Happy Adults. Cathy Glass
as criticism and his reaction was causing a problem both at work and in his private life. His wife felt she was ‘walking on egg shells’ and daren’t say anything in case he took it personally.
From what the man said it was likely his father had been over-critical, but by using his father as a convenient scapegoat for any negatives in his life, and failing to take responsibility for his own failings, he was endangering his relationships at home and work. I have been taken aback by the number of other readers in middle age and older who are still able to blame their parents (or carers) for all that was wrong in their present lives. No parent is perfect; parents are fallible human beings and will get their parenting wrong as often as they get it right. Without doubt some people have easier and happier childhoods than others, but as adults we owe it to ourselves to take responsibility for the present and future and move on. As a general guideline, if you haven’t taken responsibility for your own life by the age of twenty-five, then you need to do so ASAP. Otherwise life will be a series of missed opportunities, regrets, discontent and unhappiness. While we can’t change the past, by taking responsibility we can change the present and future. The key to our success is entirely in our own hands.
As well as blaming others and assigning to them responsibility for our lives, we are also very good at blaming situations, circumstances and even fate. I know I’m not being offered the jobs because of my size, wrote one reader who was in her mid-twenties and weighed 25 stone. Her CV was excellent and she was readily called for interview for jobs as a receptionist. But as soon as she walked into the interview room, she said, she knew from the look on the interviewers’ faces that she wouldn’t be offered the job. There is a lot of prejudice towards large people which won’t change overnight. The harsh reality is that if the woman wants a job as a receptionist she is going to have to take responsibility and diet, or accept that she must look for a job where her appearance doesn’t have to conform to a norm.
A lad of eighteen who had failed his exams and dropped out of school wrote: I have a big family with six stepbrothers and sisters. There was never anywhere that was quiet for me to study. That’s why I failed. He was bemoaning being unemployed and having no money. I appreciated that it must have been difficult for him to study at home, but if he had taken responsibility he could have found somewhere quiet to study, such as the library or homework club at school. Even though he now recognized he needed qualifications to get a job, he was still refusing to take responsibility. One option would have been to enrol in a college course to gain the qualifications he needed, and his mother had suggested this, but the lad had a ready list of excuses as to why this or any other suggestion wouldn’t work. Until he took responsibility for his life he was going to continue disgruntled and without a job.
A woman, aged forty-five, who had been in foster care for a year at the age of eight, wrote that she blamed all that was currently wrong in her life, including her two sons being drug dependent, her husband’s domestic violence and her obesity, on being in care thirty-seven years previously. While I would never minimize the disruption being taken into care (or any other trauma over which a person has no control) can have on a young person’s life, by allowing a crisis in her past to become a convenient peg on which to hang responsibility for all her woes and misfortunes, this woman was not taking any responsibility for them herself.
Whether we are suffering as a result of an unhappy/abusive childhood, losing a job, a hurtful comment or action, a failed relationship or a divorce, bereavement, ill health or a fateful encounter, at some point we have to take responsibility for our lives and deal with whatever needs to be changed. Otherwise we are like flotsam on a wave – sloshed around at the will of the tide and never in control of our destiny.
A man, aged twenty-three, who drank excessively and drove while intoxicated, was stopped by the police, heavily fined and banned from driving for two years. He was then sacked from his job, which required a clean driving licence. He blamed fate and an old friend: If I hadn’t stopped off at that pub after work I wouldn’t have met him and none of this would have happened. A better response, where the man took responsibility, would have been: What an idiot I was! But I’ve learnt my lesson. When I get my licence back I’ll never drink and drive again. In the meantime I’ll have to find a job for which I don’t need a driving licence.
Taking responsibility for your life is fantastic! It puts you at the steering wheel and you can go wherever you want. Yes, it can appear a bit frightening before you begin your journey. But once you have assumed responsibility for your life and therefore your destiny, you’ll wonder how you ever managed before.
What you gain from taking responsibility
Let’s look at all the positive outcomes from taking responsibility for your life; there are no negatives!
1. Empowerment. Taking responsibility empowers you. Once you are in charge you can do anything you wish – even fly to the moon, as long as you train as an astronaut first. You decide what you want to do with your life – where you want to be in a week, a month, a year, ten years – and go for it. Many years ago when I was struggling as a writer, receiving more rejection slips than cheques, I was inspired by the maxim We are only limited by the extent of our imagination. It is so true, and by taking responsibility we empower ourselves to achieve whatever our hearts and minds desire.
2. Liberation. Taking responsibility liberates you from the constraints of others. If you pass responsibility for your life to others you will live in the shadow of their experiences, expectations, successes and failures, and this will result in you becoming frustrated and discontented. Once you take responsibility for your life you are no longer beholden to the actions, attitudes or opinions of others, and a huge burden lifts from your shoulders.
One woman, aged thirty-four, who was juggling family life with work and doing unpaid overtime until 6.15 most nights, felt she was ‘being used’ and a ‘slave’ to everyone else, although she knew her husband loved her. She wrote: So I finally stopped blaming everyone else for what was wrong with my life and decided to take responsibility. I explained to my boss (nicely) that I would be leaving at 5.30 in future as I had family commitments. To my surprise he was fine about it, and said he understood and that I should have said something sooner. I then had a big chat with my husband and said I needed some ‘me time’. I am now having ice-skating lessons – something I always wanted to do – on a Wednesday evening, while my husband looks after the children. I was surprised it was all so easy in the end. I felt a great sense of liberation. I am in control of my life again and I’m sure I’m a much nicer person to be with now, at home and work.
3. Achievement. When you take responsibility for your life you can also take the credit for your achievements. What a great bonus! Yes, you may be working alongside others on certain projects and your relationships will be a partnership, but whether you are working on something alone, with someone else, or in a group, any positive outcome you achieve is your responsibility. So give yourself a big pat on the back.
4. Development. By taking responsibility for your life you develop as a person. You learn from your mistakes and use your past experiences to make better judgements in the future. Each new decision you make – regardless of how small or disastrous the outcome – is character forming. You will develop a strength and roundness of character you never thought possible. Others will experience and appreciate your new-found inner strength, although they won’t necessarily recognize the transition you have made. Your development as a person and therefore your new resourcefulness of character will be magnetic. Very soon you will be one of those people others come to for advice and guidance.
5. Satisfaction and contentment. Taking responsibility for your life allows you the satisfaction and contentment of knowing you did your best. Even if the outcome is not as you had hoped, knowing you were in control and you couldn’t have done any more gives you peace of mind.
CHAPTER THREE
Think Positively
We are what we think. Consider this statement for a moment and its implications. How far reaching it is; how simple; how complex; how easy and yet unobtainable!
‘We are what we think’ means that our thoughts create the person we are now and will be in the future. Just as our