Everyone Worth Knowing. Lauren Weisberger
nap beside me, her little body pushed against the side of my leg, rising and falling with her rhythmic breathing, in tune to the TV that I constantly kept on for background noise. After Newlyweds, I stumbled across a Queer Eye marathon. Carson picked through some straight guy’s closet with a pair of salad tongs, describing items as ‘So Gap ‘87,’ and I realized they’d probably be just as horrified to check out my closet – as a girl, I was probably expected to do a little better than the off-the-rack Ann Taylor suits, one measly pair of Sevens, and the cotton tank tops that constituted my ‘going out’ clothes.
The phone rang a little after eleven P.M. I held it and stared, patiently waiting for the caller ID to register my caller. Uncle Will: to screen or not to screen? He always called at odd hours on his deadline nights, but I was too exhausted from my day of nothingness to deal with him. I stared at it a moment longer, too lazy to make any real decision, but the machine had already answered.
‘Oh, Bette, pick up the goddamn phone,’ Will said into the machine. ‘I find this caller-revealing feature highly offensive. At least have the savoir faire to brush me off once we’re mid-conversation – anyone can look at a little computer screen and decide not to answer; the impressive accomplishment is extricating yourself from the real-time situation of actually speaking with the person.’ He sighed. I laughed.
‘Sorry, sorry, I was in the shower,’ I lied.
‘Sure you were, darling. In the shower at eleven P.M., just getting ready to go out for the night, huh?’ he teased.
‘Would that be so hard to believe? I have gone out before, you know. Penelope’s party? Bungalow 8? The only person in the Western Hemisphere who didn’t know where it was? Any of this ringing a bell for you?’ I took another bite of my Slim Jim, a snack I’d been inhaling since I’d discovered how much they horrified my parents.
‘Bette, that was so long ago I barely remember it,’ he pointed out thoughtfully. ‘Look, darling, I didn’t call to give you a hard time again, although I fail to see any reason why an attractive girl your age should be sitting home alone at eleven on a Thursday night, chewing imitation meat sticks and talking to a five-pound dog, but that’s neither here nor there. I just had the most brilliant idea of all. Do you have a minute?’
We both snorted. I clearly had nothing but. ‘You’ve got it all wrong. I’m talking to a four-pound dog.’
‘Bette, listen to me. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, I’m positively idiotic for not seeing the potential, but tell me, darling, what did you think about Kelly?’
‘Who’s Kelly?’
‘The woman you sat next to at Charlie’s dinner at Elaine’s. So, what do you think?’
‘I don’t know, she seemed really nice. Why?’
‘Why? Darling, you are positively brain-dead these days. What do you think about working for Kelly?’
‘Huh? Who’s working for Kelly? I’m so confused.’
He sighed. ‘Let’s take this slowly. Being that you are currently out of a job and seem to be enjoying that fact a little too much, I was thinking that perhaps you would like to work for Kelly.’
‘Planning parties?’
‘Darling, she does a lot more than just plan parties. She chitchats with club owners and trades on gossip she has about other people’s clients to the columnists so they’ll write good things about her own clients and sends gifts to celebrities to convince them to attend her events so the press will as well – all the while looking very pretty when she goes out every night. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I’d like to see you in event-planning. How does that sound?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I was thinking it might be good to do something, uh, you know, something sort of …’
‘Meaningful?’ he offered, pronouncing the word the same way one might say ‘murderous.’
‘Well, yeah. I mean, not like that, not like the parents,’ I mumbled. ‘But I do have a meeting at the Meals on Wheels headquarters tomorrow. Just a change of pace, you know?’
He was quiet for a moment and I knew he was weighing his words carefully. ‘Darling, that sounds lovely, of course. It’s always sweet to make the world a better place. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you that rerouting your career path in that direction puts you at risk of falling back into your Patchouli Rut. You remember what that was like, don’t you, darling?’
I sighed. ‘I know, I know. It just seemed like it might be interesting.’
‘Well, I can’t necessarily say that planning parties would be as interesting as helping the needy, but it would be a hell of a lot more fun. And that, darling, is not a crime. Kelly’s company is new, but easily one of the best – boutique-y, very impressive client list, and a great place to meet all sorts of wildly shallow and self-involved people and get the hell out of that hole in which you’ve recently sequestered yourself. Are you interested?’
‘I don’t know. Can I think about it?’
‘Of course you may, darling. I’ll give you twenty-four hours to debate all the pros and cons of accepting a job where you can party for a living. I expect you’ll make the right decision.’ He clicked down the receiver before I could say another word.
I went to sleep late that night and spent the entire next day procrastinating. I played with the puppies at the pet shop on the corner, made a pit stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar, and alphabetized the paperbacks visible in my apartment. Admittedly, I was curious what the job would entail. There was a part of it that seemed really appealing, the chance to meet some new people and not sit at a desk all day long. Years of banking had taught me to be very good with details, and decades of Will-prompted socializing had ensured I could pretty much talk to anyone about anything – and actually seem interested, even if I was crying with boredom inside. I always felt a little awkward, a bit out of place, but I could keep my mouth moving at all costs, which went a long way toward making people think I had some social skills. And of course, the mere thought of printing more résumés and pleading for interviews sounded significantly more dreadful than organizing parties. All of this, combined with the fact that my checking account had just dipped below the minimum required amount, made PR sound like a dream.
I called Will.
‘Okay. I’ll write to Kelly and ask for some more information about what it entails. Can you just give me her email address?’
Will snorted. ‘Her what?’ He refused to buy so much as an answering machine, so a computer was definitely out of the question. He typed all his columns on a clanking typewriter and had one of his assistants key it into Microsoft Word. When it came time for him to edit, he’d stand over her shoulder, press his finger to the computer screen, and command her to delete, add, and expand the text as he watched.
‘The special computer address where I can write her an electronic letter,’ I said slowly.
‘You’re adorable, you really are. Bette, don’t be ridiculous. Why would you need that? I’ll have her call you to set a starting date.’
‘Don’t you think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves, Will? It might be better if I sent her a résumé first, and then if she likes it, we can take it from there. That’s how it usually works, you know.’
‘Yes, I’ve heard that,’ he said, sounding more and more disinterested. ‘Time wasting at its best. You’d be perfect for the job because you’ve honed those banking skills – detail-oriented, anal-retentive, deadline-adherent. And I know she’s a great girl because she used to be my assistant. I’ll just give her a little call and let her know how lucky she’d be to have you. Not a thing to worry about, my dear.’
‘I didn’t know she was your assistant!’ I said, mentally trying to calculate Kelly’s age.
‘Indeed. I had her straight out of college. Hired her as