Moody Bitches: The Truth about the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having and What’s Really Making You Crazy.... Julie Holland
href="#litres_trial_promo">Increased levels of these two chemicals are seen in laboratory animals striking a sexually inviting pose known as lordosis. Arching the back and sticking the butt up in the air makes it easier for rear-entry penetration. There may be a human equivalent of lordosis, seen in the posture created by high heels, or, more obviously, in Miley Cyrus’s twerking.
Add to the cocainelike mix of dopamine and norepinephrine a healthy shot of endorphins, our naturally circulating opiates, nature’s painkillers and stress relievers. So falling in love is pharmacologically a bit like a speedball, the combination of cocaine and heroin. But there’s more, because experiencing intense infatuation, and especially love at first sight, is like taking a psychedelic drug, too. Phenylethylamine (PEA), sometimes dubbed the “molecule of attraction,” floods the brain when the initial magnetism occurs. PEA is responsible for some of the dreaminess and giddiness when first falling in love. It may underlie love at first sight, and it’s likely present in your brain during that all-important first kiss. Phenylethylamines naturally occur in your brain, but they’re also found in a group of drugs that includes ecstasy (MDMA) and some hallucinogens. PEA also kills appetite and can work as a short-term antidepressant. It is present in good chocolates, and it may also spike during orgasm, causing that trippy, out-of-body feeling that some women are lucky enough to experience.
With all of these stimulating chemicals bathing the brain, it’s no wonder many women who fall in love find it easier to lose weight and exercise and harder to fall asleep at night. One thing I’ve noticed repeatedly: when my patients fall in love, they can more easily go off their antidepressants and quit me. I can’t devise a medication cocktail that can compete with what your brain will concoct in the early glow of a relationship. In fact, there are those who so enjoy the brain chemistry of the infatuation phase that they become serial attraction junkies. They fall in love, stay high for three to six months, and when the magic fades they move on.
There are other chemical players on the team during the initial attraction phase. The levels of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen are higher when falling in love. They enhance sexual desire and receptivity, respectively. Estrogen and progesterone both enhance the love/trust circuits, so as long as you’re not in PMS land, you may be more open to loving and nurturing behavior. But in terms of being horny, it’s all about testosterone. Men and women with higher levels of circulating testosterone engage in more frequent sex and have more orgasms. Men who inject testosterone (for performance enhancement on the athletic field or on Wall Street) experience more sexual thoughts and more morning erections and have more sex. But they don’t necessarily fall in love.
When women fall in love, increased dopamine levels can enhance testosterone levels. Also, inhaling male pheromones can trigger testosterone release in a receptive woman. Just thinking about your new guy can raise your levels. Interestingly, men who are falling in love have slightly lower levels of testosterone than usual, perhaps so they don’t scare off their new mate with how horny they typically are the rest of the time! So while we fall in love, women’s testosterone levels bump while men’s dip, which may give us a chemically unifying feeling that we’re in this experience together, and we are evenly matched in terms of libido.
How all of this works when gay men or lesbians form lasting unions is hard to fully address, mostly because there’s a lot less research in this area. Obviously, same-sex couples can and do create healthy, loving unions and families. Their brains give them the same pleasurable, heady mixes when they become infatuated, fall in love, and form binding attachments, proof that what brings us together is about more than just procreating.
Hugs, Not Drugs
Oxytocin makes you feel great. Do you know that ultrarelaxed feeling you get when you hold your baby? How about the bliss after you’ve just had orgasmic sex and are being held closely? That’s oxytocin, the hormone of bonding and of trust. A twenty-second hug will trigger oxytocin release, as will exchanges of friendly signals, like being smiled at and returning the grin. Think of oxy as superglue for your relationship. It cements a nursing mother and her child, and it bonds lovers from the first time their eyes lock across a crowded room. Holding hands, kissing, and sex will all get your oxy levels zooming. Smiling babies and hugs with boyfriends activate not only oxytocin release but also dopamine-associated brain reward circuits, encouraging us to keep doing it. In that way, you could say that oxytocin makes you crave even more physical contact. Oxytocin helps to protect us against stress and promote relaxation. There are even some studies showing it can help to speed healing. So hugging, cuddling, and orgasmic sex are good for not just your heart and soul but your body as well.
Women have more oxytocin receptors in their brains, and oxytocin works better in an environment rich with estrogen. So you may be more likely to connect and fall in love during the first half of your cycle, before estrogen levels drop. Oxytocin, in both men and women, creates feelings of trust, connection, and contentment around the preferred partner. Oxytocin reduces heart rate and blood pressure, enabling social bonding and trusting behaviors. A sense of calm and security quiets the typical fear of strangers, allowing more generosity. In experiments, people given oxytocin are more willing to trust a stranger or give them money. That may be the reason why people who are touched while spoken to are more likely to honor a request or keep a promise. It also may be why falling in love can be dangerous for some. I had a patient who lent way too much money to a new boyfriend who later disappeared.
Infatuation overrides rational thought. At higher levels of oxytocin, you may become forgetful, and your ability to think clearly may be diminished. Falling in love squelches anxiety and skepticism. Oxy, in particular, seems to be crucial for inhibiting fear and anxiety, allowing bonding and sex to occur. When people fall in love, their fear circuitry gets turned way down, so the critical thinking system (anterior cingulate cortex) and the fear center (amygdala) are less active. The brain’s Miracle-Gro fertilizer, a nerve growth factor called brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), which helps to foster new connections between nerve cells, is elevated in people who’ve fallen in love, triggering a massive neuronal reorganization. (Remember BDNF, because you’re going to be learning about it again. Neuroplasticity is involved in pregnancy, perimenopause, and exercise, and it’s important.) Tons of brain cells have to be “obliterated and replaced with new ones. This is one reason falling in love feels . . . like a loss of identity.” Is all of this dangerous? Probably not, but it’s good to keep your wits about you when falling in love. You’re not in your typically critical “right mind.” You’re not even yourself!
You’re My Obsession
Ask my husband about how we met and he’ll say he’s never been pursued by anyone more aggressively in his life. Ask me, and I’ll tell you about love at first sight. I remember every moment of that party where I set my eyes on him. I had to lock myself in the bathroom to calm down my breathing and pounding heartbeat (norepinephrine in action). In the days that followed, I would check countless times to see if he’d contacted me. All day long, I could think of nothing but him, Him, HIM.
It’s normal, it’s nature’s way, and it’s likely that lower than normal serotonin levels were underlying my obsessive thoughts and activities. When serotonin levels are high, there is a sense of satiety; you want for