Virgin. Radhika Sanghani
to strangers at parties. All my teenage insecurities came flooding back the second I became the new girl or walked into a room full of people I didn’t know. I put the toilet seat down and sat on top of it. Emma’s flippant remark about me needing more self-confidence drifted into my head. I thought I had ditched the low self-esteem levels that had haunted me through school when I was surrounded by impossibly attractive girls and their boyfriends who hadn’t ever fancied me, but I clearly hadn’t. I couldn’t even admit I looked good after spending two hours getting ready.
I needed to sort myself out or my entire life was going to pass me by. While I was moping around and wishing someone would shag me, everyone else was moving on and carpe diem–ing. Maybe Lara was right and I should stop blaming my virginity for every problem I had. I sat up straight. I needed to take a leaf out of Emma’s book and get over my teenage bullshit.
I stood up and walked over to the mirror, scrutinising my face. My thick dark hair was not as out of control as I always assumed it was, and fell over my shoulders in acceptable waves. I’d refused Emma’s fake eyelashes but after seeing her with a full set, I had compensated for my short ones by piling on layers of mascara. The result was that I now had long eyelashes, satisfactory hair and an impressive outfit. I gave myself a small smile and started a version of the same self-help speech I’d been giving myself since I was thirteen and saw it in a copy of Just Seventeen magazine.
‘I, Ellie Kolstakis, look amazing. I am a beautiful, confident individual and I can have anything I want. I will go downstairs, I will be amazing and I will be brave. I am incredible.’
I couldn’t help grinning widely after the speech. It worked every time. I didn’t care how lame, clichéd or romcom it was—the self–pep talk was a tried-and-tested method. It had a good success rate for a reason and I was damned if I was going to miss out on it. I winked and pouted at myself in the mirror until I realised how ridiculous I was and quickly left the bathroom. I shut the door and found myself face-to-face with my all-time favourite person.
‘Oh my God, Ellie,’ said Hannah Fielding, who had swapped the flowers round her head for a piece of fabric tied into a bow. ‘I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve never seen you at one of Meely’s parties before.’
‘Yeah, well, I don’t really know, erm, Amelia very well, but I’m here with Emma. In fact, I should probably find her—I’ve been ages.’
‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting ages. I could have sworn I heard you speaking to someone in there.’
I shrugged my shoulders and held out my phone weakly. ‘I took a phone call while I was in there. Anyway, so good to see you. I’ll see you later, I’m sure.’
I turned and bolted down the stairs before she could say anything else. I put my head into my hands, wanting to curl up in a corner, but then I saw Emma. I was still on the staircase, so she couldn’t see me from my vantage point but I saw her walk over to a very attractive guy and start talking to him. At first he just looked pleasantly surprised, but within seconds his body language suggested he was interested. OK, I understated—he looked as though he was ready to throw her over a banister and shag her immediately.
How did Emma find it so easy? She didn’t even let people like Hannah bother her. I trudged down the rest of the stairs, suddenly feeling the effects of my motivational speech slowly ebbing away. I poured myself a glass of vodka with a few drips of orange juice.
I was gagging after my first sip when I saw a guy standing in the corner of the room on his own, his arms crossed. He wasn’t very attractive—his face was kind of squashed-looking and he was very pale and freckly. On top of that, he looked pissed off. He was wearing a dark red zip-up hoody and had a book poking out of his pocket.
He looked like a pretentious idiot. The perfect guy on whom I could practise my confident new persona.
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