New directions. Diego Uribe
couldn't wait any longer. But I did... repeating to myself that I couldn't go on like this and that sooner or later I would have to confront him. Luckily, Monday came after that, which only meant one thing: going back to the institute. I woke up feeling rather optimistic, determined to change my destiny or, at least, do something about it. So, I texted Male asking her if we could meet before class because I had to tell her something important. She asked me what was it that I wanted to tell her, but I didn't reply to that, again I waited. That was definitely something, the first step, taking courage. Then came the afternoon and the specific hour I was supposed to meet Male, I was standing right outside the institute, waiting for her. She finally came and I gave her a warm hug. She asked me to walk her to the store and so I did, and both of us got something to eat and drink, it seemed fair. It was not my idea of “having tea” (I always plan these scenes and scenarios in my head...), but it seemed to me like a simpler and smarter idea, even a cheaper one. We went back to the institute and looked for a place where we could talk without being bothered. We found an empty classroom and went inside. We just sat on the floor and got straight to it.
“Come on, tell me. What is it that you wanted to talk about?” she asked me.
“Oh, now I'm not so sure I wanna tell you...” I said, being such a coward all of a sudden.
“Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?”
“Well, I'm not sure how to say it...”
“Don't be silly. Just say it!”
“It's not that easy...”
“You know you can trust me. It's ok, besides I'm very open minded...”
The thing about “being open-minded” resonated with me but, at the same time, it was true. I could trust Male, she wasn't going to get judgmental with me or tell me something that I wasn't ready to hear. So, I just let it out as I searched for the right words in my head.
“Well, let me see... it's not that simple” I said really nervous. “But, whatever. I think I like Fran.”
Once I finished saying those words I blushed but, on the other hand, I also felt relieved.
“Aw... Yes. I knew it” said Male and I was like WAIT, WHAT.
“Huh? Wait, how come you already knew? What do you know?”
“It's just that Fran told me that you two were talking a lot...”
I tried to take those words in as fast as I could and I couldn't help but smile. So we were “talking a lot”, huh? I knew it wasn't that way, at least not like that. I had never talked to Fran, not even once after the day I met him. It was true though, that I was friends with him on Facebook and I had just followed him on Twitter. And yes, we had texted each other a couple of times, but no big deal...
“Oh, really? That's what he told you?” I asked.
“Yes!”
“Ok, listen. I know that you know him a little so you've gotta help me. What can I do? I don't know how to get close to him...”
“Well, you should talk to him” she suggested (Duh! Really?)
“Yeah, I know. But he's never online.”
She made it sound so easy, but it wasn't just like that.
“I'll see what I can do...” I lied.
I told myself that I would figure this one out somehow. It wasn't going to be easy, it was going to take lots of work, but anyway... nothing worth having comes easy. I finished drinking my orange juice and eating my alfajor** and she would tell me her stuff and we would laugh as always. It was about time to go to class and everyone would arrive any second, so we left the classroom, but Male gave me a hug first. It was as if all the weight I had carried on my shoulders had suddenly disappeared, my worries were gone and something that was hidden in some dark corner had finally been brought to the light. I felt liberated. I felt... good with myself. I think it's vital to be good with yourself, to embrace yourself... I think it might even be essential to be happy. I had taken a big step and Male had helped me take it. Beneath all her showing-off, jokes, impersonations, monologues, and constant chatter, Male is a great person. She is on character most of the time, but she is also a person. She is my best friend, and I'm so grateful for that.
** An alfajor is a sweet snack typically found in Latin America. It is made with two round cookies with different sweet fillings between them.
Chapter 5: Closer
A few weeks passed by and, during that time, my only interaction with Fran was on Twitter: he would retweet or reply to some of my tweets, but that was it, just empty conversations... Luckily, I saw him every Thursday morning. He would switch classrooms in between classes, and I would be waiting for that classroom he had just left because I had piano lessons there. But I wasn't waiting for my piano teacher, I was waiting for him actually. Piano lessons became my excuse to see him and getting up early was worth it if I had that luck. For several months I settled with that, just a “Hi” from him and maybe a kiss on the cheek or a friendly hug at the most. In fact, the week started on Thursdays for me, precisely at 11:00 a.m. (that if Fran’s class finished on time, sometimes it would take a little bit longer). With just seeing him or listening to him, I could start my week in peace and cheered up. I had to make that image of him last for a week, until next Thursday that I would see him again, although sometimes it was hard to remain calm and wait so long. Some Wednesdays would become a sort of nightmare Sunday, and in those days my image of him would be almost gone and seem like a distant blurry dream, almost unreal. But everything would change the next day: he would be there, so real and, at the same time, so distant. Everything would be okay again, at least for me... because I got to see him again, because even if we didn't talk that much, just the fact of him being there would mean that he's okay, that he exists, that he's real. Everything would be okay for him as well, because probably things had never been bad for him. What is more, I really doubt that my presence (or maybe even my existence) changes in any way how he feels about me, he has no idea who I am. He remains unaffected, unalterable, unreachable.
Every piece is in its place but it seems that no one dares to make the first move. And I can't help but wonder if someone, someday, will make it... because I'm still stuck on this level, trapped, unable to move forward. “What if it doesn't work out?” I tell myself; that question won't let me rest. “But what if it did?”, it takes me some time to get to that conclusion and it comforts me enough to be able to sleep for awhile. I was wondering if all (or any) of this was just in my head or also in his, I was wondering if he had ever thought of me in that way. I wonder, in fact, if he has ever thought of me at all... Then the insomnia strikes back and with this comes a wave of questions to which I don't have any answers.
3 months went by, which means more or less 13 weeks, or actually 87 days until I saw him again. It was a Saturday, mid-October, and we had a talent show of sorts with all the freshman. Fran prepared this short cute-but-kind-of-nostalgic scene with Male (yes, you could team up with a partner from a different class.)
But before I tell you about that Saturday, let me go back a couple of days... Last Tuesday, Male was acting very excited at the institute, she hugged me when she arrived and she said she had something to tell me, adding suspense at the end by saying “You will not believe it.” She told me she had been rehearsing this scene with Fran and they had been talking about me; I didn't dare to ask why I had become the subject of their conversation all of a sudden. Without further details, Fran had told her that I seemed like a “nice guy” and that he would totally date someone like me. And even if he were to have a boyfriend, he would want his boyfriend to be someone with my personality (in other words). I don't know what Fran thought he knew about me in order to say such things or how he got that information from Male. My first and only reaction was to hug her real tight and say “Thanks”. I felt like crying but not precisely out of sadness, more