The Third Pig Detective Agency: The Complete Casebook. Bob Burke
‘If it isn’t Harry Pigg, crap detective and failed burglar. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone take so long to pick a lock. What kept you?’
My eyes ran slowly up past two legs so fat they were doing GBH to a pair of green stretch trousers. They traversed a torso that suggested its owner enjoyed several square meals a day (quite possibly a few circular, triangular and oval ones as well) and up to a face that defined new levels of ugliness, even for a witch. Imagine Jabba the Hutt with bright red lipstick and a long off-blonde straggly wig and you may get some idea of just how repulsive Edna – for it was she – actually was.
She grinned at me, which was a particularly unpleasant experience as it showed off a mouth with teeth that varied in shades of yellow and green, and that gave off a breath so unpleasant that I almost smelled good in comparison.
‘There I was, wondering exactly what was so special about that lamp I took from Benny when suddenly you appear, stinking to high heaven and apparently eager to take it back.’ She looked me straight in the eye – or at least as straight as someone whose eyeballs rotated in two different directions could – and leaned forward so our faces were almost touching. ‘Looks like you’re the man who can answer this most intriguing of questions. What a timely arrival, eh?’
She was about to slap me enthusiastically on the shoulder but quickly reconsidered when she saw what I was coated in.
She turned to the two henchOrcs who had dragged me into the room. They were small but very mean-looking.
‘Tie him to a chair and hose him down,’ she ordered. ‘I’m not asking him questions until he smells better than he does now.’
She walked towards the door and, as she opened it, she appeared to have an afterthought.
‘Oh and I’m going for a bath, boys,’ she said with a malicious gleam in the eye that was currently looking at me. ‘So no need to use up all the hot water on him, is there?’ And with a long, loud and unpleasantly mocking laugh, she left the room.
As you can imagine, it doesn’t take too long for two very burly henchOrcs to tie a relatively defenceless pig securely to a chair – even a pig that they had to keep at arm’s length owing to the smell. And there was going to be none of that slowly working the trotters free while being interrogated either. These guys were pros in the tying-up game. My trotters had been tied to each other, then to my body and then to the chair. I felt my extremities begin to go numb as the ropes constricted the flow of blood. The only way I was going to free myself was by diligent use of a chainsaw and there didn’t appear to be one conveniently to hand. I had been trussed up more securely than Hannibal Lecter; all I was missing was the hockey mask.
While the goons located a long hose and began running it out of the room and down to the nearest bathroom, I took the opportunity to have a closer look at my surroundings. As I expected, bearing in mind what had just happened to me, the lamp was nowhere to be seen. The room itself was relatively bare. All it contained were a few chairs, a long table and what looked like a drinks cabinet. Considering where Aladdin had kept the lamp, this room was a bit of a surprise. I had expected more hi-tech surveillance and security systems.
A large oval mirror hung from the wall directly opposite me (presumably deliberately, so I could see just how bad I looked). Without going into too much detail, my skin was no longer a fetching shade of pink and the new colouration wasn’t entirely due to bruising. What was left of my Orc costume was sodden and covered in a variety of strange substances that didn’t warrant a more detailed forensic examination.
It looked as though whoever had supplied the plans to Mr Big had led him up the garden path (and into the garden shed whereupon they had hit him across the back of the head with a shovel), as there certainly wasn’t any sign of a lamp here.
Even I couldn’t figure out how to rescue myself from this particular predicament. Apart from the unpleasant experience of being hosed down with cold water, I also had the pleasure of Edna’s interrogation to look forward to – and I was assuming this was going to be a little bit more intense than just having a bright light shone in my eyes while she shouted ‘you will answer the questions’ at me.
I was still looking around the room when the Orcs came back in. From the expression on their faces, it appeared as though they were relishing the thought of hosing me down. Can’t say I blamed them; I was looking forward to a shower myself – albeit a somewhat hotter one than the one I was about to receive.
Grinning at each other, the two henchOrcs lifted the hose, aimed it at me and began to twist the nozzle. I turned away to shield my face and braced myself for the freezing deluge. There was silence, then two loud clangs in quick succession and the sound of the nozzle hitting the ground. After another brief pause this was followed by two more thuds – this time slightly further apart and much heavier. More importantly, I didn’t seem to be getting wet.
I looked around very slowly and not without some trepidation as I had no idea what had just happened. To my utter amazement, both Orcs were lying unconscious on the ground. Standing over them, wielding a large metal leg – presumably borrowed from one of the suits of armour outside – was a very satisfied-looking Jack Horner.
‘Jack,’ I asked, somewhat stunned at this unexpected turn of events, ‘what are you doing here?’
‘Hey Mr Pigg,’ he said cheerfully, ‘I’m rescuing you. I told you you’d need my help.’
‘But how did you find me?’ I asked weakly.
‘C’mon Mr Pigg,’ he replied. ‘You smell very strongly of shi … I mean poo. How difficult do you think it was to find you? I just had to follow my nose. Anyway, you left a trail of muddy footprints all over the building. It was easy.’
‘And you got in how exactly?’
‘Almost as easy. After I followed you here, I just bought a pizza from the takeaway around the corner, stuck a red hat on my head, called to the front door and said I was delivering a super pepperoni to Grazgkh. There’s always a Grazgkh around, it’s the Orc version of Joe.’
And I was supposed to be the detective!
‘Then I just made my way up through the building, following your trail,’ he continued, obviously enjoying himself. ‘These Orcs aren’t too observant, are they? Not one noticed me all the way up. Then I crept up behind those two guys and hit them over the head with this leg.’ He swung it around with some relish. ‘They were so busy with the hose they never heard me.’
‘Good work, Jack,’ I said. ‘Now, can you untie me and we can get the hell out of here before someone discovers I’ve escaped.’
‘Righty-o,’ he replied and went behind me to untangle the spaghetti of knots that bound me to the chair.
After a few minutes I still hadn’t noticed any relieving flow of blood coursing back into my numb trotters.
‘How are things going back there, Jack?’ I asked.
‘Not too good, Mr Pigg,’ Jack replied. ‘I can’t seem to get these knots undone.’
‘Well, try to find something that you can use to cut the ropes,’ I said, scanning the room for anything that might have a sharp edge. ‘But hurry. I’m sure Edna will be back soon, suitably refreshed, smelling very nice and eager to inflict pain.’
Jack began searching the room frantically, shifting bits of furniture aside as he looked for anything that might be used to set me free. As he searched I struggled to loosen the knots but my efforts were as fruitless as his. I could see that he was beginning to panic so I tried to calm him down.
‘Take it easy, Jack. You need to calm down and focus. There must be something here we can use.’
‘But