The Poetical Works of John Skelton (Vol. 1&2). John Skelton
was an Englysheman borne as Skogyn was, and hee was educated & broughte vp in Oxfoorde: and there was he made a poete lauriat. And on a tyme he had ben at Abbington to make mery, wher that he had eate salte meates, and hee did com late home to Oxforde, and he did lye in an ine named yᵉ Tabere whyche is now the Angell, and hee dyd drynke, & went to bed. About midnight he was so thyrstie or drye that hee was constrained to call to the tapster for drynke, & the tapster harde him not. Then hee cryed to hys oste & hys ostes, and to the ostler, for drinke; and no man wold here hym: alacke, sayd Skelton, I shall peryshe for lacke of drynke! what reamedye? At the last he dyd crie out and sayd, Fyer, fyer, fyer! When Skelton hard euery man bustled hymselfe vpward, & some of them were naked, & some were halfe asleepe and amased, and Skelton dyd crye, Fier, fier, styll, that euerye man knewe not whether to resorte; Skelton did go to bed, and the oste and ostis, & the tapster with the ostler, dyd runne to Skeltons chamber with candles lyghted in theyr handes, saying, Where, where, where is the fyer? Here, here, here, said Skelton, & poynted hys fynger to hys moouth, saying, Fetch me some drynke to quenche the fyer and the heate and the drinesse in my mouthe: & so they dyd. Wherfore it is good for euerye man to helpe hys owne selfe in tyme of neede wythe some policie or crafte, so bee it there bee no deceit nor falshed vsed.
¶ How Skelton drest the Kendallman in the sweat time. [Tale ii.]
On a time Skelton rode from Oxforde to London with a Kendalman, and at Uxbridge they beyted. The Kendallman layd hys cap vpon the borde in the hall, and he went to serue hys horse. Skelton tooke yᵉ Kendalmans cappe, and dyd put betwixte the linyng & the vtter syde a dishe of butter: and when the Kendalman had drest hys horse, hee dyd come in to diner, and dyd put on hys cappe (that tyme the sweating sycknes was in all Englande); at the last, when the butter had take heate of the Kendallmans heade, it dyd begynne to run ouer hys face and aboute hys cheekes. Skelton sayde, Syr, you sweate soore: beware yᵗ you haue not the sweatynge sycknesse. The Kendalman sayde, By the mysse, Ise wrang; I bus goe tyll bed. Skelton sayd, I am skild on phisicke, & specially in the sweatynge sycknesse, that I wyll warant any man. In gewd faith, saith the Kendallman, do see, and Ise bay for your skott to London. Then sayde Skelton, Get you a kerchiefe, and I wyll bryng you abed: the whiche was donne. Skelton caused the capp to bee sod in hoat lee, & dryed it: in the mornyng Skelton and the Kendalman dyd ride merely to London.
¶ Howe Skelton tolde the man that Chryst was very busye in the woodes with them that made fagots. Tale iii.
When Skelton did cum to London, ther were manye men at the table at diner. Amongest all other there was one sayde to Skelton, Be you of Oxforde or of Cambridge a scoler? Skelton sayd, I am of Oxford. Syr, sayde the man, I will put you a question: you do know wel that after Christ dyd rise from death to life, it was xl. days after ere he dyd ascend into heauen, and hee was but certaine times wyth hys discyples, and when that he did appeare to them, hee dyd neuer tary longe amongest them, but sodainely vanished from them; I wold fayne know (saith the man to Skelton) where Chryste was all these xl. dayes. Where hee was, saythe Skelton, God knoweth; he was verye busye in the woods among hys labourers, that dyd make fagottes to burne heretickes, & such as thou art the whych doest aske such diffuse questions: but nowe I wyll tell thee more; when hee was not with hys mother & hys disciples, hee was in Paradyce, to comforte the holye patriarches and prophets soules, the which before he had fet out of hell. And at the daye of hys ascencion, hee tooke them all vp wyth him into heauen.
¶ Howe the Welshman dyd desyre Skelton to ayde hym in hys sute to the kynge for a patent to sell drynke. The iiii. Tale.
