For Better FOREVER, Revised and Expanded. Lisa Popcak
him (Jn 17:21). Indeed, the entire point of the Christian walk is ultimate union with God. (For more on this, see Greg’s book, Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart).
Similarly, husbands and wives are called to love each other totally, with no reservations. It is tempting for husbands and wives to put limits on their love: “I won’t share this part of my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, my body, or myself with you.” Catholics understand this temptation as the result of the same sin that ruptured the union between God, man, and woman in the Garden of Eden at the dawn of creation. It may be natural to want to place these kinds of limits on our love for each other, but Catholic couples must view these limits as obstacles to be overcome, not as the expected state of affairs. God respects our limitations, but he expects us to transcend those limitations if they represent obstacles to his love. In the same way, couples can be respectful of each other’s brokenness and limitations, but they have every right to expect that they both will do everything they can to heal from that brokenness and overcome those limitations if they present any kind of obstacle to their marital love. It is this total gift of self that makes God’s love for us truly intimate and makes a marriage modeled after God’s love an “intimate partnership” (Gaudium et Spes, n. 48).
Faithfully
God loves us always and no matter what (Ps 100:5). God, who has the busiest schedule in the universe, never lets anything come between himself and his commitment to love you totally (Rom 8:31-39). He won’t ever abandon you so that he can go love someone else who is more lovable. He won’t let all the things he has to do stop him from giving you as much of him as you want or need. God’s love is indissoluble and never ending.
In the same way, a marriage founded on God’s love must be unbreakable (Mk 10:9). Even more than simply being able to count on our spouse never abandoning us, the faithfulness that characterizes marital love tells us that we have a right to expect that our spouse will not let other people, commitments, or obligations get in the way of loving us fully — and vice versa. Our spouse comes first and has a right to the best of us, not just the rest of us. Our marriage must be given priority, because it is our best chance to learn how to love as God loves, to become everything we were created to be, and receive the support we need to get to heaven.
It is true that, in a fallen world, other responsibilities and other relationships may sometimes compete with, or outright threaten, the primacy of the marriage, but Catholic couples understand this as an obstacle to be overcome, not something to accept. Catholic husbands and wives have a right to expect that their marriage will reflect the faithful character of God’s love, meaning that they will always work to place each other first and above all others.
Fruitfully
Because God is love, and love is the commitment to work for the good of another, God is always doing more, creating more, loving more (Gen 1-2). God’s doesn’t have to create — he doesn’t have to do anything — but he loves to create, and he loves to love that creation. At the same time he is creating, he is doing things to help his creation flourish (Lk 12:27). God doesn’t hoard all of his love to himself or to some small, select group. Love demands to be shared, so God looks for more and more ways to share his love with his creation. In all these ways, God’s love is fruitful.
Similarly, Catholic couples recognize that as wonderful as their love for each other is, it demands to be shared. They know that the more they share their love, the more it grows. So they do two things.
First, they welcome children as a gift from the Lord. They know that one of the most beautiful ways to celebrate their love for each other is to allow God to create another person out of that love, born to be a witness and visible sign of the power of the couple’s closeness and commitment to each other. The couple that is open to life is open to receiving everything each other has to give.
The second way the Catholic husband and wife exercise the fruitfulness of their love is by working to nurture not only their children but also each other and all of the people in their life so that everyone they come in contact with might come a little closer to being their best selves because of their influence. Catholic couples are committed to doing everything they can to help all with whom they are in a relationship to fulfill their potential as people of God. In this way, Catholic couples exercise their call to spiritual fatherhood and motherhood, as well as physical fatherhood and motherhood.
Your Mission
Imagine what a marriage that is committed to living out, in an authentic way, this ideal of free, total, faithful, and fruitful loving would look like. THAT is the kind of love that truly has the power to fill your hearts, change the world, and call others to Christ!
That said, the mission of living out the Catholic vision of marriage isn’t easy; and because of both sin and our fallen human nature, it doesn’t come naturally. In particular, there are two major enemies that will come against you as you strive to live this vision of a free, total, faithful, and fruitful love in your marriage every day — namely, addiction to comfort, and a game we call “Marital Chicken.”
Addiction to Comfort
In our experience, more than communication breakdowns, infidelity, abuse, or any other issue, the biggest problem facing marriage is that husbands and wives tend to love their comfort zones more than they love each other. Human beings are absolutely addicted to their comfort. This is the root of almost every other marital problem that exists (and frankly, the primary enemy of living a holy life, which is why overcoming this tendency in marriage is so important spiritually as well as relationally).
All of us struggle to love our spouse the way he or she needs to be loved. Instead, we would rather do what we want to do for our spouse and then call that “being loving,” regardless of what our mate actually needs from us. We could be more present, more romantic, more sexual, a better listener, or a more attentive mate; but, to be perfectly honest, we’re tired and just a little too comfy in our own corner of the house. It happens to all of us — men and women. We are called to be Christ to our mate, but too often “Christ” is sacked out on the sofa, hiding out in a hobby or job, or out saving the rest of the world instead of actively searching for the hundred or so ways he or she could literally be a savior right at home.
Loving our comfort zone more than our spouse threatens our promise to love freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully by sending the message, “When push comes to shove, you can count on me to do what I want, not what you or our marriage needs.”
Marital Chicken
The second insidious obstacle to love is the game of Marital Chicken. When a couple plays, grown-ups sit around whining, “If only you were more romantic [or sexual, helpful, complimentary, emotional, rational, etc.], maybe I would be more romantic [or sexual, helpful, complimentary, emotional, rational, etc.]. But I know you. You’ll never change!”
Playing this game allows us to avoid confronting our own fears of intimacy while getting to feel self-righteous at the same time. As you can imagine, the game is fairly addicting. What couples playing Marital Chicken forget is that they are not really responsible to their partners for living out those loving qualities. Rather, such couples must become more affectionate (or sexual, helpful, complimentary, emotional, rational, etc.) because that is the person they want to be — because that is the person God is calling the couples to be. When we die and God asks us if we lived out our vocation to love, we really don’t think the Almighty is going to accept an excuse such as “Well, Lord, I would have, if only my spouse had been more [fill in the blank].”
Part of being Christ to each other involves being loving, not because our mates deserve such generosity (we so seldom deserve to be loved) but because our Christian dignity requires this of us. As C. S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, “All who have good parents, wives, husbands, or children may be sure that at some times … [they] are loved not because they are lovable but because Love Himself is in those who love them.”
Loving our mates the way Christ would love them — whether they “deserve” it or not — is absolutely essential