So Lucky. Dawn O’Porter

So Lucky - Dawn O’Porter


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      SO LUCKY

      Dawn O’Porter

       Copyright

      Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

      1 London Bridge Street

      London SE1 9GF

       www.harpercollins.co.uk

      First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2019

      Copyright © Dawn O’Porter 2019

      Jacket design by Claire Ward © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019

      Jacket photograph © Shutterstock.com

      Dawn O’Porter asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

      A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

      This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

      All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

      Source ISBN: 9780008126070

      Ebook Edition © October 2019 ISBN: 9780008126087

      Version: 2019-09-24

       Dedication

       Dedicated to all the Janes in my life

       Epigraph

      LUCK [n] /:

      Success or failure apparently brought by

      chance rather than through one’s own actions.

      Everyone else is OK

      Everyone else’s life is perfect

      Everyone is talking about me

      Everyone has this figured out except me

      Everyone knows I can’t do this

       We are all SO LUCKY.

       What could we possibly have to complain about?

      Everyone has their shit

      Everyone needs to be kinder to themselves

      Everyone’s in the struggle together

      Everyone isn’t me

      Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about …

       Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

      Copyright

      Dedication

      Epigraph

      Chapter 1

      Chapter 2

      Chapter 3

      Chapter 4

      Chapter 5

      Chapter 6

       Chapter 7

       Chapter 8

       Chapter 9

       Chapter 10

       Chapter 11

       Chapter 12

       Chapter 13

       Chapter 14

       Chapter 15

       Acknowledgements

       Don’t miss the ‘So Lucky’ podcast series

       Keep Reading …

       About the Author

       Also by Dawn O’Porter

       About the Publisher

       1

       Ruby

      My kid moved out the day she was born. For someone like me, becoming a mother was when I thought I’d finally give my whole self to another human without being constrained by the limitations of my condition. I thought my undying love for this little person would be met by her needing me in a way I had never been needed before. But as it turns out, I’m not sure my kid has ever needed me other than in a physical capacity to keep her alive. Being a mother hasn’t been the sweet experience I imagined it to be. In fact, my kid is an asshole. Some might say she gets it from me.

      It’s 7.05 a.m. I am lying on my bed and she’s screaming like she’s being attacked in the next room. She isn’t being attacked, she is fine. She doesn’t sleep in a cot, she knows how to get up. But still, she shouts and screams until I go into her room. Only to tell me to get away from her when I do.

      I didn’t want a girl. I wanted a boy. I have no idea how to teach a girl to love herself. I thought, if I had a boy, then Liam could just take care of that side of things. I also don’t like how manipulative women are. I didn’t realise it started so early.

      I reach for my dressing gown that I keep on the other side of the bed. It’s no substitute for a husband, but at least it’s something to wrap around my body when I wake up in the morning. My dressing gown is one of the few things I adore. It’s a 1970s terry-towelling, full-length, high-necked, long-sleeved Victorian-looking thing that hides almost every inch of my body other than my face and neck. I spent ages looking for the perfect one, nothing modern had the same coverage. It means I can answer the door before I get dressed, should someone come knocking. I often wonder who the woman who owned it before me was, as it came with certain signs of wear and tear. Did she also feel the need to hide herself in her own home? Did she have children who loved her? Did she live a life of self-inflicted solitude? Liam hated this dressing gown, but I saw it as my only option after what he did to me on our wedding day.

      Getting Bonnie dressed every morning is on a par with being in one of those shark cages, and the shark getting into it with you. She kicks me directly in the chest and stomach. She’s bitten me a number of times. She tries to get away, and I have to pull her back and hope to God I don’t dislocate a shoulder or hip.

      I love her, of course. But I don’t love parenting. People tell you not to wish it away. They say I’ll miss her being


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