The Collected Works of Frances Burney (Illustrated Edition). Frances Burney
“I protest,” said Mr. Lovel, “I think it’s a very disagreeable privilege, and I must beg that nobody may take such a liberty with me.”
“Like enough you may,” cried the Captain;” but what’s that to the purpose? Suppose I’ve a mind to lay that you’ve never a tooth in your head — pray, how will you hinder me?”
“You’ll allow me, at least, Sir, to take the liberty of asking how you’ll prove it?”
“How? — why, by knocking them all down your throat.”
“Knocking them all down my throat, Sir!” repeated Mr. Lovel, with a look of horror; “I protest I never heard any thing so shocking in my life! And I must beg leave to observe, that no wager, in my opinion, could justify such a barbarous action.”
Here Lord Orville interfered, and hurried us to our carriages.
We returned in the same order we came. Mrs. Beaumont invited all the party to dinner, and has been so obliging as to beg Miss Mirvan may continue at her house during her stay. The Captain will lodge at the Wells.
The first half-hour after our return was devoted to hearing Mr. Lovel’s apologies for dining in his riding-dress.
Mrs. Beaumont then, addressing herself to Miss Mirvan and me, inquired how we liked Bath?
“I hope,” said Mr. Lovel, “the ladies do not call this seeing Bath.”
“No! — what should ail ’em?” cried the Captain, “do you suppose they put their eyes in their pockets?”
“No, Sir; but I fancy you will find no person — that is — no person of any condition — call going about a few places in a morning seeing Bath.”
“Mayhap, then,” said the literal Captain, “you think we should see it better by going about at midnight?”
“No, Sir, no,” said Mr. Lovel, with a supercilious smile, “I perceive you don’t understand me; — we should never call it seeing Bath, without going at the right season.”
“Why, what a plague, then,” demanded he, “can you only see at one season of the year?”
Mr. Lovel again smiled; but seemed superior to making any answer.
“The Bath amusements,” said Lord Orville, “have a sameness in them, which, after a short time, renders them rather insipid; but the greatest objection that can be made to the place, is the encouragement it gives to gamesters.”
“Why, I hope, my Lord, you would not think of abolishing gaming,” cried Lord Merton, “’tis the very zest of life! Devil take me if I could live without it.”
“I am sorry for it,” said Lord Orville, gravely, and looking at Lady Louisa.
“Your Lordship is no judge of this subject,” continued the other; “but if once we could get you to a gaming-table, you’d never be happy away from it!”
“I hope, my Lord,” cried Lady Louisa, “that nobody here ever occasions your quitting it.”
“Your Ladyship,” said Lord Merton, recollecting himself, “has power to make me quit any thing.”
“Except herself,” said Mr. Coverley. “Egad, my Lord, I think I’ve helpt you out there!”
“You men of wit, Jack,” answered his Lordship, “are always ready; — for my part, I don’t pretend to any talents that way.”
“Really, my Lord?” asked the sarcastic Mrs. Selwyn; “well, that is wonderful, considering success would be so much in your power.”
“Pray, Ma’am,” said Mr. Lovel to Lady Louisa, “has your Ladyship heard the news?”
“News! — what news?”
“Why, the report circulating at the Wells concerning a certain person.”
“O Lord, no: pray tell me what it is?”
“O no, Ma’am, I beg your La’ship will excuse me; ’tis a profound secret, and I would not have mentioned it, if I had not thought you knew it.”
“Lord, now, how can you be so monstrous? I declare, now, you’re a provoking creature! But come, I know you’ll tell me; — won’t you now?”
“Your La’ship knows I am but too happy to obey you; but, ‘pon honour, I can’t speak a word, if you won’t all promise me the most inviolable secrecy.”
“I wish you’d wait for that from me,” said the Captain, “and I’ll give you my word you’d be dumb for one while. Secrecy, quoth-a! —‘Fore George, I wonder you an’t ashamed to mention such a word, when you talk of telling it to a woman. Though, for the matter of that, I’d as lieve blab it to the whole sex at once, as to go for to tell it to such a thing as you.”
“Such a thing as me, Sir!” said Mr. Lovel, letting fall his knife and fork, and looking very important; “I really have not the honour to understand your expression.”
“It’s all one for that,” said the Captain; “you may have it explained whenever you like it.”
“‘Pon honour, Sir,” returned Mr. Lovel, “I must take the liberty to tell you, that I should be extremely offended, but that I suppose it to be some sea-phrase; and therefore I’ll let it pass without further notice.”
Lord Orville, then, to change the discourse, asked Miss Mirvan if she should spend the ensuing winter in London?
“No, to be sure,” said the Captain, “what should she for? She saw all that was to be seen before.”
“Is London, then,” said Mr. Lovel, smiling at Lady Louisa, “only to be regarded as a sight?”
“Why, pray, Mr. Wiseacre, how are you pleased for to regard it yourself? — Answer me to that.”
“O Sir, my opinion, I fancy, you would hardly find intelligible. I don’t understand sea-phrases enough to define it to your comprehension. Does not your La’ship think the task would be rather difficult?”
“O Lard, yes,” cried Lady Louisa; “I declare I’d as soon teach my parrot to talk Welsh.”
“Ha! ha! ha! Admirable; —‘Pon honour, your La’ship’s quite in luck today; but that, indeed, your La’ship is every day. Though, to be sure, it is but candid to acknowledge, that the gentlemen of the ocean have a set of ideas, as well as a dialect, so opposite to our’s, that it is by no means surprising they should regard London as a mere show, that may be seen by being looked at. Ha! ha! ha!”
“Ha! ha!” echoed Lady Louisa; “Well, I declare you are the drollest creature.”
“He! he! ‘Pon honour, I can’t help laughing at the conceit of seeing London in a few weeks!”
“And what a plague should hinder you?” cried the Captain; “do you want to spend a day in every street?”
Here again Lady Louisa and Mr. Lovel interchanged smiles.
“Why, I warrant you, if I had the showing it, I’d haul you from St. James’s to Wapping the very first morning.”
The smiles were now, with added contempt, repeated; which the Captain observing, looked very fiercely at Mr. Lovel, and said, “Hark’ee my spark, none of your grinning! —’tis a lingo I don’t understand; and if you give me any more of it, I shall go near to lend you a box o’ the ear.”
“I protest, Sir,” said Mr. Lovel, turning extremely pale, “I think it’s taking a very particular liberty with a person, to talk to one in such a style as this!”
“It’s like you may,” returned the Captain: “but give a good gulp, and I’ll warrant you’ll swallow it.” Then, calling for a glass of ale, with a very provoking and significant nod, he drank to his easy digestion.