Sisters Found. Joan Johnston
thought you wanted this. I thought you wanted us to make love. You’ve put it off all this time. I thought you were finally ready.”
She shook her head. “No.” Another breath shuddered out of her. “Not like this.”
“Like what?” he said.
She searched his face, finding it devoid of any emotion. His eyes were shuttered, his features remote. “Do you love me, Jake?”
She was startled by the question. Strangely, she’d never asked it before. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.
“I respect you. I admire you. I think you’ll make a good wife.”
She smiled sadly. “I see.” She waited for him to inquire about her feelings for him. She wasn’t sure what she would have said. But he never asked.
He was a very attractive man. He’d proved he could be faithful to a wife, even though his wife had left him in the end. He was a successful cattle rancher, well-respected in the community. He had a large and loving family. He was perfect husband material.
Amanda just couldn’t seem to embrace the physical part of their relationship. She’d liked his kisses…at first. And aside from one disastrous incident a year ago, he’d never pressed her for more. But she couldn’t seem to get past the barriers that had grown over the three years they’d been engaged.
“I wish I had more experience,” she said lamely. She had slept with only one boy, although slept was the wrong word. Her one experience with sex had been quick and unsatisfying and she’d never wanted to repeat it. She wondered if Jake suspected how naive she was. She’d been putting off the moment when she shared her body with him, telling herself that it was better—for a lot of reasons—to save intimacy for marriage.
But what if she found out after they were married that Jake’s kisses were just as threatening to her peace of mind as they were now?
“I want to have sex…make love…with you, Jake. I just…”
“You don’t have to apologize. I was out of line.”
“No,” she said. “Your touches, your caresses, should be acceptable to—” She stopped herself, realizing that she was admitting that his touches, his caresses, were not in fact acceptable to her. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and looked up at him unhappily. “Are we making a mistake, Jake?”
“I’m no less committed now than the day I asked you to marry me,” he said.
Amanda made a face. “But are we right for each other? Will we be able to live happily ever after?”
Jake rubbed a hand across his nape. “I don’t know,” he said. “What makes a successful marriage? I married for love the first time around and look what happened. You have all the qualities I want in a wife. You must think I’d make a good husband, or you wouldn’t have accepted my proposal. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t be happy together.”
And yet, Amanda thought, she hadn’t yet shared her body with him. Shouldn’t there be some passion between a married couple? Wasn’t that necessary for happiness?
She made herself close the distance between them and tugged on his shirt collar until he lowered his head for her kiss. She opened her mouth slightly, letting her lips rub damply across his, wanting gentleness, wanting…love.
The response she got was satisfyingly carnal. But there was no tenderness. No…love.
She broke the kiss quickly, before he could touch her again. “It’s been a long day,” she said. “I’m really tired.”
“Can I come in with you?” Jake asked.
She knew what he was asking. Was she going to make him wait until their wedding night to consummate this relationship? Was she going to allow this awkwardness to continue between them until the moment she walked down the aisle? Was she ready for a physical relationship with the man who would be her husband in two weeks?
He smiled, his hand gently caressing her cheek and said, “You know, we’re going to have to make it to bed together sometime if we want kids.”
“I don’t want children,” Amanda blurted.
There was no mistaking the shocked look on Jake’s face. His hand dropped away and he said, “Not ever?”
“Not for a while, anyway.”
“How long is a while?” Jake said. “I’m thirty-nine, Amanda. I was hoping to have kids right away, so I’ll be around to enjoy them when they’re grown.”
“I want to wait a few years,” she said. “I want some time to enjoy being a wife before I have to become a mother.” She wanted more freedom. There had been too little of it in her life.
“I can’t believe we never discussed this,” Jake said. “I just assumed…”
“I’m sorry if I’ve surprised you. Does it make a difference?”
“It does to me,” Jake admitted. “Children were a big part of the reason I finally pushed for the wedding. I want to get started on a family.”
Amanda felt a cold dread growing inside her. “I don’t think—”
He pulled her into his arms and rocked her. “Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” he said. “We’ve got a lot of other things going for us. A year or two isn’t going to make that much of a difference.”
Amanda opened her mouth to say she was thinking more like five or six years, but clamped it shut again. Maybe she would change her mind once she was married. Maybe marriage to Jake wouldn’t be the burden she’d been fearing the past few years. Maybe everything would be all right after all.
“Do you still want to get married?” she asked.
“Do you?” he replied.
“I do if you do,” she said.
“Then in two weeks, we’ll be husband and wife,” Jake said as he dropped a kiss on her forehead.
Amanda shivered.
“The sun’s gone,” he said. “You’re cold. You’d better get inside.”
“All right,” she said, stepping back from his embrace.
But she wasn’t cold. Except maybe deep inside, where she didn’t think she would ever be warm. “Good night, Jake,” she said.
“Get some rest,” he urged. “I’ll make some time to see you later this week.”
Then he was gone. And she was alone in her backyard, wondering if she was about to make a terrible mistake.
CHAPTER THREE
FAITH
“THANK YOU, FAITH,” AMANDA SAID as she finished washing the last of the potluck casserole dishes left over from the party and handed it to Faith to dry. “I really appreciate you coming by this morning to help me clean up after the party.”
“It’s my pleasure, Miss Carter. It’s too bad your gazebo got smashed to smithereens,” she said as she stared out the kitchen window. “Cleaning that up is going to take a saw and a wheelbarrow.”
“Not to worry,” Amanda said. “Rabb Whitelaw’s coming over after church to put it back together. Which reminds me, I’d better get a start on his meat loaf and mashed potatoes.”
Faith’s dark eyes went wide. “Rabb Whitelaw’s coming here for lunch?”
Amanda smiled. “It was the only payment he would accept for fixing my gazebo.”
“He really is a nice man, isn’t he, Miss Carter?” Faith said. “And handsome, too.”
“Yes, he is nice,” Amanda agreed. She smiled,