Skelton, when he was in London, went to the kynges courte, where there did come to hym a Welshman, saying, Syr, it is so, that manye dooth come vpp of my country to the kyngs court, and some doth get of the kyng by patent a castell, and some a parke, & some a forest, and some one fee and some another, and they dooe lyue lyke honest men; and I shoulde lyue as honestly as the best, if I myght haue a patyne for good dryncke: wherefore I dooe praye you to write a fewe woords for mee in a lytle byll to geue the same to the kynges handes, and I wil geue you well for your laboure. I am contented, sayde Skelton. Syt downe then, sayde the Welshman, and write. What shall I wryte? sayde Skelton. The Welshman sayde, Wryte, dryncke. Nowe, sayd the Welshman, wryte, more dryncke. What now? sayde Skelton. Wryte nowe, a great deale of dryncke. Nowe, sayd the Welshman, putte to all thys dryncke a littell crome of breade, and a great deale of drynke to it, and reade once agayne. Skelton dyd reade, Dryncke, more dryncke, & a great deale of dryncke, and a lytle crome of breade, and a great deale of dryncke to it. Then the Welsheman sayde, Put out the litle crome of breade, and sett in, all dryncke, and no breade: and if I myght haue thys sygned of the kynge, sayde the Welsheman, I care for no more as longe as I dooe lyue. Well then, sayde Skelton, when you haue thys signed of the kyng, then wyll I labour for a patent to haue bread, that you wyth your drynke, and I with the bread, may fare well, and seeke our liuinge with bagge and staffe.
¶ Of Swanborne the knaue, that was buried vnder Saint Peters wall in Oxford. [Tale v.]
There was dwelling in Oxford a stark knaue, whose name was Swanborn; and he was such a notable knaue that, if any scoler had fallen out thone wyth thother, the one woulde call thother Swanborn, the whyche they dyd take for a worser woorde then knaue. Hys wife woulde diuers tymes in the weeke kimbe his head with a iii. footed stoole: then hee woulde runne out of the doores wepinge, and if anye man had asked hym what he dyd aile, other whyle he woulde saye hee had the megrym in hys head, or ells, there was a great smoke wythin the house: & if the doores were shut, hys wyfe woulde beate him vnder the bed, or into the bench hole, and then he woulde looke out at the cat hole; then woulde his wife saye, Lookest thou out, whoreson? Yea, woulde he saye, thou shalt neuer let me of my manly lookes. Then with her distaff she would poore in at hym. I knewe him when that he was a boye in Oxforde; hee was a littell olde fellowe, and woulde lye as fast as a horse woulde trotte. At last hee dyed, and was buried vnder the wall of S. Peters church. Then Skelton was desyred to make an epitaphe vppon the churche wall, & dyd wryte wyth a role, saying, Belsabub his soule saue, Qui iacet hic hec a knaue: Jam scio[138] mortuus est, Et iacet hic hec a beast: Sepultus[139] est amonge the weedes: God forgiue him his misdeedes!
¶ Howe Skelton was complayned on to the bishop of Norwich. Tale vi.
Skelton dyd keepe a musket at Dys, vpon the which he was complayned on to the bishop of Norwych. The byshoppe sent for Skelton. Skelton dyd take two capons, to geue theym for a presente to the byshop. And as soone as hee had saluted the byshopp, hee sayde, My lorde, here I haue brought you a couple of capons. The byshop was blynde, and sayde, Who bee you? I am Skelton, sayd Skelton. The byshop sayd, A hoare head! I will none of thy capons: thou keepest vnhappye rule in thy house, for the whyche thou shalt be punished. What, sayde Skelton, is the winde at that doore? and sayd, God be with you, my lorde! and Skelton with his capons went hys way. The byshop sent after Skelton to come agayne. Skelton sayde, What, shal I come[140] agayne to speake wythe a madde man? At last hee retourned to the byshop, whyche sayde to hym, I would, sayd the byshop, that you shoulde not lyue suche a sclaunderouse lyfe, that all your parisshe shoulde not wonder & complaine on you as they dooe; I pray you amende, and hereafter lyue honestlye, that I heare no more suche woordes of you; and if you wyll tarye dynner, you shall be welcome; and I thanke you, sayde the byshoppe, for your capons. Skelton sayde, My lord, my capons haue proper names; the one is named Alpha, the other is named Omega: my lorde, sayd Skelton, this capon is named Alpha, thys is the fyrst capon that I dyd euer geue to you; and this capon is named Omega, and this is the last capon that euer I wil giue you: & so fare you well, sayd Skelton.
¶ Howe Skelton, when hee came from the bishop, made a sermon. Tale vii.
Skelton the nexte Sondaye after wente into the pulpet to prech, and sayde, Vos estis, vos estis, that is to saye, You be, you be. And what be you? sayd Skelton: I saye, that you bee a sorte of knaues, yea, and a man might saye worse then knaues; and why, I shall shew you. You haue complayned of mee to