The London-Bawd: With Her Character and Life. Unknown
and found he might have any Kindness from her which he had a mind to, for asking; but the other seeing him ingross the wench to himself, began to Storm, and Knock, and Call, at a strange rate; upon which the man of the House came up presently, and desir'd to know what was the matter? Why you Impudent Rascal, says he, have you but one Whore in the House, that you make me thus stand empty-handed, like a Jack-a-napes, while my Companion's trading with the other? The Pimp seeing the Man in such a Passion, Good Sir, says he be pacify'd, and I'll go down and sent up my own Wife to wait upon ye: Which he did accordingly.—Those that are called Pandars, are in a strict sense such as keep always within doors, and have the management of matters in the House. These, are they that bring the Rogues, and Whores together, and wait upon them whilst they are acting of their filthiness.
These Brethren in iniquity with the rest of the Bawdy-house Crew, were in a hot Dispute about Priority, every one striving to be chief: And what their several Arguments were, I shall next give you an Account of; and afterwards shew you more of their Pranks. The first that stood upon her Pantables, as being chief, was the Whore, and thus it was she manag'd her Cause.
Whore. That I ought to take place of the rest, is what none can without Impudence and great Injustice deny me: For 'tis I that bring in all your Livings, 'tis I that venture my Carcase, nay, that venture my Soul too; and all to get an honest livelihood. Yes Mr. Pimp, for all your sneering, I say an honest livelihood; for I cheat no body, but pay for what I have, and make use of nothing but what's my own, and that no body can hinder me from. And I think 'tis better for me, and less hazardous, to get my living by my Tail, then to turn Thief and steal from other Folks. Besides, I'll suffer nobody to have to do with me, but What I like; nor lie with any but whom I love; I make no Price with any Man; but take what they freely give; and therefore I can't properly be said to be a Whore, for Whores are they that trade for Hire and make Bargains before-hand, which I never do. And therefore seeing I maintain you all, you ought to acknowledge me to be the cheif, and give me the Preheminence; for you all live by the Blood that runs in my Veins; for did not my Beauty invite Men, and my Embraces please 'em, you cou'dn't all of you get water to wash your hands, but wou'd be as poor as so many Church-Mice.
To this the Pimp thus replyed.
Pimp. Your run too fast, Mrs Minx, and are a little too Confident: For tho 'tis my place to attend, yet 'tis I that give a Credit and Reputation to all you do; I walk along the Streets so boldly, and so spruce, and so all-to-be-sented with sweet Powder, cocking my Beaver and looking big, that I make the greatest Gallant I meet give me the Wall, as if I were a Person of Quality; And when any comes hither they are won by my complemental and genteel Discourse; my comely presence brings in many a Guest into the House, besides particular Acquaintance: So that I may well affirm I am the Prop of the House. If I didn't introduce Gentleman into your Company, I wonder what you'd do; you might e'en sit still, and be forc'd to make use of a Dildo, before any Body would come to you if it wan't for me.
This Speech of the Pimp, stirr'd up the Fury of the Pander, who with a great deal of heat made him this Answer.
Pander. Thou prating Cockscomb of a Pimp! Do'st think that I'm an Underling to thee! No I'd have you to know I'm above thee: We'll quickly try which is the most useful. An't I intrusted with all the Gentlemens Secrets; Don't I keep the Door? Nay, been't I the Overseer of all? Sure then I must be the better Man. Besides, I suit the Wenches with such Gallants as are of their own Complexions, and are the best liking to 'em; and in all difficult Cases which happen, they still ask my advice, for giving which, I often get a double Fee. And if I stay at home, 'tis only to make an Ass of thee whilst thou'rt abroad; for where thou get'st one Shilling a Broad, I get Five at Home. If I shou'd go away, I am sure the Custom wou'd quickly drop off; for I am the Person most respected by the Customers, and therefore I think I have the best Title of you all to Preheminence.
Old Mother Damnable the Bawd having stood by all this while, and heard all their Allegations, at last broke forth into a very great Laughter; and after having given vent to her Risible Faculty, made em' this Answer.
