Oscar Wilde: The Complete Works. Knowledge house
But what proof have I of their authenticity?
·131· jack
I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.
lady bracknell
[Grimly.] I have known strange errors in that publication.
jack
Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.
lady bracknell
Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markbys is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.
jack
[Very irritably.] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.
lady bracknell
Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though ·132· perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of premature experiences. [Rises, looks at her watch.] Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?
jack
Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Good-bye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you.
lady bracknell
[Sitting down again.] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces. [To Cecily.] Come over here, dear. [Cecily goes across.] Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.
jack
And after six months nobody knew her [E: her.]
·133· lady bracknell
[Glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily.] Kindly turn round, sweet child. [Cecily turns completely round.] No, the side view is what I want. [Cecily presents her profile.] Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon!
algernon
Yes, Aunt Augusta!
lady bracknell
There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew’s profile.
algernon
Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don’t care twopence about social possibilities.
lady bracknell
Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. [To Cecily.] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. ·134· When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.
algernon
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
lady bracknell
Cecily, you may kiss me!
cecily
[Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell.
lady bracknell
You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.
cecily
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
lady bracknell
The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.
algernon
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
·135· cecily
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
lady bracknell
To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
jack
I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew’s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline to give.
lady bracknell
Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?
jack
It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. [Algernon and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement.]
·136· lady bracknell
Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian.
jack
I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon, during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; a wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.
lady bracknell
Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew’s conduct to you.
jack
That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. ·137· My own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.
lady bracknell
[To Cecily.] Come here, sweet child. [Cecily goes over.] How old are you, dear?
cecily
Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.
lady bracknell
You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating…. [In a meditative manner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your guardian’s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.
jack
Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell,