The Innocents Abroad - The Original Classic Edition. Twain Mark

       when a man commits a crime so heinous that the law provides no adequate

       87

       punishment for it, they make him Consul General to Tangier.

       I am glad to have seen Tangier--the second-oldest town in the world. But

       I am ready to bid it good-bye, I believe.

       We shall go hence to Gibraltar this evening or in the morning, and doubtless the Quaker City will sail from that port within the next forty-eight hours.

       CHAPTER X.

       We passed the Fourth of July on board the Quaker City, in mid-ocean. It was in all respects a characteristic Mediterranean day--faultlessly beautiful. A cloudless sky; a refreshing summer wind; a radiant sunshine that glinted cheerily from dancing wavelets instead of crested mountains of water; a sea beneath us that was so wonderfully blue, so richly, brilliantly blue, that it overcame the dullest sensibilities with the

       spell of its fascination.

       They even have fine sunsets on the Mediterranean--a thing that is certainly rare in most quarters of the globe. The evening we sailed away from Gibraltar, that hard-featured rock was swimming in a creamy mist so rich, so soft, so enchantingly vague and dreamy, that even the Oracle,

       that serene, that inspired, that overpowering humbug, scorned the dinner

       gong and tarried to worship!

       88

       He said: "Well, that's gorgis, ain't it! They don't have none of them things in our parts, do they? I consider that them effects is on account of the superior refragability, as you may say, of the sun's diramic

       combination with the lymphatic forces of the perihelion of Jubiter. What should you think?"

       "Oh, go to bed!" Dan said that, and went away.

       "Oh, yes, it's all very well to say go to bed when a man makes an argument which another man can't answer. Dan don't never stand any chance in an argument with me. And he knows it, too. What should you say, Jack?"

       "Now, Doctor, don't you come bothering around me with that dictionary bosh. I don't do you any harm, do I? Then you let me alone."

       "He's gone, too. Well, them fellows have all tackled the old Oracle, as

       they say, but the old man's most too many for 'em. Maybe the Poet Lariat

       ain't satisfied with them deductions?"

       The poet replied with a barbarous rhyme and went below.

       "'Pears that he can't qualify, neither. Well, I didn't expect nothing

       out of him. I never see one of them poets yet that knowed anything.

       He'll go down now and grind out about four reams of the awfullest slush about that old rock and give it to a consul, or a pilot, or a nigger, or anybody he comes across first which he can impose on. Pity but somebody'd take that poor old lunatic and dig all that poetry rubbage out of him. Why can't a man put his intellect onto things that's some value?

       89

       Gibbons, and Hippocratus, and Sarcophagus, and all them old ancient philosophers was down on poets--"

       "Doctor," I said, "you are going to invent authorities now and I'll leave you, too. I always enjoy your conversation, notwithstanding the

       luxuriance of your syllables, when the philosophy you offer rests on your own responsibility; but when you begin to soar--when you begin to support it with the evidence of authorities who are the creations of your own

       fancy--I lose confidence."

       That was the way to flatter the doctor. He considered it a sort of acknowledgment on my part of a fear to argue with him. He was always persecuting the passengers with abstruse propositions framed in language that no man could understand, and they endured the exquisite torture a minute or two and then abandoned the field. A triumph like this, over

       half a dozen antagonists was sufficient for one day; from that time

       forward he would patrol the decks beaming blandly upon all comers, and so

       tranquilly, blissfully happy!

       But I digress. The thunder of our two brave cannon announced the Fourth of July, at daylight, to all who were awake. But many of us got our information at a later hour, from the almanac. All the flags were sent

       aloft except half a dozen that were needed to decorate portions of the ship below, and in a short time the vessel assumed a holiday appearance. During the morning, meetings were held and all manner of committees set to work on the celebration ceremonies. In the afternoon the ship's

       company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the

       asthmatic melodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled "The

       Star-Spangled Banner," the choir chased it to cover, and George came in

       90

       with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered

       it. Nobody mourned.

       We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it), and then the President, throned behind a cable locker with a national flag spread over it, announced the "Reader," who

       rose up and read that same old Declaration of Independence which we have all listened to so often without paying any attention to what it said;

       and after that the President piped the Orator of the Day to quarters and he made that same old speech about our national greatness which we so religiously believe and so fervently applaud. Now came the choir into court again, with the complaining instruments, and assaulted "Hail

       Columbia"; and when victory hung wavering in the scale, George returned with his dreadful wild-goose stop turned on and the choir won, of course. A minister pronounced the benediction, and the patriotic little gathering disbanded. The Fourth of July was safe, as far as the Mediterranean was concerned.

       At dinner in the evening, a well-written original poem was recited with spirit by one of the ship's captains, and thirteen regular toasts were washed down with several baskets of champagne. The speeches were bad

       --execrable almost without exception. In fact, without any exception but

       one. Captain Duncan made a good speech; he made the only good speech of the evening. He said:

       "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--May we all live to a green old age and be prosperous and happy. Steward, bring up another basket of champagne."

       It was regarded as a very able effort.

       91

       The festivities, so to speak, closed with another of those miraculous balls on the promenade deck. We were not used to dancing on an even keel, though, and it was only a questionable success. But take it all together, it was a bright, cheerful, pleasant Fourth.

       Toward nightfall the next evening, we steamed into the great artificial harbor of this noble city of Marseilles, and saw the dying sunlight gild its clustering spires and ramparts, and flood its leagues of environing

       verdure with a mellow radiance that touched with an added charm the white

       villas that flecked the landscape far and near. [Copyright secured

       according to law.]

       There were no stages out, and we could not get on the pier from the ship. It was annoying. We were full of enthusiasm--we wanted to see France! Just at nightfall our party of three contracted with a waterman for the privilege of using his boat as a bridge--its stern was at our companion ladder and its bow touched the pier. We got in and the fellow backed out into the harbor. I told him in French that all we wanted was to walk

       over his thwarts and step ashore, and asked him what he went away out there for. He said he could not understand me. I repeated. Still he

       could not understand. He appeared to be very ignorant of French. The doctor tried him, but he could not understand the doctor. I asked this boatman to explain his conduct, which he did; and then I couldn't understand him. Dan