Morrissey’s Perfect Pint. Richard Fox
too good to be true? The latest craze in some European spas is sitting in a tub of beer for half an hour. Beer contains a vitamin B complex that is great for the skin, apparently. And the hops in beer relax the body.
2. Washing hair
Are you having trouble with your runaway barnet? Washing your hair with beer will make it softer and give it more body. Every bloke’s dream when you think about it. ‘What’s that smell?’ ‘Oh, I’ve been washing my hair.’ Even works for slapheads, but remember to keep your mouth open.
3. Fire extinguisher
OK – not a REAL one. And definitely not electrical fires – shocking. But give it a shake and it will put out small fires. Like from the grill. ‘Which is why we should keep some in the fridge at all times, darling.’
4. Lawn care
Get rid of those brown spots – spray them with beer! The fermented sugars in ale kill fungi. So when you spill a can while sitting in the garden you’re ‘conditioning the lawn’.
5. Loosen rusty bolts
‘Why are you out here in the garage drinking again?’ ‘Drinking? I’m applying beer to these bike parts, because the carbonation will get rid of the rust. When that’s done I’ll cycle to the offie for more of this wonder cure!’
6. Stop snoring
Simply put a can in a sock and attach it to the back of a T-shirt with a safety pin. Put on before staggering to bed. The can will stop you sleeping on your back, which will reduce your nocturnal emissions. Well some of them. And use a can, not a bottle. No, I’m not nagging you. Well, if you’d only listen.
7. Mouse killer
It’s best to use ‘Value Lager’ for this. Fill a bucket about a third of the way up and lean a piece of wood against the side, so the mice can climb to the top, sniff the beer and jump in. Still a spectator sport in some parts of Eastern Europe, we’re told.
8. Getting rid of a kidney stone
Nasty little buggers, kidney stones. Still, if you’ve got one, beer can open up the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder, making it easier to pass. Cranberry juice works well too, but have you tasted it? Also alcohol numbs the pain. Doesn’t it just?
9. Calming a (mild) stomach-ache
This is great. The carbonated beer will help settle your stomach and the alcohol content reduces any pain. Beer – the cure to all our problems!
10. Scale fish
Attach four bottle tops to a piece of wood so the lips are facing out. Scrape the fish, but away from you if you don’t want to end up looking like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
11. Marinate meat
Next time your Better Half is soaking some meat in dry white wine, soak yours in some gutsy beer. They both tenderise the meat, but we know which one will taste better.
12. Polishing furniture
Rub your wooden furniture with a cloth soaked in flat beer. It will polish it and make it look like new. Another good one if caught armed with ale in the garden at ‘Beer Zero’ time (Drinktionary, page 72).
Let’s face it, the primary purpose of beer is to induce pleasures of many kinds. But let’s not forget that these pleasures bring perils to the poor human body. Everything has a cost (even if you’re only 20 and haven’t found that out yet – look at your dad). Remember, moderation in all things is wise and, if you can’t quite manage it, then these are some of the consequences. Let’s take a scientific look at:
Farting – beer does unblock the old wind tunnel. When they introduced the smoking ban in Scotland, certain things became apparent that had long been hidden. One man was barred from a pub because of his stinky bottom burps. It turns out that he’d been sitting in the same pub for over ten years, night after night, producing noxious odours, but no one had noticed because of the smell of smoke. On his way out of the pub, some of the following phrases may have been shouted after him – all of them in the best possible taste.
Cut the cheese • Crack a rat • Step on a duck Stink burger • Ass blaster • Toilet tune Silent but deadly • Poop gas • Steamer • Rip one Let one fly • Uncorked symphony • Let one go Backdoor breeze • Pop a fluffy • Kill the canary Gas attack • Jockey burner • Cut loose • Nose death Backfire • Stink bomb • Gas blaster • Odorama Bun shaker • Tail wind • Sphincter song Lethal cloud • Crowd splitter • Bean blower Moon gas • What the dog did • Burnin’ rubber Anal volcano • Foul howl • Fog slicer • Odour bubble • Air bagel • Roast the jockeys Squeak one out • Gas master • Spit a brick • Lay a wind loaf The toothless one speaks
Tackle issues – we all think we’re God’s Gift after a certain point in the evening (see The beer drinker’s guide to romance and seduction page 57), but, let’s face it, the beer can do bad things to your ladies’ friend. If you break the ten-pint barrier, you may find yourself:
Singing with Flacido Domingo Sticking spaghetti in the parking meter Giving coin to the fuck beggar In the county of Wiltshire Limping with intent Taking the gold at the flaccid Olympics Lighting a damp firework Trying to wake Sleeping Beauty without a kiss Starring in Deadwood In the cold meats’ section With Ascension Deficit Disorder Welcomed to Flaccid City. Population: You Trying to fill a cone with Mister Softee Turning off the lights before the party At Viagra Falls Getting fanny fright In possession of a Vegan erection Graduating from Limp Dick University with honours With soggy cashew nut syndrome
Gentlemen’s toilet – there’s a rule that has to be observed early on in a sesh: take as long as possible before you ‘break the seal’. As soon as you go once, you’ll not stop all night. Best to cross your legs and hang on to your water, then you’ll have more beer time.
Skin – if you drink a lot of beer your body dehydrates, which is great for giving you that rugged, craggy, sunburnt look that is apparently such a hit with the ladies …
Brain – turns to mush. You think you’re a suave, seductive genius while actually you’re shouting loudly about pants and dribbling from the side of your mouth. In the morning, your brain will be twice its natural size and screaming to get out of your skull – welcome to Hangover Land; just turn right after The Top Shelf (see Drinktionary, page 72).
Legs – aside from the immediate ‘legs made of overcooked pasta’ display as you leave the pub, long-term heavy drinking can give you GOUT. If you thought that was a disease that, like smallpox, was killed