Step into Your Moxie. Alexia Vernon
have the credentials to apply for the director position in my department.
When you invite the Coach in, she asks: What results have you achieved in your current role, and how do these make you uniquely qualified to fill this new role?
If the voice you wrestle with the most is the Cop’s, she may poke at you with something like: You can stay in a j-o-b that you enjoy as much as a colonoscopy — or you can quit, move into your parents’ guestroom, and try the whole entrepreneurship thing. What’s it going to be? (Disclaimer: About two years into my business, and two years into my marriage, my husband, Steve, and I moved cross-country and lived in my parents’ guestroom for two years. We saved heaps of cash, and we bought our first home as a result. If this option sounds like defeat to you, know it actually wasn’t so bad for my hubs and me, or for my parents — or so they say.)
Nonetheless, your Coach is bored by the narrow worldview of your Cop. Even if shacking up with family is what you ultimately decide to do, your Coach wants you to explore other options before settling on a decision. Therefore, she responds by asking, What are possible third, fourth, and even fifth scenarios I can consider? (Quit and take on some freelance jobs while building my business. Ask to go half-time in my current role so I can take on private clients two days a week.) It’s equally important that you invite your Coach in to pull your Cheerleader out of the clouds and back down into reality. Consider this self-talk messaging.
It’s fine that you are hosting a big retreat during a weekend when both your husband (co-parent) and mother (backup childcare) are out of town. A toddler would make a fun playmate for a dozen women who’ve made a big financial investment to work with you. Yucko. If your Cheerleader is anything like mine, she can be as snarky as she can be sweet. In this case, you could (I did) deal with your equal parts crappy situation (and in my case, delusional impulse solution) by asking: Who are the people constantly offering to watch your daughter, and how can you send out an SOS and ask for some much-needed childcare coverage?
I hope it goes without saying (but I like to dot my i’s and cross my t’s, so I’ll risk being what my uncle used to affectionately call me from time to time, an oracle of the obvious, and make it clear) — when your Coach enters the conversation and asks a question (and sometimes she may ask a few questions), you answer them. No, this doesn’t make you ripe for a psych evaluation. It means you are laying the foundation for stepping into your moxie — by empowering your communication from the inside out. You allow yourself to dialogue with yourself, as long as is necessary, until your Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader retreats and your Coach is left alone to host the show in your head.
POWER UP YOUR INNER COACH
Directions: As you’ve read this chapter, you’ve likely realized that your Critic, Cop, and/or Cheerleader has had a lot to say to you over the years. In your journal (or, if you prefer, you can download a worksheet at AlexiaVernon.com/MoxieBook), identify the message that most often appears in your head when you find yourself thinking about stepping into your moxie. Then identify whether it’s coming from your Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader.
Example
Message: Lex, you are a sorceress of suck, and you have nothing of value to offer the world.
Whose Voice? The Critic
Then identify the question your Coach can ask when this voice starts to speak. The question should be short, easy to remember, and able to fast-track you back to being in your moxie.
Example
COACH’S QUESTION
• What’s a moment of personal awesomeness I can remind myself of?
Now it’s your turn!
Not sure what your Coach can say to reset your power in the moment and, ultimately, long-term? Here are a few of my favorite Coach questions, by category.
Favorite Coach Questions
FOR CRITICS
• What’s a more accurate depiction of myself?
• What would I say if [insert name of loved one] talked about him- or herself this way?
• When have I been resilient in the past?
FOR COPS
• What are other possible options?
• How is my judgment undermining me?
• Who do I need to forgive to set myself free?
FOR CHEERLEADERS
• Who can I ask for help?
• What can I take off my plate?
• How can I adjust my timeline?
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
• What would be the payoff for asking your Coach’s question each time the message you identified above pops into your head?
• How is the answer you get when you ask your Coach question not only empowering but also a more accurate reflection of who you are — than what your Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader says?
• How might the voice(s) of your Critics, Cops, and Cheerleaders be a default safety mechanism?
• How is your outer communication evolving as your Coach voice becomes a habit?
Let’s chat a bit about this second-to-last Question for Reflection. Our Critics, Cops, and Cheerleaders — yes, they impede our inner and ultimately outer communication success. However, they are also there to protect us, in their own way. Ultimately, we have to make a choice about whether we want their so-called protection.
Whenever we step into our moxie and take strategic risks by speaking up for ourselves (or others), we are declaring to ourselves (first and foremost) that we are built for greatness. That we reject playing small in our lives. Our Critics, Cops, and Cheerleaders — they’re testing our resolve. Are we ready to play to our edge and capitalize on our potential? Or do we need an excuse, a.k.a. our self-talk, to stay quiet, underearn, hold on to toxic jobs (or clients), and not realize our dreams?
Yes, choosing to invite the Coach in each and every time a Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader speaks requires consistent practice. But this need not be complicated. It requires less time than a bathroom break. It’s a simple choice.
Do you believe that your voice matters?
If your answer is yes (and I’m sure it is, because otherwise, why would you be reading this book?), you will make the commitment. You will invest the time to shift your self-talk and activate your most powerful voice. Sure, en route to putting your Coach on autopilot there will be times when you forget, but your commitment will be resolute. You won’t make excuses for your mediocrity. You’ll stay focused on the results you want and buff up the communication muscles needed to achieve them.
You’ll also develop the ability to unhook from other people’s opinions of you. Truly, when you stop using, What if people don’t like me? Or what if my boss/clients/partner/parents/accountant/ personal chef (a girl can dream!) disagree? as the filter for how and what you choose to communicate, you stop yourself from sculpting encyclopedia-like messages in your head that you never get out into the world. You fall (back) in love with your voice. You stop yourself from speaking diluted, inauthentic versions of what you want to say. You live and speak from your whole body — knowing that what comes out of you is what you are supposed to say. Stepping into your moxie is as much about (okay, actually much more about) surrender as it is about elbow grease. It’s also about being flexible, integrating our feminine with our masculine, and allowing our communication to be as mindful as it is magical. In chapter