The Child’s Secret. Amanda Brooke
concern if only a little.
But there were more pressing needs to deal with first, such as a long drink of water and a shower so Sam left Selina to her sweeping and heaved himself upstairs as fast as his aching legs would carry him. Within minutes he was stepping into a strong spray of water that was cold enough to make him gasp. He dipped his head and let the water run down his back and, despite chattering teeth, refused to turn up the temperature.
Arriving with Anna on his arm at the party had caused quite a stir, not surprising given that the majority of his colleagues hadn’t even been aware of her existence. Everyone was at pains to tell him what a lovely couple they made and, from his beardless appearance alone, how she had already had a positive effect on him. But while Anna had taken it all in her stride, Sam had become increasingly uncomfortable and had drunk far more than he had intended.
The shower helped ease Sam’s muscles, although it hadn’t been quite cold enough to numb his thoughts. Once dressed, he headed back downstairs, his heavy footfalls giving Selina warning of his arrival and she was at the door before he had the chance to knock.
‘Much better,’ she said with a nod of approval as she invited him in.
Selina’s apartment, although more or less the same size as Sam’s, had a different configuration. Most notably, she had sacrificed living space in favour of a large and homely kitchen with enough room to accommodate a family-sized dining table. There were other differences too. Selina was by no means short of homely adornments and had accumulated enough bric-a-brac to cover every available surface, making the décor as demanding of attention as the woman herself. There was no discernible theme to her collection of china figurines and carved animals, nor any co-ordination of colours or styles. Likewise, the paintings on the walls were an eclectic mix and obscured so much of the wall space that there was little evidence of the wallpaper Sam had helped Selina put up six months earlier. The only thing Selina did have in common with Sam was an absence of family photographs on display.
‘Sit yourself down,’ she said and returned to the oven where the makings of a roast dinner was ready to serve.
It smelled delicious, as always, especially compared to Sam’s usual diet of defrosted ready meals, but on closer inspection the roast potatoes were crisp to the point of being charred and the vegetables were on the verge of disintegrating.
‘I know,’ she said, ‘it’s a little overcooked.’
‘Sorry,’ he said, knowing full well that Selina’s timings had only been off because he had stayed out so long.
Selina put her own plate on the table, her portion sizes dwarfed by those she had imposed on her guest, before taking a seat opposite Sam. ‘So what kept you out so long?’
‘I had a bit of a heavy session last night and needed to sweat it out.’
Selina narrowed her eyes. ‘You can’t fool me, Sam McIntyre. So which was it? Were you trying to punish yourself or make your mind up about something?’
Sam played with his food as he wondered how to begin. ‘A bit of both,’ he said at last.
Not satisfied with the answer, Selina waited patiently for further explanation.
‘I knew I’d get comments when I turned up at the party with Anna, but it was her reaction more than anything that bothered me,’ he said. ‘She was talking about her ideas for publishing that children’s book she’s been going on about and it only took one comment about a partnership for Jack’s wife to jump to the conclusion that we were practically engaged. And even though Anna kept telling her it was early days … I don’t know, it was the way she looked at me, as if we were keeping our plans a secret rather than there not being any plans at all.’
‘But there could be one day,’ Selina said, posing the statement as a question.
‘I like Anna and I keep pinching myself that someone like her could be interested in me,’ he said. ‘I enjoy her company, Selina, but if I’m being brutally honest, I can’t see us taking things beyond what they are now.’
‘Never?’ Selina asked, genuinely surprised.
Sam had taken a mouthful of his dinner and chewed as hard on his answer as he did his food. ‘I keep trying to convince myself it’s too soon to tell if the attraction is simply superficial. We’ve been seeing each other for less than two months and we barely know each other.’
‘There’s one way of solving that, Sam: talk to her. Tell her about your feelings. Tell her about you.’
Sam reverted to playing with his food again. ‘No,’ he said firmly. If he had reached one conclusion during his run it was that he shouldn’t be encouraging Anna any more than he already had. ‘I’m not even sure I should keep on seeing her. She’s young and she needs to be with someone she can build a life with. That isn’t me, you know that.’
‘You’re a good catch, Sam, and she’d have to be a fool not to want a future with you. The only fool I can see right now is you. What if she could make you happy?’
‘But I don’t want her kind of happy!’ said Sam as he stabbed at a carrot and immediately turned it to mush. ‘I’m not sure I want happy at all. And yes, I am a fool; a fool for getting involved with her in the first place. It would have been better if I’d just been left in peace.’
Selina had been nibbling at her dinner as if oblivious to Sam’s growing agitation, but when she looked up there was a glint in her eye. ‘You’ve got no chance of that, I’m afraid.’
The comment made Sam smile. ‘Ah, but I can always close my door and ignore you,’ he said but then reconsidered his answer. ‘Actually, no I can’t do that either, can I? But you’re different, Selina. You don’t want anything from me. OK, that’s wrong too.’ Sam was almost laughing now. ‘Yes, you play on my good nature, use my body for your own purposes—’
‘And don’t forget my friends.’
‘Yes, let’s not forget the services I provide to half the octogenarians in Liverpool!’
‘Pat’s only seventy-five,’ she protested.
Exasperated, Sam held aloft his knife and fork in submission. ‘Look, I am willing to accept that we’ve become the weirdest couple in Liverpool but we still live alone, Selina. You’ve chosen your way of life and I’ve chosen mine. I thought going out with Anna was the right thing to do, proving to myself that I’ve still got a pulse, but I never wanted to give up my old way of life completely. The problem is, it’s all about satisfying my needs, not Anna’s. I should have thought about her and what she might want – what she does want from our relationship.’
‘For the record, I didn’t choose my lifestyle,’ Selina reminded him.
Sam dropped his head in shame. Of course it hadn’t been Selina’s choice to live what would have been an otherwise lonely existence for the last fifty years if it weren’t for the good friends around her. She certainly hadn’t chosen to be involved in a car accident that would see her lose both her husband and her unborn child. At only thirty-one she had buried them both, along with her ability to ever carry another child. ‘Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.’
‘I’m not going to be around forever, Sam, and whilst I have a long list of friends who would happily take my place in your life, that isn’t the answer either. You may think you can go it alone, but you can’t. It isn’t in your nature.’
‘You’re not going anywhere and neither am I,’ Sam said.
Selina folded her arms as she faced Sam’s stubbornness head on. ‘Do you like Anna?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘If you weren’t so worried about not being able to live up to her expectations, would you still want to carry on seeing her?’
‘Yes, but—’
‘That’s settled then. If you can’t have Anna on your