The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри
Pete, did you kiss her?
PETE. NO!
HENDERS. What for no?
PETE. I never thoucht o’t.
(Exit PETE, while HENDERS looks contemptuously after him and shakes his fist and repeatedly grins, as if he saw a good scheme. Enter DOWAGER, carrying rug. She is in high spirits.)
DOWAGER. What are you grinning at, man? Go away and grin somewhere else.
HENDERS. The very thing I was thinking of doing, your ladyship. He never thought of it!
DOWAGER. What?
HENDERS. That’s what he said. He never thought of it.
(When henders has gone, dowager arranges rug cosily, in high spirits — looks about and evidently sees professor coming — lies down on rug in affected swoon. Enter professor excitedly and miss goodwillie simultaneously, and not seeing dowager, who is hidden by stook.)
PROFESSOR. Agnes!
MISS GOODWILLIE. Tom, I’ve been looking for you every —
PROFESSOR. Agnes, Agnes, Dick was right.
MISS GOOD WILLIE. In what?
PROFESSOR. I am in love.
MISS GOODWILLIE. Tom!
PROFESSOR. With Miss Lucy.
(DOWAGER listens horrified.)
MISS GOODWILLIE. Oh, Tom!
PROFESSOR. I found her lying over there a few moments ago. She had fainted.
(Horror of DOWAGER.) I called for help — no one heard me. I thought of water — I had nothing to bring it in, so I lifted her in my arms and carried her to the riverside. Agnes, I no sooner had her in my arms than I realised that I loved her.
(DOWAGER crawls out of sight in stook.)
MISS GOODWILLIE. Where is she now?
PROFESSOR. When she came to herself she ran away from me.
MISS GOODWILLIE. Tom, have you asked her to marry you?
PROFESSOR. I had no time. Where are you going, Agnes?
MISS GOODWILLIE. After her!
PROFESSOR. To plead for me. Agnes, you dear sister, you are going to plead for me.
(MISS GOODWILLIE goes, PROFESSOR excitedly follows her and DOWAGER peeps out from stook a picture of comic woe.)
Act III
Exterior of Professor’s cottage. Moonlight. The time is eight o’clock p m. When the curtain rises the windows are opened but the room is not lit up. Piano is being played in an amateur way inside. Effie comes out of gate carrying two empty water-pails. She disappears. Pete enters stealthily and sees her.
PETE. Effie!
(She does not look routid. He follows her. Enter DR.
YELLOWLEES. He knocks at door and the music ceases.
YELLOWLEES enters house. Enter SIR GEORGE, LADY GILDING, and DOWAGER. They are in evening dress with wraps.)
SIR GEORGE. Then what I have to tell the Professor and Miss Goodwillie is this: that Miss White’s swoon was a deliberate sham.
LADY GILDING. As mamma can testify, for she saw it.
DOWAGER. I happened to be passing at the time.
SIR GEORGE. I feel a little nervous about intruding.
DOWAGER. What is there to be afraid of?
LADY GILDING. YOU insisted on our hurrying over dinner so that we might expose the creature before it was too late.
DOWAGER. Don’t forget that if the Professor — succeeds in winning me — you get five hundred pounds a year.
(Music recommences.)
SIR george. Please don’t talk so sordidly.
(They are about to enter gate, when YELLOWLEES comes out of it.)
LADY GILDING. Ah, Doctor, have you been paying a professional visit?
YELLOWLEES. I intended to, but the Professor is out.
SIR GEORGE. Miss Goodwillie?
YELLOWLEES. Out also.
(A bang is heard on piano.)
DOWAGER. Then who is that sitting on the piano?
YELLOWLEES. Dr. Cosens.
(Piano ceases.)
SIR GEORGE. Then we need not go in?
DOWAGER. Let us stroll along the lane — we may meet them.
SIR GEORGE. Very well.
LADY GILDING. I’ll follow you — I have something to say to Dr. Yellowlees.
(SIR GEORGE and DOWAGER go.)
Now, Doctor.
YELLOWLEES (thinking he is going to be scolded). If it is about my saying that Sir George was suffering from chershylafam —
LADY GILDING. It is.
YELLOWLEES. I wish to ask your pardon. The fact is, I don’t know what chershylafam is. It’s not in the medical dictionary.
LADY GILDING (archly). It ought to be — and you know what it is very well, Doctor. Indeed, it was most good of you to put the little matter to me in such a delicate way. I thank you.
YELLOWLEES (more puzzled than ever). I — really —
LADY GILDING. YOU will be pleased to know that it is not so serious as you probably feared. Of course, I inquired into the matter at once.
YELLOWLEES. Ah — ah — quite so!
LADY GILDING. But without telling Sir George. You see, had he known I was interfering, he might — don’t you think —
YELLOWLEES. He might — he might!
LADY GILDING. Of course, I have dismissed her.
YELLOWLEES. Of course! Oh, certainly.
LADY GILDING. I thought it right to let you know this, as you are so fully acquainted with the circumstances.
YELLOWLEES. So fully acquainted — ha, just so!
LADY GILDING. Not a word of it to Sir George.
YELLOWLEES. Not a word.
(LADY GILDING goes, YELLOWLEES stares in perplexity, then hears someone coming out of house and exits swaggering. The newcomer is DR. COSENS, without his hat, who comes and leans over gate, smoking a pipe. An unseen bird in tree whistles and he whistles back to it. They keep this up until PROFESSOR enters excitedly.)
PROFESSOR. Dick!
COSENS. At last, Tom. I haven’t seen you since I met you in the field. I was beginning to think that the mysterious woman had run away with you, and married you against your will.
PROFESSOR. None of that, Dick. I won’t listen to a word against marriage. Most unmanly — very.
COSENS. Hullo!
PROFESSOR. I hold that it is the duty of every man to marry.
COSENS. Hullo! And how long have you been of that opinion?
PROFESSOR. Always.
COSENS. Tom!
PROFESSOR (joining him). Dick, I’m in love!
COSENS. At last! And do you know who the lady is?
PROFESSOR.