Festive Fling With The Single Dad. Annie Claydon
She flipped her gaze to him for a moment, and Aksel almost shivered in its warmth. ‘I didn’t mean to pry.’
‘It’s all right. It’s no secret. Just a little difficult to explain.’
‘Ah. I’ll leave it there, then.’
Flora lapsed into silence. ‘Difficult to explain’ didn’t appear to daunt her, she seemed the kind of person who could accept almost anything. He imagined that her patients must find it very easy to confide in her. All their hopes and their most secret despair. Suddenly, he wanted to talk.
‘I didn’t know that I had a daughter until after Mette’s mother died.’
Nothing registered in Flora’s face, but he saw her fingers grip the steering wheel a little tighter. Maybe she was wondering what kind of man hadn’t known about his own daughter. He wouldn’t blame her—he frequently tormented himself with that thought.
‘That must be…challenging.’
Her answer was just the thing a medical professional would say. Non-judgemental, allowing for the possibility of pain and yet assuming nothing. Aksel wanted more than that, he wanted Flora to judge him. If she found him wanting then it would be nothing he hadn’t already accused himself of. And if she found a way to declare him innocent it would mean a great deal to him.
‘What do you think?’ He asked the question as if it didn’t mean much, but felt a quiver deep in the pit of his stomach.
No reaction. But as she changed gear, the car jolted a little, as if it was reflecting her mood.
‘I’d find it very difficult.’
Aksel nodded. Clearly Flora wasn’t going to be persuaded to give an opinion on the matter and maybe that was wise. Maybe he should let it drop.
‘In…lots of ways.’ She murmured the words, as if they might blow up in her face. Flora wanted to know more but she wasn’t going to ask.
‘Lisle and I split up before either of us knew she was pregnant. I was due to go away for a while, I was leading an expedition into the Andes.’ Suddenly his courage failed him. ‘It’s a fascinating place…’
‘I’m sure.’ Her slight frown told Aksel that she wasn’t really interested in one of the largest mountain ranges in the world, its volcanic peaks, the highest navigable lake on the planet or the incredible biodiversity. To her, the wonders of the world were nothing in comparison to the mysteries of the human heart, and she was the kind of woman who trod boldly in that unknown territory.
He took a breath, staring at the road ahead. ‘When I got back, I heard that Lisle had gone to Oslo for a new job. I think that the job might have been an excuse…’
Flora gave a little nod. ‘It does sound that way.’
There was compassion in her voice. Most people questioned why Lisle should have gone to such lengths to keep her pregnancy a secret from him, but Flora didn’t seem disposed to make any judgements yet.
‘I never saw her again. The first I knew of Mette’s existence was when her parents called me, telling me about the accident.’
‘That must have been a shock.’
It had changed his world. Tipped it upside down and focussed every last piece of his attention on the child he’d never known he had. ‘Shock is an understatement.’
She flipped a glance at him, then turned her gaze back onto the road ahead. But in that moment Aksel saw warmth in her eyes and it spurred him on, as if it was the glimmer of an evening campfire at the end of a long road.
‘Olaf and Agnetha are good people. They never really agreed with Lisle’s decision not to tell me about Mette, although they respected it while she was alive. When she died, they decided that Mette needed to know more than just what Lisle had told her. That she had a father but that he was an adventurer, away exploring the world.’
Flora nodded, her lips forming into a tight line. ‘And so you finally got to meet her.’
‘Not straight away. Mette was in hospital for a while. She had no other serious injuries, she was still in her car seat when the rescue services arrived, but one of the front headrests had come loose and hit her in the face. The blow damaged her optic nerves…’
The memory of having to stand outside Mette’s room, watching through the glass partition as Agnetha sat with her granddaughter, was still as sharp as a knife. He’d understood the importance of taking things slowly, but reaching out to touch the cool, hard surface of the glass that had separated them had been agony. Aksel gripped his hands together hard to stop them from shaking.
‘Olaf and Agnetha were naturally anxious to take things at whatever pace was best for Mette and I was in complete agreement with that. I dropped everything and went to Oslo, but it was two weeks before they made the decision to introduce me to her. They were the longest two weeks of my life.’
‘I imagine so. It must have been very hard for them, too.’
‘Yes, it was. They knew me from when I’d been seeing Lisle, but they wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t hurt Mette any more than she’d already been hurt. Letting me get to know her was a risk.’
‘But they took it. Good for them.’
‘Not until I’d convinced them that I wouldn’t walk in, shower Mette with presents and then leave again. That was why Lisle didn’t tell me about her pregnancy. Because I was always leaving…’
Aksel could hear the bitterness in his own voice. The helpless anger that Lisle hadn’t known that a child would make all the difference to him. She’d only seen the man who’d wanted to go out and meet the world, and she’d done what she’d felt she had to do in response to that.
‘She must have cared a lot about you.’
That was a new idea. Aksel had been more comfortable with the thought that the only emotion he’d engendered in Lisle’s heart was dislike. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘If the thought of you leaving was such an issue to her, then it must have hurt.’
Guilt was never very far from the surface these days, but now it felt as if it was eating him up. ‘I didn’t think of it that way.’
‘You’re angry with her? For not telling you about Mette?’
Yes, he was angry. Rage had consumed him, but he’d hidden it for Olaf and Agnetha’s sake. And now he hid it for Mette’s sake.
‘Mette loves her mother. I have to respect that.’
He was caught off balance suddenly as Flora swerved left into the service road that led to a large car park. That was the story of his life at the moment, letting other people take the driving seat and finding himself struggling to cope with the twists and turns in the road. She caught sight of a parking spot, accelerating to get to it before anyone else did, and turned into it. Aksel waited for her to reverse and straighten up, and then realised that the car was already perfectly straight and within the white lines.
‘I’d want to scream. I mean, I’d go out and find a place where no one could hear me, and really scream. Until I was hoarse.’
So she knew something of the healing nature of the wilderness. Aksel hadn’t told anyone why he’d taken the train out of Oslo towards Bergen, or that he’d set out alone in the darkness to trek to the edge of one of the magnificent fjords, roaring his anger and pain out across the water.
‘I didn’t scream, I yelled. But apart from that, you have it right.’
She gave a soft chuckle, regarding him silently for a moment. ‘And then you went back home and read all the manuals? Did your best to be a good father, without any of the training and experience that most men get along the way?’
That was exactly how Aksel felt at times. He’d loved Mette from the first moment he’d seen