Raising Boys: Why Boys are Different – and How to Help them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men. Steve Biddulph
The father’s job is to progressively step up his involvement. If there is no father around, then the child depends more on finding other men – at school, for instance.
PRACTICAL HELP
WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE A SINGLE MOTHER
For thousands of years, single mothers have needed to raise boys without a man in the house. And more often than not, these boys have turned out just great. Please take this on board right away – mums on their own can raise fine men.
Over the years I have interviewed mothers who did this, to find out their secret. Successful single mothers of sons always give the same advice. Firstly, they found good male role models, calling in help from uncles, good friends, schoolteachers, sports coaches, youth leaders and so on (choosing with care to guard against the risk of sexual abuse). A boy needs to know what a good man looks like. If caring men are involved enough, and over a sufficiently long period of time, this provides that one missing thing a mother can’t give – a male example to copy. If there are one or two good men who know and care about your son, it makes a huge difference. (It’s the same if you are in a two-mother family, raising a boy. There will be men in your social circle who are the kind of man you would want your son to emulate. Ask them to get involved.)
Single mums can also comfort themselves that, after all, many boys with dads only see them for basically a few minutes a day. Whatever you do, don’t marry some deadbeat just so your son can have a man in the house!
Part of the survival kit of single mothers is the network(s) of good men in their community. If you are a dad, your son will certainly have friends who don’t have a dad present or whose dad is not very involved. Think about inviting that boy when you plan a trip to a concert, the beach, a sports game or a weekend away with your own son. His mum will be so appreciative, though she would never have asked for this, not wanting to impose. (She may be a little cautious, so perhaps don’t start with a nine-day wilderness trek.)
Single parents need to be networked. Being involved in a community group, church, sporting or hobby group, extended family, or just a neighbourhood where kids are loved and valued is a natural way to provide other good adult role models and people to bounce off, especially in adolescence.
There’s one more thing. All the successful single parents I’ve known also recognised they needed to be kind to themselves, and not become long-suffering martyrs. (Martyrdom is like yoghurt: it has a shelf life of maybe two weeks, then it tends to go kind of sour!) Single parents who did well planned into their lives a massage, a game of racquetball, a yoga class, or just time vegging out watching television when the children were asleep – and they kept this commitment to their own wellbeing. (For more help on single parenting, see here.)
PRACTICAL HELP
FIVE FATHERING ESSENTIALS
All fathers have one thing in common: they would like to be good dads. The problem is, if we weren’t given great fathering ourselves, and many of us weren’t, how do you turn good intentions into action? What if you just never got the ‘software’? The best way is to hang around other men and learn from what they do, see what you would copy and what you would never repeat! From talking to hundreds of men, here are five basic clues.
1 Start early. Be involved in the pregnancy – talk with your partner about your hopes for the child and your plans and dreams for how you want your family to be. Plan to be at the birth – and stick to the plan! Go to some birth classes, especially those just for fathers, which are being offered more and more. Once your baby is born, get involved in baby care right from the start. Have a speciality. Bathing is good: they are slippery little suckers, but it’s a fun time and a big help. This is the key time for relationship-building. Caring for a baby ‘primes’ you hormonally and alters your life priorities. So beware! Fathers who care for babies physically start to get fascinated and very in tune with them – it’s called ‘engrossment’. Men can become the expert at getting babies back to sleep in the middle of the night – walking them, bouncing, singing gently, or whatever works for you! Don’t settle for being useless around babies – keep at it, get support and advice from the baby’s mother and other experienced friends. And take pride in your ability. If you have a demanding career, use your weekends or holidays to get immersed in your child. From when your child is two, encourage your partner to go away for the weekend with her girlfriends and leave you and your toddler alone, so that both you and she know you are capable and can ‘do it all’. Try to clean up before she gets home – this really impresses spouses.
2 Make time. This is the bottom line, so listen closely. For fathers, this may be the most important sentence in this whole book: if you routinely work a fifty-five- or sixty-hour week, including commute times, you just won’t cut it as a dad. Your sons will have problems in life, your daughters will have self-esteem issues, and it will be down to you. Fathers need to get home in time to play, laugh, teach and tickle their children. Corporate life, and also small business, can be enemies of the family. Often fathers find the answer is to accept a lower income and be around their family more. Next time you’re offered a promotion involving longer hours and more nights away from home, seriously consider telling your boss, ‘Sorry, my kids come first.’
3 Show your love. Hugging, holding and playing tickling and wrestling games can take place right through to adulthood! Do gentler things, too – kids respond to quiet storytelling, sitting together, singing or playing music. Tell your kids how great, beautiful, creative and intelligent they are (often, and with feeling). If your parents were not demonstrative, you will just have to learn. Some dads fear that cuddling their son will turn him into a ‘sissy’. In fact, the reverse is probably true. Sons whose dads are affectionate and playful with them will be closer to their fathers, want to emulate them more, and be comfortable in the company of men. For both sons and daughters, a dad’s affection is vital. A child can’t understand that you work long hours, worry over tax forms or scrimp and save for his future, because that’s not something he can see or touch. Kids know they are loved through touch and eye contact and laughter and fun. Affection is reassuring – it conveys love in a way that words cannot. Children who are hugged and kissed feel safer in the world, and when Dad does it too, they are doubly secure.
4 Lighten up. Enjoy your kids. Being with them out of guilt or obligation is second-rate – they sense you are not really there in spirit. Experiment to find those activities that you both enjoy. Take the pressure to achieve off your kids: when you play a sport or game, don’t get into too much heavy coaching or competition. Remember to laugh and muck about. Only enrol them in one, or at most two organised sports or activities, so they have time to just ‘be’. Reduce racing-around time, and devote it instead to walks, games and conversations. Avoid over-competitiveness in any activity beyond what is good fun. Teach your kids, continuously, everything you know.8
5 Heavy down. Some fathers today are lightweight ‘good-time’ dads who leave all the hard stuff to their partners. After a while of this, these partners start to say, ‘I have three kids, and one of them is my husband.’ There is an unmistakable indicator for this – when your sex life declines badly!Get involved in the decisions and discussions in the kitchen, help to supervise homework and housework. Develop ways of discipline that are calm but definite. Don’t hit – although with young children you may have to gently hold and restrain them from time to time. Don’t shout if you can help it. Aim to be the person who stays calm, keeps things on track, and pushes the discussion on about how to solve behaviour problems. You are your children’s guide. through your clarity, focus and experience, not through being bigger and meaner. Do listen to your kids, and take their feelings into account.Talk with your partner about the big picture: ‘How are we doing overall? What changes are needed?’ Parenting as a team can add a new bond between you and your partner. Check with your partner if you are stuck or don’t know how to react. You don’t have to have all the answers – no one does. Parenthood is about making mistakes, fixing them, and moving right along.
In Short
All through the primary school years and into mid-high school, boys should spend a lot of time