of rash promises, he just couldn’t do it.
‘I’ll try and reschedule some of the stuff but it’s not going to be easy. I’ve got things booked. Rehearsals, studio time for the radio jingle –’ He didn’t add that he had already missed this morning’s meeting, even Joe wouldn’t sink that low. ‘I’m pretty booked up one way and another.’
‘I’m not a client, Joe. This is my mum and our kids I’m talking about; besides they’re at school all day –’
‘I know, I know – I’m just saying.’ For an instant Joe sounded almost triumphant. He might be in the wrong, but at the moment Kate needed him to do what Joe – at some level – perceived as a favour and somehow that helped to redress the balance of power. And then, all of sudden, Joe leaned forward and smiled. A great big genuine smile. Kate could hardly believe it.
‘Don’t worry, we can sort this out, Kate,’ he said, as if he was talking about the cupboard under the stairs, and then he held out his arm. ‘Come on, it’ll be okay. I’m really sorry, babe. Believe me this whole Chrissie thing was nothing. Just a storm in a teacup. Honest.’
He stood up, nodding his head and stepping closer as if to cuddle her.
Kate felt the hackles on the back of her neck rise. ‘It’s that simple is it, Joe? A few cliches and a promise to look into childcare arrangements and that’s it, is it. Job done? Game over?’
He looked bemused. ‘I don’t know what the hell you’re on about, Kate.’
Had the man got no shame? She backed away, not quite able to believe it.
‘What? What is the matter with you?’ he said, looking genuinely surprised, shocked even, as she took another step away from him. ‘I’ve said I’ll try and sort work and the kids out next week for you. Come on,’ he waved her closer. ‘We’re bigger than this, Kate.’
‘Bigger than this? Bigger than what? Infidelity, lying, cheating?’ For an instant Kate saw Joe in a completely different light. How was it that they had ever stayed together for so long? Were all those years and the man she thought she was married to some clever trick of the light? ‘You’re always telling people you’ll do anything, absolutely anything, for me and the kids. Anything at all as long as it didn’t upset your plans, obviously.’
‘Oh for Christ’s sake, be reasonable.’
‘Reasonable? Reasonable – how dare you?’ Kate took a deep breath, struggling not to choke as a great roaring gust of betrayal blew like a hurricane wind through her memory. She stared at him, trying to fathom out which things between them were still true, which were false, which words of love, which promises, were real now?
‘I’ve already said we can sort this out.’
‘I don’t know if there is anything left for us to sort out, Joe.’
He pulled a puzzled face as if she’d sprung some huge surprise on him.
‘I need to get away from here – from you, I need time to think –’
‘Think?’ he