Bawd. I can't chuse but laugh to hear the Fools prate about Preheminence: They would all fain be Masters, and yet they know they are but all my Servants; they make their Boast, of this and that, and talk of their great gains: and forget that I rule the Roast, and that both their gains and their very being here, depends upon my Pleasure: Pray Gentlemen, whose House is this? I hope you look upon the House to be mine, and I am sure I bought the Furniture. And yet you talk as if I had nothing to do here; whereas you might all have gone a Begging before now, if I had not took you into my Service. And you, Mrs. Minx because you're a little handsome, you begin to grow Proud and don't consider that if I had'nt prefer'd you to the Station you are in, you must have been a Scullion-Wench, or gone to washing and Scowring: Was'nt it I that bought you those fine Cloths, put you into the Equipage you are in? Alas you were but a meer Novice in sinning till I put you into the way, and taught you. You have forgot how bashful you were at first, and how much ado I had to bring you to let a Gentleman take you by the Tu quoque. And now I have brought you to something, that you can get your own living, you begin to slite me.—And you Mr. Pimp. wa'n't you a pitiful Rogue, till I took you into my Service? Pray who would have regarded you in those Rags I found you in? And now I have put you into a good Garb, and made a man of you, you wou'd fain be my Master, I warrant ye! But I'll take care to hinder that; and if you don't know your self, I do. Nay, there's your Brother Pander too, is e'en as bad, and can't tell when he's well; Because I allow him the vails belonging to his Place, he fancies himself a Master too, and wou'd have all be rul'd by his advice: But I shall make you know there's two words to that Bargain. I think I shou'd know what belongs so such a House better than any of you all. I was brought up to't when I was young: and spent my young days in Love my self; but being disabled by Age and Weakness, I had that Affection for the Trade, that I entertain'd others to carry it on; bringing 'em up to my hand with much care; and therefore surely I must needs have more experience in it than another: and if you won't acknowledge me to be the chief, and Mistress of you all, I'll make you.
The old Bawd having made an End, and put to Silence all the other Boasts, there was a young Prodigal Spark that had wasted a fair Estate in being a Customer to her House, thought he had now a fit opportunity to put her in Mind of his own Merits, and therefore thus began.
Prodigal. I perceive you are all very ambitious of having the Preheminence; but to be plain with you, there's no body deserves it but my self: For talk what you will, it is but prating to no purpose. You know the old Prover, Talk is but Talk, but 'tis Money buys Land; and I am sure 'twas only for Money to supply you withal, that I have sold mine. And therefore when you have all said what you can, what wou'd you all do, if I didn't help you to Money? If I and such as I forsake your House, you may go Hang your selves. 'Tis I that Satisfies the Whore, and pay the Fees of both the Pimp and Pander. And for you, Mrs. Bawd, what'er your layings out are, your comings in are chiefly from my hands; for you have neither House nor Lands to secure you; but 'tis upon my Purse, that you depend; and I am he that keeps you all alive. And since I am at all this cost, it is just that it should be acknowledged, and that you all should own me for your Master. Your own Interest speaks for me, and therefore I need say the less.
The Prodigal having made an end, they all agreed that it was best for them to hang together, since their Interest was all the same: And therefore each of them should keep their several Stations; and acknowledge the Bawd for their Mistress, and the young Spend-Thrift for their Benefactor.
CHAP. III
How a Young Woman, by the help of an Old Bawd, Enjoy'd her Lover and Deceiv'd her Husband.
Having already given you the Character of a Bawd, and shown you her Plea for Preheminence in the Art of Wickedness, I now come to shew you by what famous Atcheivements she comes to deserve it. And when you have seen her cunning in Contriving, and her Patience in Suffering; you must readily acknowledge she is one that spares no Pains to be Superlatively Wicked.
In the West of England there lived not long since an Ancient Gentleman to whom Providence had been very propitious, in blessing him with a fair Estate, so that he wanted for no outward Accommodations that might make his Life as happy as he cou'd desire: This Gentleman, being an Old Batchelor, had more Wealth than Wisdom, and Desire