Grieving the Loss of a Loved One. Lorene Hanley Duquin
as not caring. Others will compliment us on how well we are handling all of this. What these people don’t realize is that we have yet to comprehend the immensity of our loss.
Even after the shock begins to wear off, there is a part of us that does not want to believe it is true. We may find ourselves talking to the person, and then remember that the person is no longer here. We may start to do something for the person that we had done every day, and then remember that the person no longer needs us to do that. We may find ourselves waiting for the person to call or come home at a specific time, and then remember that the person is not coming home.
Shock and disbelief are normal parts of the grieving process. It does not mean that we don’t love the person. It does not mean that we don’t care about the person.
This initial stage of grief does not usually last long. Eventually, we come to accept the reality that our loved one is gone and will not return. When that happens, we begin to feel the pain of separation. In the meantime, we can thank God for this strange frozen feeling that we are experiencing.
Prayer: Lord, I am feeling numb and disoriented. I can’t believe that my loved one has died. It doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know what to do or where to turn, so I turn to you, Lord. Help me through this early stage of grief. Amen.
In The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion describes the numbing sensation that she felt immediately after the death of her husband: “I do not remember crying.… I had entered at the moment it happened[,] a kind of shock in which the only thought I allowed myself was that there must be certain things I needed to do.”
3. Telling the Story
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.
— William Shakespeare
In the first days and weeks after the death of a loved one, we find ourselves telling the story of what happened over and over again. We talk about what happened, how it happened, why it happened, when it happened. We go over and over the details. Each time we tell the story, we bring ourselves another step closer to accepting the death.
We need to tell the story because there is still a part of us that does not want to believe that it happened. There is still a part of us that wants to believe it was all a bad dream.
Telling the story also helps the people we speak to. They undoubtedly heard about what happened, but they often don’t know what to say to comfort us. Listening to the story of what happened is as much a relief for them as it is for us!
Problems arise a few weeks after the funeral, when the reality of the death hits us with full force. We still need to talk about it, but many of the people in our lives don’t want to listen. They want us to go back to being the way we were before. They tell us that we have to move on with our lives. They already know the story, and they don’t want to hear about our sorrow, our sadness, our pain, or our feelings of loss.
We know that we can turn to God in our sorrow. The psalmist assures us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, / saves those whose spirit is crushed” (Ps 34:18). But when we are grieving, we are like the little child who told his mother, “I know God is with me at all times, but right now I need someone with skin!”
Talking to someone else about our grief is an important part of the grieving process. If we are having difficulty finding family members or friends who will listen, we may want to seek out the help of a bereavement support group or a bereavement counselor.
Prayer: Lord, I know that you are with me in my grief, but I need other people who will listen to my pain. Give me the courage to reach out and ask for the help I need. Allow me to see your face and hear your voice in the people who come to my aid. Amen.
“Real friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer.” — Anonymous
“Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again.” — Helen Steiner Rice
4. Asking Why
There are occasions and causes, why and wherefore, in all things.
— William Shakespeare
When a loved one dies, we often find ourselves plagued with questions: Why did this person die? Why did it have to happen? Why now? Why did it happen in this way?
We may get immediate answers to some of our questions if people who were present at the time of death can give us the details of what happened.
Other questions may not be answered for a while. We may have to wait for autopsy reports, medical records, or police reports.
Some of our “Why” questions may never be answered because the circumstances surrounding the death of our loved one remain a mystery.
Or we may find ourselves asking the question “Why?” but we really don’t expect an answer. Our agonizing “Why … Why … Why …” may be our protest over what has happened. Our tortured “Why” may be an expression of helplessness because we can’t change what happened. Our heartbreaking “Why?” may be an articulation of our excruciating pain.
Asking “Why?” is an important part of the grieving process. It helps us to understand what happened. It helps us to accept the reality of what happened. It helps us to come to grips with what happened.
“Why” questions can also lead to something good. They can give us the impetus to right a wrong or correct a harmful situation that could result in the death of someone else.
We may never get satisfying answers to our “Why” questions. We may always wonder — but over time, we can assure ourselves that the wondering will become less frustrating.
Prayer: Lord, I have so many questions. I want to give the questions to you. You already know the answers. Help me to accept that I may never receive answers to my questions. Help me to let go of this painful questioning. Amen.
The Serenity Prayer, by Reinhold Niebuhr, can help us to put everything into perspective when we feel unsettled because of our “Why” questions:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
5. The Way We Grieve
My eyes are blind with anguish, / and my whole frame is like a shadow.
— Job 17:7
How we grieve depends on a number of factors. When we suffer a major loss, our pattern of grieving may be similar to the way we grieved in the past, but with greater intensity. Our personalities, our relationship with the person who died, and our relationship with God all come into play.
We may grieve in the same way that we saw our parents