Wrong Knickers for a Wednesday: A funny novel about learning to love yourself. Paige Nick
I cover my mouth as a hiccup slips out.
‘Let everyone know we’re shuffling the line-up. Cher’s gone on one set early, in Rihanna’s place. Everyone else has to bump up one position on the set list. And don’t forget to tell Angelo, although he’s probably realised by now,’ Dania says, her voice clipped and in charge. ‘Cher has to be doing “Diamonds”. Would you have imagined that, dahlink? And we’ll need some clean-up in here.’
‘Yes, sweetie,’ David says, scurrying off, speaking urgently into the headset.
‘I’m really sorry, Dania. I’m sure it’s just all this travelling and first-night jitters,’ I say. I don’t add, ‘and the marijuana brownie and all that Jägermeister and the fact that I’m supposed to take my top off on stage.’ Dania would probably kill me with her bare hands. She has the Pilates arms for it. This is a full-scale DEFCON 1 disaster.
‘When you eat as much as you probably do, these things are bound to happen,’ comes Marilyn’s light, breathy voice from across the dressing-room. I catch the bitchy smirk on the reflection of her face in her mirror as she applies more lipstick.
‘I hope it’s nothing serious,’ Dania says.
‘You don’t look so good,’ Jennifer Lopez adds.
Thanks for the newsflash, I think. But bite my tongue.
‘Do you think you can make it back to the house by yourself, or do you need Marilyn to help you?’ Dania asks.
I catch Marilyn flinching in her mirror.
‘But … but … I can’t babysit her; I’m going on in thirty minutes. I need to prepare for my performance,’ she complains, in full diva mode.
‘I’ll be fine, thank you, I can make it on my own,’ I say with dignity. Even though I’m not at all sure I’ll be able to find the house alone. But the last thing I want is Marilyn’s reluctant help. And I need time to process what I’ve seen and figure out how I’m going to deal with it. And of course I need sleep. Preferably hours and days and decades of sleep. Oblivion would be welcome. I feel disgusting, and my throat burns from vomiting.
‘How’s she doing?’ David asks, popping his head back around the door.
‘She’ll be okay. Poor kära, she’s just not feeling herself,’ Dania says.
My stomach roils again. If she only knew how true that was.
*
> NATALIE! Are you there?
> Hi Gracie
> You’re not going to believe this. It’s an effing strip club!
> Think of it more like a revue club, or upmarket caberay or burlesk show
> You knew!!!??
> Its not such a big deal
> Madonna stripped and danced on a pole! It’s a huge deal!!!
> u always overreact. It’s only showing ur boobs
> I’m supposed to take my clothes off! On stage in front of an audience! How can I be overreacting?
> dont b such a prude it’s only down to ur panties
> I’m turning my life upside down, lying to my fiancé, doing you a massive favour and all you do is lie to me and insult me.
> Just chill ok Grace. I’ve spent the last 6 years doing u faves & never asked 4 a single thing til now. And I’m not insulting u, cos it’s true. Uv even admitted it, u r a bit uptight
> This is ridiculous! I’m coming home on the first flight tomorrow.
> u can’t Grace ive already signed up for the college course & paid the deposit, if u quit I’ll have to drop out AND lose all the $
> We can get the money another way, Natalie!
> How? Lottery? Rob a bank? Sell a kidney! U dnt think I’ve thought of evthing? I wld b there myself if it wasn’t for this fucking broken leg. Cant dance on crutches!!! It’s just your boobs Grace … in exchange for my whole future. Not such a big deal
> … Grace u still there?
> … Oh come on, talk 2 me, Grace. the timing is so good 4 this. The rand is tanked. u dnt even hav 2 make that much. Just a few grand, the exchange rate will sort out the rest. I’m your sister, I need this … Grace, srsly its not that bad. Try it, ull see. It’s like singing in shower
> Natalie, tell me you haven’t been stripping …
> God ur so judgemental!!
> OMG you’ve been stripping!!!! I thought you were a buyer at Zara?
> I am, the other week i bought a really gr8 dress there
> It’s not funny! Oh my goodness Nat. All this time? Why didn’t you tell me?
> Oh pls, knew u wld have a shitfit. I like it & money is gr8. Nyway we needed it. How do u think I paid off all that debt dad left when they died? U think I made that much $ working as a sales lady in a clothes store when I was 17? Ha! And where did you think I was all nite every nite?
> I don’t know. I was just a kid. You said you were at your boyfriend’s house, I believed you. You could have done something else.
> What? Flipped burgers for minimum wage? Gr8 id still be paying for their funeral now. & wat about ur school fees, choir camp, books & uniforms? They weren’t free u kno
> You could have at least warned me what I was getting into here.
> u wldnt have gone
> To help you, of course I would have.
> No u wouldn’t if ud known cos u such a prude
> No I probably wouldn’t. But I would have made another plan. What if Lucas finds out? I can’t do this Nat. I have to come home. We’ll work it out. We’ll sell mom’s ring, something.
> I knew I cldn’t count on u!
> That’s not fair. You can’t expect me to do this.
> typical, miss perfect!!!
> Eff you Natalie!
> Dnt worry im pretty fucked already!
*
> How’s ur first night going sugar plum?
> Hi Lucas. Fine. Great. Amazing.
> I’m so glad. What u have for supper?
> Bunch of us went to a coffee shop.
> A marijuana coffee shop?
> Yes.
> U didn’t …?
> No of course not.
> I knew u wouldn’t. I trust u. My future wife and the best person I know in the world would never do that
> I miss